Fragile Longing

“I’m going to shower. Do you want to join me?”

Sofia pursed her lips, then shook her head. “Go ahead. I’ll lie down.”

I walked up to her and touched her hips, meeting her gaze in the mirror. “Are you okay?”

She smiled. “I am. I just need to process.” She put her hand over mine. “Don’t worry.”

I nodded and watched as she walked back to the bedroom. When I was done, Sofia was sitting up in bed, reading something in a notebook.

I slipped under the covers and wrapped an arm around her. She held out the notebook for me.

I raised an eyebrow.

“It’s something I wrote. It’s embarrassing, but I want to share it with you.”

I began to read what I discovered was Sofia’s fantasy for our first sexual encounter. Surprise washed over me as I read her story, especially how she saw me—her ideal version of me. She didn’t go into every detail, but she didn’t shy back from describing how I touched her and made love to her. That’s how she put it, and it was probably what she longed for. Lovemaking was something I’d always wondered about but never experienced. I cared deeply about Sofia and couldn’t deny that I was falling for her. Her smiles and kindness and her stubborn streak that came through occasionally, but love wasn’t something that happened in the course of a few weeks. It took time. That was something I believed firmly.

When I was finished reading, I looked up. Trepidation shone in Sofia’s eyes as if she feared my reaction. “That’s how you want our first time to be? In front of a fireplace on the floor?”

She flushed. “It’s how I imagined it. It’s not supposed to be instructions for you.” She closed her eyes, turning even redder though I hadn’t thought it possible. “I just wanted you to know that I’ve been imagining our first time, and that even if my body is being difficult, I eventually want to be with you.”

I set the notebook aside and pulled her against me. “There’s a beautiful fireplace in the living area of my lodge with a view over the lake.” I fell silent. Bringing up the lodge probably wasn’t the best idea, but Sofia only smiled. “We’d have to wait for the temperature to drop for a fire to make sense.”

I had no intention of waiting until fall to sleep with my gorgeous wife. The five weeks since our wedding had already proved impossibly difficult.

Sofia must have read my thoughts because she rolled her eyes. “I don’t want to wait that long, either.”

“Good. I don’t mind dying of heatstroke in front of a roaring fire in summer if it means I get to claim your beautiful body.”

Sofia pressed her face into my neck and chuckled, but she didn’t say a word about when she’d be ready. I’d just have to practice some more patience.In addition to aerobics in the local Outfit gym where I’d met Marco’s wife Bria by chance and hit it off, I started yoga on her recommendation. Before our accidental meeting, I’d only seen her at the wedding. For some reason, we’d never had a double date. Danilo always met Marco alone, mostly to deal with business.

It was a beautiful, mild July morning when I rolled out my yoga mat beside the Koi pond. In the six weeks since I’d moved into the mansion, I’d started to feel more and more at home. I still talked to my mother every other day, but I didn’t feel homesick for Minneapolis anymore. Now that I had a friend in Bria, things were looking up on that front as well. The distance between Anna and me made regular meetings difficult, even if we texted daily.

I was in the downward-dog position when I spotted Danilo coming down the path in his usual dark suit.

He watched me as I moved out of downward-dog into cobra. It was only the second time that I’d done yoga in our garden next to the Koi pond, but I knew it would remain my favorite spot for as long as the weather allowed it. I loved watching the fish occasionally peek out of the surface as if they were checking on me. I didn’t even feel self-conscious as Danilo watched me. Yoga helped me forget all my troubles and lingering insecurities. I’d even considered finally calling Fina. She hadn’t tried to call me in two weeks, giving up after I never picked up. Now that my relationship with Danilo grew every day, I felt guilty for refusing to talk to her.

I sank down on my ass, my legs crossed. “Hey.”

He strolled over to me. Despite the early morning hour, he was already impeccably dressed, ready to start work early. I admired his work ethic, even if it meant we didn’t have as much time together as I might have liked sometimes. But Indianapolis was an important city, and Danilo was still a young Underboss in the Outfit. He needed to show he was a hard worker so his men and especially the Captains and other Underbosses respected him. Making bloody statements had its limits after all. They mostly only brought you fear, not admiration.