Of Love and Evil (The Songs of the Seraphim 2)

I was amazed. I got up, kissed him again on the forehead and told him that I’d be right outside whenever he wanted to join me.

About fifteen minutes later he came out and we started walking down the garden paths together, and he was taking pictures again, and he didn’t say too much. But he walked right close to me, next to me, as if he was with me, and when I saw Liona sitting on a bench just smiling at us as we walked together, I felt such happiness I couldn’t find words myself to contain it. And I knew I never would.

We walked back, Toby and I, to the giant shell of the ruined church, the largest part that had been left by the old quake.

For the first time, I saw Malchiah, over to one side, leaning rather casually, for all his fine clothes, against the dusty brick-and-mortar wall.

“There he is again,” said Toby.

“You mean you’ve seen him before?” I asked.

“Yeah, he’s been watching us. He was in the chapel when we were in the chapel. I saw him when I was going out.”

“Well, you could say I work for him,” I said. “And he’s keeping a bit of an eye on me.”

“He’s young to be somebody’s boss,” said Toby.

“Don’t let him fool you,” I said. “Hang here a minute. I think he wants a word with me and doesn’t want to interrupt.”

I crossed the broken ground until I caught up with Malchiah and I drew in close so that none of the tourists would hear what I had to say.

“I love her,” I said. “Is that possible? For me to love her? I love him, yes, he’s my son, and that’s what I’m meant to do, and I thank Heaven for him, but what about her? Is there world enough and time to love her?”

“ ‘World enough and time,’ ” he repeated smiling. “Oh, those are such beautiful words, and how you make me mindful of what it is I ask of you. World enough and time is what you have to give me,” he said.

“But what about her?” I insisted.

“Only you know that answer, Toby,” he said. “Or maybe I should say that the two of you know it. I think she knows it too.”

I was about to ask about the other angel, but he left me.

How it looked to others I had no idea.

I found my son busy at the koi pond with his camera, determined to catch one fish which didn’t want to be caught.

The afternoon went fast.

We shopped in San Juan Capistrano, and then I drove them along the coast. Neither of them had seen the Pacific and we found some breathtaking vantage points and Toby wanted to take as many pictures as he could.

Dinner was in the dark and atmospheric Duane’s steak house, at the Mission Inn, and mother and son were suitably impressed. When nobody was looking Liona gave Toby a sip of her red wine.

We talked all about New Orleans the way it was these days after the horrors of Hurricane Katrina and how difficult the storm had been. I could tell it had been a great adventure to Toby, even though his grandfather made him do his homework in the motels they’d had to rent for the worst part of the aftermath, and that for Liona something of the old New Orleans was still gone.

“You think you’ll ever come home to live there?” Toby asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I’m a creature of the coast now, I think, but there are different reasons why people live in different places.”

And very quickly, heartbreakingly fast, he said, “I could live just fine out here.”

There was a sudden flash of pain in Liona’s face. She looked off, and then at me. I could scarcely disguise what I was feeling. Impulses, hopes, a sudden volcanic flow of dreams obliterated my thinking. There was a tragic quality to it. A grim pessimism took hold of me. No right to her, no right to this.

In the hazy gloom of the restaurant, I saw nothing. And then I realized I’d been looking at a pair of men at the table nearest us, Malchiah and my guardian angel. They sat still as a painting, regarding me just as figures in paintings often do, from the serene corners of their eyes.

I swallowed. I felt a rising desire. I didn’t want them to know this.

At the door of her suite, she lingered. Toby had hurried off proudly to his own room, where he wanted to take his own shower.

Somewhere in the shadows of the veranda, those two were there. I knew it. I’d seen them when we came along the walkway. She didn’t know. Maybe they weren’t visible to her.

I stood silently, not daring to move closer to her, or to touch her arms, or to bend down for the smallest kiss. I was miserable with desire. I was in agony.

Is it possible for you two to understand this, that when I take this lady in my arms, she expects more from me than a brotherly embrace? Damn it, it’s the gentlemanly thing to do, if only to give her the chance to say no to me!

Silence.

Maybe I could persuade you to go look out for somebody else for a while?

I distinctly heard the sound of laughter. It wasn’t mean or derisive, but it was laughter.

I kissed her quickly, on her cheek, and went back towards my room. I knew she was disappointed. I was disappointed. Hell, I was furious. I turned around and leaned against the door of the Amistad Suite. Of course they were seated at the round table. Malchiah had the same serene and loving expression he always wore, but my guardian angel was anxious, if that was the right word, and he looked at me as if he were slightly afraid for me.

A torrent of angry words came to my lips, but the pair of them were gone just that quickly.

About 11:00 p.m., I got out of bed and went out on the veranda. I hadn’t slept at all.

It was damp and cold, as it often was at night in California, even when the day has been mild. I deliberately let myself get miserably cold. I contemplated knocking on her door. I prayed. I worried. I watched. If I’d ever wanted anything more than I wanted her now, I couldn’t remember it. I simply wanted her. Nothing in this world seemed more real than her body, inside that suite, lying in that bed.

I was suddenly ashamed. From the first moment I’d spoken to her on the phone, I’d imagined her in my arms and I knew it. Who was I kidding with all this, about her expecting things, and me being a gentleman, and, ah, the loftiness of love and being reunited and all of that. I wanted to kiss her and to have her. And why not, and was it right that I be tortured like this? Hell, I loved her. I had no doubt in my heart of hearts that I loved her. I could love her until the day I died. I didn’t care what that meant, I was ready for it, all of it.

I was about to go back into my room, when I saw Malchiah standing nearby.