All these worries that I was having about Alex were going to make it extremely difficult to concentrate on my book. When I got back to my room, I decided that it would be better if I put writing off for a while. I needed to focus on the bigger problems that I had going on. I paced my room as I thought. I had already made up my mind to raise the baby on my own, but Alex being back in the picture certainly changed things, didn’t it?
Should I tell him about the baby or stick to my original plan? Once again, I felt torn. I was still afraid that I couldn’t trust Alex. What if he left again after all the promises he made? I paced back and forth for a long time. My thoughts kept going in circles. Eventually, I realized that I was making no progress this way. I was just going to have to wait and see. Whatever was going to happen would happen. That irritated me because I didn’t like waiting.
I suddenly felt exhausted. I could also feel my nausea returning. I needed to do something to take a break and relax, deciding a nice hot shower would do the trick. I was starting to dislike the way certain clothes felt on my body. Maybe it was related to my pregnancy. Instead of my usual pajamas, I chose a long tee shirt I had brought with me. I was alone in my room. Besides, it was comfortable enough to use as a nightgown, so I went with it.
The shower worked wonders. Thirty minutes later, it had relaxed me to the point where my exhaustion had turned into pure tiredness. After my shower, I dried off and slipped into my tee shirt with a yawn. I turned off the lights and crawled into bed. I tried to watch a movie on tv to get ideas for my book, but my eyes felt heavy with sleep. I tried, but I couldn’t keep them open any longer.
As my head hit the pillow, the remote fell from my hand and landed gently on the floor. I dreamed of uncertainty. I dreamed I was all alone. I could hear a baby crying in my dreams while Alex moved in and out of the background. I had a fitful sleep and awoke the next morning feeling confused and cranky.
Chapter Fourteen – Alex
It had been about two weeks since my return, and I had only spoken to Hazel that one time when I got back. I still saw her every day at group activities or passing her when we were walking in the lobby. I was doing my best to honor her request and give her the space that she needed to make her decision. I had to keep my promise to her and prove that I was actually here to stay this time.
Even though we had not spoken since that day, I wasn’t worried. I knew that Hazel would come around eventually. The feelings between us were too strong, plus we had so much history together. How could she not take me back? Besides, by being here every day, I figured I was making every effort possible to show her I was keeping my word.
With all the extra time I had been given there on my return, I buckled down and concentrated on my writing. I was close to finishing my novel and was really excited about that. I stopped writing for a second and thought about Hazel, hoping that I would get the opportunity to talk about my book with her some more. I wonder how she is doing with her own book? All of this time away from her had also given me time to reflect on things that I had done, as well as ways that I had behaved in the past.
I was suddenly filled with regret as I realized that since we had reconnected at the retreat, I never once asked my love about her book or the progress she was making. It probably seemed to her like I didn’t care. I recalled how she would always ask about my work and listened to me talk on and on about it. She never complained. That was another thing I needed to make up for.
I had gotten up a little too early one morning. By the time I had finished writing a few chapters and reflecting on the ways I could have treated Hazel better, I noticed I only had thirty minutes left until our writers’ group. It was one of our last few meetings, so I knew everyone would be there. I rushed through my showering and shaving that morning. After dressing quickly, I hurried downstairs. Some of the other group members had already gathered.
I could see Hazel talking and laughing with a couple of them. I stood by myself since I hadn’t taken the time to connect with the other writers in the group like she had, so I thought it was best to avoid them. At that moment, I was content to just watch Hazel enjoying herself. She had truly become a remarkable young woman.