Three, Two, One (321)

“You’re hiding something from me. I told you why I was here. I gave up my secret. I bared my soul to you. I told you things I will never repeat again. Ever, Ark. When I finally do go home, no one will ever hear that story. You are the only one I told. And yet I know for a fact that you’re keeping secrets. And probably outright lying to me.”

He closes his eyes and lets out a breath of air. “I didn’t really lie.”

“Well, leaving shit out on purpose is the same thing. You’re right. We need to stop talking because I’ve had enough and if we keep this going, I’m going to do something I regret.”

He shoots me a hard look, his eyes narrow and his forehead creased. His jaw clenches like he’s trying to control himself.

But then he gets up and walks over to the small kitchen and pulls the refrigerator door open. He closes it again, holding two beers in his hand. “Blue Moon or Blue Moon?” he asks me, twisting the caps off and handing one to me as he walks over.

I take it. Take a sip. Then another. And let the alcohol warm me for a moment.

Ark puts a hand on my shoulder. “Look, I’m not trying to manipulate you here, Blue. I’m doing my best to be authentic.”

“What does that even mean?”

He takes a seat on the couch and pats the space next to him. “Come on, just relax for a second.”

I scoot over and accept the offer, but I’m not done with this discussion. Because everything he’s saying points to lies. Like he knows he’s about to get caught in something and he’s trying not to lie, but not telling the whole story at the same time.

It scares me. Because I’ve trusted this man with a lot of shit, and right now I feel like the clueless kid in school who is always last to get the joke.

“Let’s just take a night, OK? One night away from JD. Let him have his space and do his thing. And if he was all talk, fine. We’ll work it out.”

Bu it’s what Ark doesn’t say that scares the shit out of me. “What if he isn’t all talk? What if he does something?”

Ark takes a long swig of his beer and shrugs. “We’ll deal with it tomorrow.”

I let it go after that. I can’t control Ark or JD. This is their night. This is their fight. I was fine with the way things were yesterday, but obviously we need to come to a new agreement if we all want to stay together.

The only thing I know is… I can fix this. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’m not walking away from this. I’m not losing either of them.

I love two men.

My soul has two mates.

I love them equally, and with the same amount of fierce devotion.

And I’ll fight to my death to have them both.

I watch the phone for a return text, but it never comes.

And what did I expect? That after four years people still give a shit?

I shake it off, trying to convince myself Blue is right. JD is just mad. He said things he doesn’t mean. Tomorrow we’ll go home, talk it out, and find a solution. In two weeks, Public Fuck will launch and we will forget all about this night.

If she has faith, I can have faith too.

We pass the night watching TV. We drop all the anger and just relax on the couch. I can feel her slipping away. I’m not sure how, but I know it. She’s checking out on me. She’s thinking about JD. She’s thinking about the three we make, when all I see in our future is two.

My arms are wrapped around her, one hand on her belly, the other playing with the long strands of blonde hair that blow across her cheek as she breathes deeply with sleep.

Even though my goals have become muddied over the past four years, the no-girlfriend stipulation was something I respected. Oh, I’ve had fucks. Lanie at first. I liked her a lot in the beginning. She was my only contact and I needed her familiar conversation when I first got to Denver. And knowing that her body is decomposing inside her house—for God only knows how long—makes me sick.

I’ve had other girls too. But no one came home with me. No one came close. It was a quick fuck at their place, or in a car, or wherever. Any place but my place. Because I’m not allowed to get attached.

And here I am, very much involved in a relationship with not one, but two people. Here I am, in love with a man and a woman who make me so happy that every day for the past six weeks I had to convince myself it was real.

What are the chances a person finds their one soulmate in their one lifetime?

What are the chances they find out they have two?

Not everything should come in threes. That’s what it says on my back. The two dragons fighting to claim the world. To claim what’s theirs. But maybe that tattoo has been saying something else all along. Maybe the dragons aren’t a team. Maybe the blue pearl isn’t the world, but a girl they both want. A girl they’re both willing to fight for. Fight over.

Maybe it’s true. Maybe JD is right and every set of three is perfect.

But in my heart I know it’s a lie—not everything should come in threes.

I wait until Ark is asleep and then I get out of bed and go to the bathroom down the hall from the bedroom. I’m sleeping in a pair of his boxer briefs and a t-shirt. I use the bathroom like normal and walk back to the bedroom and wait outside the door to see if he’s awake.

When he doesn’t ask me what I’m doing after several minutes, I walk back to the bathroom and pull on my jeans. I grab his new phone, his keys and the keys to the Camry, my coat, and my shoes, and leave the apartment as quietly as I can.