Bound by Vengeance (Born in Blood Mafia Chronicles 5)

He often wished he’d never had her in the first place because it was easier to live without something you’ve never had, because you didn’t know what you were missing, but once you’ve had something it was difficult giving it up.

Growl had grown used to Cara’s presence. He’d always taken himself for a loner. Had thought he didn’t want other people around him. He’d enjoyed being alone, with only his dogs for presence. His life had been his alone. It had been uneventful and driven by habits but it had been safe. Now that he’d experienced living with someone, living with Cara, he had a hard time imagining being alone again.

He would get by. He always had. He’d work twice as much and hard, would put all his energy into making Luca trust and value him. He’d make a name for himself here in New York and eventually he’d forget about Cara and return to the life he’d had before.

And then Cara turned the corner, and he realized he was fooling himself if he believed he could ever forget her.Cara

I froze when I spotted Growl in front of my room. Bandit and Coco lay curled up at his feet as if they’d all been waiting a while.

I approached him slowly, trying to get a grip on my emotions. Coco wagged her tail when I stopped in front of Growl.

Growl pushed his hands into his pockets but his body was tense as a bow. “There’s no reason for you to stay with me. You are free now. Even if I could force you to stay with me, I won’t. You are free to choose your own life.”

The words I’d been longing to hear from the moment Falcone had given me to Growl suddenly stung. “So what is it you’re saying? That you’d prefer if I left you?” Though leaving him required that we’d been a couple in the first place.

“That’s the last thing I want,” he said fiercely. He pulled his hands out, restless, almost as if he wanted to grab me and shake some sense into me but he didn’t touch me.

“Then what do you want?” I shot back, growing frustrated. Maybe I should have just accepted Growl’s words and left.

Mother would have preferred that, and it would have been the right choice morally, if I were being honest with myself.

Growl had monstrous parts, and that wouldn’t change. Years of abuse had burned those into him, and if I chose to stay with him, I’d have to live with that fact. Perhaps in New York, Luca would find better ways to channel Growl’s talents into less horrendous tasks, but I wasn’t fooling myself into believing that killing wouldn’t still be a big part of Growl’s life. That was something I’d have to accept. To stay with someone only because one hoped to change that person was an endeavor that had to fail.

Growl’s eyes flickered with emotions, too many, and more than I’d ever seen in them. “I want,” he began, then stopped and growled. He shook his head and turned his head away so I was left to stare at his profile.

“You once told me I needed to be brave. Who’s not brave now?” I challenged.

Growl whirled on me, grabbed me by the shoulders and pressed me against the wall. “I want you. I want you to stay with me because you want to stay. I want you to want me.”

I exhaled. “I do.”

Growl released me. “Do what?”

“Want you. Want to stay with you.”

Growl stared. “I…I think.” He ran a hand down his face. “I’m no good with words. You know that.”

“But you could be. Perhaps you just need to try,” I said softly.

His eyes filled with resolve. “Not much scares me anymore,” he rumbled. “But this, between us, it does. My emotions they do scare me.”

“But why?”

“I gave up hoping for something good a long time ago. It made things easier. Nothing could hurt me. Pain is nothing. People’s insults mean nothing. I cared about nothing. There was nothing I had to fear. But when I got you, I suddenly realized what kind of life I’d led. How little everything had meant. And while I was fighting Falcone’s men, I realized how much I enjoyed being with you, having someone to talk to, sharing meals with you, walking Coco and Bandit with you, and even sharing a bed with you. I never thought I could like that kind of thing, never thought that I might need something like that, but now…” He trailed off, the uncertainty back. “Now I’m fucking scared to lose all that, to lose you. I never knew I needed you but now I can’t imagine being without you. I…I love you, Cara.”

I let out a shuddering breath. I’d never expected those words from Growl. Not even close. I touched his heart and cheek. “And I love you, Growl.”