Thankful For Her

“Baby girl.” I turn to look at June, and the term of endearment both she and my dad use melts my heart.

I love it here. I’ve never known a home like this growing up. It’s peaceful here and full of so much love. I hate that my mother kept me away from them. It will never make sense to me. It’s not like she wanted me and here is this family that does.

“Does he know?” she asks me.

I shake my head. No one knows but her. My eyes burn as she pulls me into a hug and rubs my back.

“It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be a great mom. Look at how you are with the twins. They adore you.”

“It’s not that,” I admit as more tears slip free. I’d love to be a mom. It’s something I’ve always wanted. I wanted a family, a real one. Not like the one my mother and I had. I’d love my babies so much they’d be sick of me. “I can’t face him. I’m going to mess up his whole life.”

June pulls back to look me in the eyes. “Well, fuck him then. You’re the sweetest girl I’ve ever met. You love with your whole heart. You even love people you shouldn’t give your love to.”

I know she’s talking about my mother. Over the past few weeks she and my father have slowly dragged out of me what my life has been like over the years. I think they both just wanted to get to know me but also wanted to know what my mother had done. I found myself still standing up for her. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help myself.

She slides her hand in mine. “Let’s go get some sun. It will do you good.” We walk out of the bathroom and head into the sunroom. I take a seat in one of the soft chairs and put my feet up. There are at least two feet of snow on the ground, but the sun is out today. I see the twins outside having a snowball fight with Ben. I started calling him dad last week. It felt right.

I so easily slipped into fitting in with them. When I’d first got here I was scared and nervous, but they made me feel so at home. Like I’d always been there.

“Have you given much thought about school?” June asks. She sets a cup of hot chocolate next to me. They have been asking me to stay. I haven’t told them I don’t really even need to go back. I have all the classes I need to graduate. I was just taking extra credits next semester. I’d planned to return because it was better than living with my mother twenty-four seven.

“I’m not sure what I’m doing yet.” Before I found out I was pregnant I was going to go back. While I felt welcome here, I didn’t want to impose on them. Now, I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I don’t think I want to go back to school pregnant. Even less so if I’m throwing up like I am. I also have to tell Hunter. Don’t I?

One way or another he’s going to find out. Not only did I seduce and take advantage of him, but I also got pregnant. He’s really going to think I’m a gold digger now. He’ll probably think I did it on purpose.

I don’t think my heart is ever going to heal from the loss of him. Not that I ever really had him. I thought I did for a few moments. Moments that I replay over and over again in my head. I place my hand over my belly. I guess I will always have a small part of him.

“What if he tries to take my baby from me?” The words spill out of my mouth as they pop into my head.

“No one will take your baby from you, Autumn.” I turn to see my dad standing in the doorway, still in his winter gear and dusted with snow.

“You’re right. I don’t think Neil would let Hunter do that,” I admit.

“No, I don’t think so either,” he agrees. I look down at my belly and realize I just told them who the father of my baby is.

“You know Neil?” I ask.

“Everyone knows who the Danverses are.” Ben walks over and takes a seat next to June and begins unbuttoning his coat then slips off his gloves.

I bite my lip. “Neil and I have been in contact,” my dad says, making me jerk my head up to make eye contact with him.

I’d left a note telling my mother I was going to spend time with my father and that I’d be back for Christmas, but I’d left my phone behind knowing that if I took it I’d break and answer one of her calls or texts. It was best to not have it. I wanted to clear my head. Try and heal before I faced what I’d done.