Panic (Rook and Ronin 3)

We sit in the silence for a while, his eyes darting back and forth as he takes his turn watching people in the parking lot. And then he abruptly shoves the key into the ignition and starts the engine. “Would you like to go see the math building at your little college so you know where to meet your tutor tomorrow night?”

I huff out a breath. “Yeah, sure.”

“And then we can take a drive down to Boulder and look at the university, it’s not that far. I’ll show you the new building they have for film studies. It’s a great facility.”

Fucking Ford. “Sounds like a plan, let’s go.”

“Well, first we have to get breakfast bagels.” I release the built-up tension as a laugh and look over at him. He’s smiling at me. “Because this stupid f**king CSU stadium has no open concession stands for its early-morning trainees.” He pulls the Bronco out of the parking lot and looks over at me. “We miss Coors Field already, don’t we?”

“Yeah, we do.” I pick my camera up from the floor and turn it on, recording some B-roll of the drive as Ford talks about application deadlines for CU Boulder and summer internships.

Ford and I have a lot in common and one of those things is denial.

We do denial well.

In fact, we’re exceptionally good at denial when we do it together.

I like that about Ford and I have a feeling he likes that about me too.

Chapter Seventeen - RONIN

“I think these girls will be a good fit.”

Clare leans down over my shoulder, her hair brushing past my cheek as she touches my arm with one hand and rests the file folder gently on the desk in front of me. I look up at her and she smiles. It’s not seductive, and believe me, I know that look well. She’s never done sexy shoots like the other models, but you don’t need to be naked to have bedroom eyes. This is not her being seductive. And even though she said straight up the other night that she was still very much interested in having a relationship with me, the typical game-playing I could expect from the old Clare is missing.

“Thanks,” I tell her with a genuine smile. I flip through the folder and look at each girl.

“I chose seventeen, do you want me to set them up for test shoots this week?”

I shuffle through the resumes. All these girls are beautiful and they are all experienced. “Yeah, we’ll probably keep at least twelve, just in case someone doesn’t work out. Nice to have back-ups. And make sure they understand the contract before the test shoot, OK? I don’t want any surprises. Find out if they have any… issues.” I try to be gentle, but she knows what I’m saying. If they’re on drugs, I’m not interested. “And make sure to tell them about the scale. Billy’s in charge of the closet and the girls for this shoot.”

“Got it,” she says, then dips down and pecks me on the cheek real fast and skips out of the room.

Watching her makes me happy these days. She is so pretty. Her blonde hair is long and lush, her eyes are blue and bright, her body is curvy instead of rail thin, and her skin is glowing. She’s not the girl I knew back in high school, not at all. She’s better. “Hey, Clare?” I call out before she gets too far away from the office door.

“Yeah?” she asks, turning around.

“I’m glad you’re home.”

She beams at me and lets out a long sigh. “Me, too.”

I kick my feet up on Antoine’s desk and think about Rook. I know she’s running with Ford—this is a habit I’ve come to accept, even if I don’t like it. She likes him, it’s clear. But how far that affection stretches, I’m not sure just yet. Her attitude towards me hasn’t wavered. She’s always interested, she’s always happy to see me, and her playfulness has only increased since the whole Jon thing before Sturgis.

But I’m desperate for more from her. I’m desperate for something more permanent. And I do understand that it’s totally selfish of me to expect her to give up her dream to make me happy, so that’s something I’d never ask her to do. But it eats away at me. Her lack of permanence. It’s like she’s fleeting, like she’s a moment. Something that comes and goes. I want marriage, I want kids, I want everything I never had as a child, and I want it desperately.

But I want her more.

I will wait, that was not a lie. I’ll wait forever if I have to.

“Elise is back!” Clare yells from the studio.

I jump up from the desk, rush out to the studio and wait in front of the elevator with Clare. It dings pathetically just before the doors open and Elise and Antoine appear.

“Well?” Clare exclaims.

“I told you, they won’t know for another month. This ultrasound was just to check on things.”

“Oh, please! I happen to know for a fact that they can tell at seventeen weeks. My roommate Jamie from rehab was pregnant, so I heard all the scary details of bun-baking while I was up there.”

Elise smiles coyly. “Well, the tech did give us a hint.”

“What is it?” Oh f**k, I’m so excited I can barely stand it.

Elise defers to Antoine who lets out the biggest f**king smile I’ve ever seen on that ass**le’s face. “Boy,” he laughs. “It’s a boy!”

“Ahhh! That’s great!” We high-five and then clap each other on the back, then look down at Elise, who is frowning. “A girl would be good too! But it’s a boy, so hey, what can you do?”