Fragile Longing

I loosened my tie and threw it to the ground, followed by my shirt, but I closed my pants. Sofia didn’t need to see my cock now.

I waited for her. The sound of running water reached my ears and I moved closer to determine its source. I relaxed when I realized it was the sink not the shower. If Sofia had felt the urge to shower, I’d have felt even worse, even if we didn’t have sex. My guilt was an overwhelming presence as it was but beneath it simmered exasperation and frustration over my inability to understand my young wife.

Ten minutes later, Sofia emerged in the same sexy red nightgown, barefoot and without a hint of makeup. She looked innocent and young, but so gorgeous and delicious. I was torn between arousal and guilt. With Sofia, guilt had become a too familiar companion.

She avoided looking at my half-naked state and tried to pass me by on her way to the bed, but I grabbed her wrist. “Are you okay?”

She nodded but still wouldn’t look at me. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Sofia.”

“I don’t want your pity or your guilt. I wanted your anger and you gave it to me.” She tugged at my hold until I released her, and she headed toward the bed. I was at a loss what to say. I wanted to understand her. I wanted her to be happy in this marriage, but I wasn’t sure it was an option right now. I’d thought only I was haunted by the kidnapping and the events afterwards, but Sofia seemed to carry her own baggage.

I stepped into the bathroom, unsure how to act around my wife. I didn’t understand her or her motives. What did she expect from me?

Not angry fucking.

I’d been with enough women to know that she wouldn’t enjoy the rough play. She’d taunted me to test me, and I’d failed her test.

When I returned to the bedroom after a quick shower to wash away the sweat, Sofia lay on her side, facing the other wall. Her slender shoulders and neck didn’t shake like they would have if she were crying. That realization offered little consolation as I stretched out beside her. She tensed, as if she feared what I’d do next, as if she thought I might have a go at her at all. I wouldn’t even have tried to sleep with her if it weren’t for her provocation, and I definitely wouldn’t try anything now that I realized Sofia wanted something else. I touched her arm and turned her around to me, needing to see her expression. “Sofia, say something. I need to understand.”

“There’s nothing to understand,” she said, meeting my gaze stubbornly, but she wasn’t as good at hiding her emotions as me. I could see the turmoil and hurt swirling in her blue eyes.

“If you didn’t want to have sex, why did you ask me to fuck you? Why the provocation?”

“I wanted you to consummate our marriage. I wanted sex. You obviously didn’t. End of story,” she said almost angrily.

I wasn’t sure if enjoyment was the right word to describe what I would have felt if I’d really fucked Sofia. My anger had been too strong, eating me up from the inside. “I was driven by anger. That’s not how it’s supposed to be. You should enjoy it, too.”

She stared stubbornly at my chest. I touched her chin to nudge her face up, but she pulled away.

“I don’t understand what you want me to do.”

“You never wanted to marry me,” she said quietly, her voice wavering. She pressed her lips together.

I frowned. “I chose to marry you.”

“For tactical purposes.”

“Arranged marriages are standard in our world, you know that. Almost everyone marries for political reasons.”

“But you wanted my sister for more than tactical purposes.”

Frustration stormed in my chest. I was tired of hearing that name, tired of everything it was linked to, but I shoved my anger down. It had done enough. I wouldn’t lose control around Sofia ever again. “I don’t want to talk about her ever again, Sofia. We are married now, so whatever I might have wanted is irrelevant. You are my wife.”

She nodded, but I wasn’t sure if she really got it. She looked resigned, not accepting.

“It’s been a long day. How about we get some rest. We’ll talk about this more tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she said in a tone that suggested she didn’t care. I leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to her mouth. She searched my eyes, brows pulling together, then she turned around. I extinguished the lights. I decided against wrapping my arms around her, given her previous reaction to my touch.

I couldn’t fall asleep, and for a long time neither could Sofia, but eventually she must have thought I had drifted off because she began crying. At first, I didn’t realize I heard sobs because she must have muffled them in the pillow but soon it was unmistakable.