Bound by Hatred (Born in Blood Mafia Chronicles 3)

“It’s okay. You’ve gone through a lot,” Aria said gently.

My thoughts drifted back to Matteo. I hoped he’d be fine. He was tough, but he’d lost a lot of blood. Maybe I should have let Aria drive me to the hospital to make sure he was alright. I wanted to be with him, wanted to be there when he woke and hold his hand while he was unconscious. I wanted to tell him that I was tired of the games, tired of pretending that I didn’t care for him, when I’d already lost my heart to him. It was futile trying to lie to myself. I knew I’d come to love Matteo, even his arrogance and shark-smile. He was still a bad man, a murderer and criminal, but I knew now that I wasn’t much better. I had no doubt that I would have been like Matteo if I’d been raised like him and not sheltered from life like all the women in our world. It was an ugly truth, one I’d prefer to deny, but it was the truth, and it was time to admit it and own up to the life I was obviously meant to live. The words lay on the tip of my tongue.

“You can take a quick shower, and then I’ll help you pack everything.”

“Oh, sure,” I said distractedly. Pride had always been my problem, even now when I knew it was only hurting me, and Matteo.

Aria glanced my way. “Luca will keep his word. You don’t have to worry. He’s never broken his promise. And he knows I’d never forgive him if he’d lied. You’ll be free.”

Free? What was freedom worth if it meant ignoring what my heart wanted? “I know.”

“You don’t look happy.”

I wasn’t happy. But why? For months I’d wished for nothing more than to figure out a way out of this marriage, out of this life, out of this world, and now that I finally got my wish, I didn’t feel anything. How could I have been lying to myself for so long? And why couldn’t I admit it, especially not to the outside world? Why did it feel as if admitting I loved Matteo was the ultimate defeat? “I’m still recovering from the crash. That’s all,” I said on autopilot. I wondered how long that lie would work.

Aria didn’t look convinced but she didn’t push the matter. I leaned my head against the window and closed my eyes, not in the mood for conversation. I needed to sort through my emotions as soon as possible, but the splitting headache definitely wasn’t making it an easy feat.

I must have dozed off because suddenly Aria was nudging me awake and we were parked in the underground garage. She gave me an encouraging smile, and for some reason it made me feel horrible. I quickly scrambled out of the car, unable to meet Aria’s compassionate gaze. I rushed toward the elevator, a few times almost tripping over my feet. Aria caught up with me and called the elevator down with a press of the button. “What’s the rush? You don’t have to worry that Matteo will come home while we’re still packing. They’ll probably keep him in the hospital overnight. He looked really bad.”

I leaned against the cool wall of the elevator. Did Aria really think that would cheer me up? Was I such a horrible bitch that people thought I’d be happy that someone was seriously injured?

Of course they did. Luca had thought he had to offer me a ticket to freedom so I didn’t let his brother die. I was nothing but a heartless, selfish bitch in his mind. And judging from Aria’s words, she agreed with him.

My throat corded up. Maybe they were right. “I’m not worried,” I said calmly. It was easier to play the part they all expected me to play.

Aria nodded, but she didn’t stop watching me. We were leaning across from each other and I could see my reflection behind her in the mirror. We couldn’t have been more different. Aria with her kind expression, angel-like hair, porcelain skin and baby-blue eyes; the epitome of pureness. And I looked like I’d risen from hell with my messy red hair, blood covered clothes and skin, and dark shadows under my eyes. When we stepped into the apartment that I’d shared with Matteo since our wedding, I quickly rushed into the master bedroom, and from there into the adjoining bathroom. Maybe a quick shower would help me get a grip on my heart. Luca’s offer was my last chance, I knew that. If I followed my heart instead and stayed with Matteo, then that would be it. I had to let my brain make this decision.

After my shower, I still didn’t feel better but at least I’d made up my mind. Aria was sitting on the bed, typing on her phone, when I entered the bedroom.

“Did Luca tell you about Matteo?” I asked immediately, my throat already tightening and panic flooding me. I should have gone with Matteo. Suddenly I couldn’t breathe.

“He’s doing fine. Apparently it’s only a concussion and a few cracked ribs.” She finally looked up and quickly walked over to me. “You look pale.”

I swallowed. Matteo would be fine. Slowly my panic settled down.

“You are really worried about him, aren’t you? Why don’t you admit it? You can trust me, Gianna, you know that.”

“Of course I worry. I’m not made from stone. I don’t want anything to happen to him. I care about him, believe it or not.”

“But not enough to stay?” Aria asked.

I wasn’t sure what to say. All my well-laid plans in the shower seemed to crumble before me again. “I need to lie down for a while, I think. Or do we have to leave soon?”

Aria shook her head. “No, Luca will take Matteo to our penthouse when he wakes, so you won’t cross his path if you stay here. And it’s late anyway. Catch some sleep.”

I grabbed clean clothes and put them on before I lay down on top of the covers. I could hear Aria closing the door and then silence reigned around me.