‘Not weird.’ She laid her head on his shoulder. ‘Perhaps if I do it hard enough, you’ll start to believe in yourself.’
Chapter Ten
LATER ON, IN the bedroom at the hotel, the diary came out again.
The air conditioning was switched to blissfully cool and they lay in a post-shower sprawl, Jenna in a silk robe and Jason in boxers, appreciating each other’s scented skin.
‘Tell you what, we haven’t read about the wedding night yet,’ Jason prompted. ‘I want to know if Harville’s a dirty perv. I bet he is.’
‘I don’t know why you’re so insistent a middle-class Victorian lady is going to want to write porn,’ said Jenna, tutting.
But she took the book from the bedside drawer and turned to where they had left off – the morning of the wedding.
March 11th
I write these lines as Lady Harville. My name has changed, but that is not all. So much has changed, in the time it took for our hands and hearts to be joined for all time, that I can scarcely catalogue it.
I have risen in station to a place of elevation I never dreamed I could occupy. A humble governess, the daughter of a failed businessman, I now prepare to conduct the rest of my life as a lady of quality. The penniless girl may now order whatever she desires without second thought. I have leapt from mutton pudding to veal à la Béarnaise; from calico to silk. I may not feel it yet, but in name and in fortune, I am now an aristocrat.
I have changed also, from single young woman to wife, and what a momentous change that is. I have been accustomed to pleasing only myself, but now I must please another, and put his wishes at the forefront of my awareness. It will not be easy to make this alteration in my very heart, but I am sure I will strive to do my duty and make my husband the happiest man I can.
Another change, and one of which I am apprehensive, is my transit from governess to mother. How will I ever replace the parent those girls remember so fondly and so sadly? I fear they will never take me into their hearts and I will remain always outside their sphere of confidence, branded an outsider and hated for it. I have pledged, all the same, most solemnly, to do my best for Maria and Susannah, in hopes that the day will come when we might be dear friends.
Another delicate distinction is that between servant and served. The staff still look upon me coldly but they must know that to do so for much longer will result in their being replaced – for I will not hesitate to insist that they seek another place, if they cannot treat their mistress with the respect she deserves.
Finally, another change, a most private one, and one I blush to mention. But I intend to be fearlessly honest here in my diary, and so I must not gloss over it.
‘Now we’re getting to the good bit,’ said Jason, putting his chin on Jenna’s shoulder to better view the book’s contents.
‘Anyone’d think you were sex-starved,’ said Jenna dryly. ‘Which we both know not to be the case.’
‘Yeah, but it’s interesting in all this oldy-worldy language. I want to know how she describes it. I bet she cops out and says something sketchy like “it was like opening up to the sun”, or something. Girls can never call a spade a spade.’
‘Don’t be sexist. Anyway, let’s see, shall we?’
I awake a new person, a woman experienced in the duties of marriage. When I came into this bed, I was a mere girl, trembling in ignorance of what awaited me. I had heard that, to get a child, a husband must ‘couple with’ his wife in some way, but I had no fixed idea of what such coupling might entail.
Now I know it, and what knowledge! David came to me, his eyes burning with a strange light that made me shiver. He would not let me keep on the beautiful nightdress from Paris I had made especially for my trousseau. Instead, he made plain that he wished to see me unclothed and unadorned. I nearly burned up with the shame of it, for none has seen me naked since I was a small child, and I had hoped to evade any such embarrassing necessity. But my mother had advised me to follow his lead in all respects – the only advice she gave – and so I clung to this tenet as if it would save my life. After all, he had been married before and knew what he was about.
He sat down in a chair across the room and made me stand before him and remove my nightgown there. I wanted to cross my arms, to cover myself, but he told me, quite calmly and gently, that this would not be permitted.
He told me I was beautiful, that such a beautiful body should never be covered, but exhibited in its glory, for the delight of he who possessed it.
This was a strange thought, to think of my own flesh and skin as belonging to another. Yet it is how my Lord is pleased to view our union, and I suppose all men are so. He told me I must cease thinking of my body as my own and clothe and adorn it always to his taste, in the full knowledge that he would only look at me with the thought of removing all such clothing and adornment in the bedchamber.
‘He seems a bit intense,’ commented Jenna.
‘Knew it. What did I tell you? Raging pervert.’
Jason nodded sagely.
‘It’s so weird,’ continued Jenna, ‘to think that most girls from what would be called good families had absolutely no clue about sex. I can’t imagine growing up like that.’
‘The boys all worked it out from what they got up to at those public schools, I bet,’ said Jason.
‘You could be right. I hope none of them took quite the same approach with their brides, though . . . Ouch.’
‘Reminds me,’ drawled Jason into her ear, ‘I’ve got plans for your arse, woman.’