The Man Who Has No Love (Soulless 3)

With my income back and my cheap apartment, I saved money easily, and I intended to use it for a fresh start in Washington. Now I could have a recommendation and get a good job at my same income level. I could stay here in New York and work somewhere else, but I didn’t want to be in the same city as Deacon.

Otherwise, I’d never get over him.

I sat at my desk and stared at the notes I’d made in my folder, but I didn’t really read at anything I’d written. My mind kept focusing in and out, thinking about Deacon, Derek, and Washington. I would focus on my next task for a few minutes before the process would repeat.

My phone vibrated with a text. It was from Deacon.

I want to talk to you.

I stared at the words, reading them over and over on my screen, the first message to pop up in our message box in two months. The last message he had sent to me before everything went to shit was Baby, get your ass over here.

Everything was so different.

I’d lost hope that we would get back together, so I assumed he wanted to discuss me returning to my previous position and replacing Matt. Or maybe he’d found out that Derek called me and wanted to talk about that. When and where?

My condo. Now.

Alright.

I left my desk and took the elevator to his floor and made the long journey down the hallway to his front door. Instead of feeling excited to see his face, I was just nauseated. I dreaded seeing him now. Knowing he was the best thing that ever happened to me…and I lost him…was just too hard.

That was why I had to leave.

I knocked on the door.

He must have already been standing there because he opened it immediately.

My eyes immediately darted to his face, the shadow along his jawline. It was thick since he’d skipped the shave for several days. His eyes were just as threatening as they always were, like he wasn’t happy to see me even though he was the one who asked me to come. He opened the door wider and invited me inside.

I entered, stepping into the apartment that used to feel like home. Now, it was just a place I used to know…a memory. I held my hands together at my stomach and forced myself to be brave, to hold my head high. I’d already cried, already begged. I couldn’t do it anymore, not when it didn’t make a difference.

He shut the door and moved in front of me, keeping several feet in between us like last time. He was in jeans and a t-shirt, even though it was getting cold outside. The walk to my old apartment had always sucked in the freezing cold, but taking two subways to my apartment in Brooklyn was torture. Then I had to stop by the store on my way because I couldn’t use the groceries I got for myself on client runs because that was just too far to carry it all. So, there were times when I got home so late that I wondered if I should just sleep in the office.

He placed his hands in his pockets and looked at the floor.

I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. “Is there something I can help you with, Mr. Hamilton?” I didn’t want to call him Deacon anymore, the name I whispered in bed, the name I said before declaring my undying love for him.

He lifted his chin and looked at me slightly quizzically. “Don’t call me that.”

“Alright…” My fingers started to fidget. “Then what do you need, Deacon?”

He crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at me, the silence going on forever.

I used to be comfortable with these long pauses, but now I couldn’t stand them. I had no idea what he was thinking. That connection we used to have was gone because we were never around each other anymore. He was like a stranger to me in the present, but the love of my life in the past.

“I’ve been on my own for a while now. Work has required most of my attention, and I was happy to let it absorb all of my time. Your betrayal numbed me, and I just wanted to move on. While time passed, the season changed, my feelings never changed.”

I’d lost all hope…and now it was back.

“I feel like it was just yesterday…”

Really? Because it felt like a fucking eternity for me.

“You said you didn’t know he was married…and I believe you. You said you didn’t sleep with him…and I believe you.”

Exonerated at least.

“Time and space have helped me understand your decisions, and instead of viewing it in black and white, like I always do, I know I need to have compassion. I need to remember this is you, not some random person. I need to remember that you’re a human being going through a hard time, like we all do sometimes.”