Left Behind

Nikki squints, confused at how the warmth between us turned icy so quickly, although she seems relieved that I’m talking. Unlike a few of our past encounters that went sour, I don’t run away at least.

“Yes, Texas,” she says, without the energy that was in her voice moments ago.

“Why did your family decide to move?” I ask with genuine curiosity since I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about getting out of Long Beach since Emily died.

Nikki hesitates before answering. In her face, I see a look I know too well. Apprehension. Desolation. Pain. Whatever I said to put it there, I wish like hell I could take back. “My…family didn’t move. I moved in with my Aunt Claire, who lives in Long Beach. My mom passed away last winter and I don’t have anyone else.”

I’m speechless once again around this girl, this time for a different reason. She lost her mother last winter when I lost Emily? Is that why she seems so different from everyone else? Does she understand silence?

Trying my best to regain my voice, I clear my throat as I reach across the table and take her hand. “I’m sorry, Nikki. I am so sorry, I— ”

Perhaps uncomfortable with the rawness of the moment, Nikki smiles at me shyly, her voice cracking, “Thank you. I don’t talk about it much. It’s still hard.” She shrugs, an attempt to make light of it, but she doesn’t fool me.

I start to say that I understand. How much I truly understand what she’s been through…what she’s probably feeling. The loss we share may even be the tie that binds us. But before I get to utter a word, the air between us fills with oniony steam as the waitress slaps down our steaming steak fajitas. Instantly, I’m yanked back to reality, my brain taking over for my heart.

I don’t tell Nikki that I understand. I don’t tell her about my loss. About Emily. I don’t tell her that I know what it feels like to have your life torn apart. Instead, I decide to make her feel happy. Even if it just lasts for tonight.

The rest of our dinner is exactly that— enjoyable. It’s lighthearted and full of easy, playful teasing. It’s what Nikki needs. Maybe a part of me even needs it too, because I haven’t felt this comfortable with another person in a long time. I wonder if I’ve ever felt this comfortable with another person.

Normally, I’d be restless in a restaurant after more time than it takes to consume my meal, but she and I while away two hours talking. I fill her in on all things Long Beach High…track, football, teachers, classes. We laugh when I share infamous stories about Keller, and Nikki tells me about her best friend back in Texas. For at least a little while, we’re just two teenagers having a great time, rather than battling our private demons.

As we leave the restaurant and head back to the car, I selfishly make sure that Nikki walks in front of me.

Chapter 23

Nikki

When the car door closes, the tension increases. Dinner was surprisingly light after my telling Zack about Mom. It was just what I needed. Zack seemed wounded by my news, yet he didn’t dwell on it…he didn’t try to get me to talk about my feelings. Instead we moved forward, without looking back. It was almost as if he understood that it was a loss that words couldn’t explain.

But now, with our close proximity inside Zack’s car, the tension is anything but light. There’s a current in the air and I feel it from the tips of my toes to the top of my head. Zack rolls down the window and fidgets awkwardly. I wonder if he feels it too.

We drive in silence for a few minutes, until it becomes clear we’re going in the opposite direction we should be heading. “I don’t know the area well, but doesn’t Keller live near school? Are we still meeting at his place?”

“I want to show you something.” We make eye contact. Zack seems excited, if a bit sheepish. It’s a good look for him, terribly attractive. “You said you’d never seen the Pacific Ocean. I thought you might enjoy this view.” He motions out the window. From the hilly point where he’s now pulled over, the ocean crashes below us.

He jogs around the car, opens my door and takes my hand to help me out. A knowing grin spreads across Zack’s face when he spots the goose-bumps on my arms. “I have a sweatshirt in the back if you’re cold.” We both know my shiver has nothing to do with the temperature. I shake my head.

“High Pointe Landing,” he says, coaxing me out, even though I don’t really need any coaxing. “It’s meant for cars to pull over, so it’s safe to get out. Great spot to see the sun go down.”

“It’s beautiful.” I’m mesmerized, although I’m not sure if it’s from the breathtaking view in front of me or the fact that Zack still hasn’t let go of my hand. “And you’re right. I’ve never seen the Pacific before tonight I’ve never seen any ocean like this,” I confess.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, smelling the ocean salt in the air, then exhale loudly with a hum. “California really is a beautiful place. I never intended to like it, but it’s close to impossible not to be blown away by the weather and the beauty.”

Zack cocks his head. “You didn’t intend to like it? Why not? You mean, because you love Texas so much?”

I try not to laugh, but I can’t help it. The thought of loving the trailer where I lived better than this is just comical. “There’s not a lot to love back in Texas, Zack. At least not any part I ever lived in.”

“How many parts did you live in?” Zack appears sincerely curious.