Pucked Up (Pucked 2)

I don’t respond. I have nothing to say to this. Once I made a passing remark that she took the wrong way. She was hammered off of three light beers. She took it out of context and hasn’t ever let it go.

“So if things don’t work out with Alex and me, and you and Sunny don’t get back together, and your career takes a dump, and we need to make some money because you spend all yours on booze and hookers, we should totally pitch that to a TV station. They’d pick it up in a hot herpes minute.”

“Hookers are unnecessary. I’ve never had to pay for sex. If things don’t work out with Alex, I’ll set you up with Randy.”

I grin as her face scrunches up. She sets her coffee on the table, lifts the laptop from her knees and makes her standard thrusting motion. “It would never work. I can’t control the air hump. It’s embarrassing enough on the occasions when I see him now.” She settles back in her chair cross-legged and repositions her laptop. “In other, more exciting and important news—sit your ass down for this—”

“I’m already sitting.”

“Fuck you for ruining my intro.” She pretends to wind up her middle finger like a jack-in-the-box. “Apparently, Mr. My Balls Get Fondled By the World has been trying to contact Lily since your orgy weekend at the cottage.”

“There was no orgy.”

“That was a test. Good to know. But anyway, your ballsy friend tried to see Lily after the car wash fiasco. It didn’t work, but get this, she hasn’t gotten back together with that douchey guy, Benji. I met him, by the way. He’s a huge dickface. She could do way better. She’s actually nice.”

Following a conversation with Violet is like trying to watch a professional ping-pong tournament. “To you maybe.”

This is news about Randy trying to see Lily. He’s only mentioned her once since we’ve been back in Chicago. He’s been doing the gym with me the past few days, and he’s come back to my place instead of going to Lance’s, too. I thought it was a moral support thing, like he was trying to make it easier for me to cut the bar scene. Maybe his motivation is different than I assumed.

“Have you called Sunny yet?”

“No.” I go back to staring at the screen. She asks this every time I see her.

“Why not? You’re obviously miserable without her, and she’s miserable without you.”

“I don’t know. What am I supposed to say?”

“Honestly, Miller . . .” She makes another one of her faces. “I can’t do it. I can’t call you Miller. It has to be Buck. I keep trying it on, but it’s like a cheap pair of underwear. It doesn’t fit right. I can’t get comfortable.”

“No one said you had to call me Miller.”

“Yeah, but Sunny calls you Miller and so does Randy. I feel bad that I can’t make it work for me.”

“Don’t. Buck is a multipurpose nickname. If you want to feel bad about nicknames, stop calling me yeti.”

“If you had dark hair, you’d look like a Sasquatch.”

“I would not. I keep everything trimmed all nice-nice. Except my balls. Those are bare, like two squishy, smooth, flesh-colored plums.”

She makes a sound like she’s coughing up a hairball. “Thanks, asshole. I liked plums up until now. If you stopped trimming for three weeks, you’d look like one of those wolf people. If we get that reality TV show going, we could dye it all to prove I’m right, but I think we should go purple so you look like a giant wine-dipped yeti.”

I shake my head and fight a chuckle. As ridiculous as Vi’s tangents can be, they’re entertaining, and this one has lifted my crap mood marginally. Relationship limbo sucks. Probably because I was, and still am, way more invested in Sunny than I’ve ever been in a bunny, and I’m not drinking or boning my way out of my funk.

“Are you going to stop with the insults and the reality TV show dream so we can talk about real, actual, important things, like this fundraiser? How are we on the finances front?” I pull up the spreadsheet with the figures and itemized lists of things we need to pull this off. If things go well, I’ll have a solid chunk of funds to donate to Michael’s family.

After I stopped moping, I looked into their situation. It isn’t very good. Neither parent has benefits, so they’re out of pocket for all the medication. Applications for support can take months. It also looks like they’ll have to pull Michael out of hockey because they can’t afford it. Dealing with cancer as a kid is bad enough without losing one of the things that makes life fun.

“Sidney and I have contacted a bunch of people, and we’ve already secured a few significant donations,” Vi reports. “And you’ve contacted the porno car wash guy, right?”