Intense

That was a good night. I check the clock and am surprised that we were out there for two hours. The conversation flowed so easily.

I feel bad about the way that ended, but I couldn’t help it. She opened up to me, but I’m not ready to do that yet. I should have just told her that I’m not ready, but I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I was too worried I’d start spilling my guts.

I can’t have that. Not yet. Maybe I’ll tell her, but not tonight.

I’ll make things right. I’ll make this up to her tomorrow. She’ll be happy that I stormed out tonight by the time I’m finished with her tomorrow.

For now, though, it’s bed alone and work early, because that’s my life.

10

Aria

All the next day, I keep thinking about the way Ethan reacted to my question about his past. It was strange and totally unexpected. He shut down almost instantly.

There must be something in his past that he doesn’t like. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have pushed back the way he did. Part of me is angry that he walked away the way that he did, especially after I opened up to him. But he listened to me and didn’t seem to judge me at all, which is really good.

That was my biggest fear. I was worried that as soon as he found out about my past, he’d kick me out and want nothing to do with me. Clearly that’s not the case, though, and I’m very thankful for it.

I just wish he’d apply his own thinking to his past. He doesn’t judge people on their past, but he’s not willing to share his own, which makes me wonder. I won’t push him, because it’s my job to make him happy, but I feel like he owes me.

At least a little bit. Maybe he doesn’t have to tell me every deep dark secret, but I opened up to him and he should give me the same respect in return. I can wait and give him some time to do it on his own volition, but I do feel a little betrayed.

For better or for worse, I have all day to contemplate that. I’m stuck in my room again with only the company of Jenkins when he brings my meals plus whatever movies and books I can read. I make sure to text The Syndicate letting them know that I’m okay, but otherwise, I don’t have much to do.

It’s not so bad, though. It’s boring of course, but it’s better than the way my life used to be. Plus, the amount of money I stand to make for this is astronomical, and all I have to do is keep myself as busy as possible.

It’s like a beautiful and comfortable prison, or like a playpen for a loved pet. Maybe that’s exactly what he wants it to be. I am his little pet, after all.

There are much worse things to be. There are worse places to be, too. I’ve been in a few of them. I can remember one beat-up, decrepit house that Derek and I stayed in for a week or two back in the deepest throes of our addiction together, just before he died. That place was a mold-infested rat’s nest and yet we slept there, ate there, fucked there, and got high there for almost a week straight. We barely left that place and it felt like paradise.

Mostly because I was high out of my mind. I feel so disgusted and embarrassed to look back on those days. I’ve worked so hard to better myself, to improve over the junky I used to be. But that junky is always there, buried in the back of my mind, and every day I fear she’ll break free and take over again.

I just have to make sure that doesn’t happen. I have so much to lose now.

Around noon, Jenkins comes with my lunch. He wheels it in on a cart like usual, and it smells amazing. As he turns to leave, I stand up from the couch. We don’t normally talk, but today I suddenly feel a little bold.

“Excuse me,” I say.

He pauses and turns back to me. “Yes?” he asks, barely concealing his disdain.

What a jerk. The man acts like giving me food is like feeding a lizard or something.

“I was wondering if I can go for a walk,” I say. “I’m just cooped up in here all day. I just hoped I could go around the block.”

He pauses, his frown deepening. “Did Mr. Locks explain the rules to you?” he says.

“He did. I just hoped I could get permission from you.”

He shakes his head. “Permission denied.”

I pause, surprised. “It’s just around the block. You can come with me if you want.”

“No, thank you,” he says. “I’m a very busy man. I don’t have time to escort an... escort around the block.”

I sigh, understanding. I guess it is pretty obvious what I am. And clearly Jenkins doesn’t approve. I can’t say I really blame him or am surprised. He probably has Ethan’s best interests at heart, and is afraid that I’m here to rob them all blind.