Ritual - Palm South University

“Such wise and kind words of advice,” I remark with a grin.

“Feel free to leave a tip in the jar.” Skyler winks, patting my arm once more before she leaves me alone with my thoughts — the very ones that have plagued me since the night Adam walked away from me.

God, I’m so thankful for Skyler.

The universe knew what it was doing when it placed us together as Big and Little. I smile, thinking back to the first night we met, that night by the reflection pond when I was torn between which sorority to choose as my home. And now, we were about to be the only two left out of our little group of five. Erin, Lei, and Jess would all be graduating in just a few short weeks.

Everything is about to change.

And it only makes me want to hold onto her and Adam even tighter.

My chest squeezes, because I know Skyler is right — about everything. I know this is a mess that I made. And I know it’s on me to figure out how to clean it up.

When it comes to Adam, there’s only one way I can think of that I might be able to reach him.

I just hope he’ll let me in.BECCA SOUNDS A LITTLE like the teacher in the Charlie Brown cartoons I used to watch with Carleton as a kid.

I know she’s saying shit I need to hear. I know I should be latching on to every word, nodding, letting her know I hear her and I understand what she’s saying.

But I can’t.

Everything feels distant, foggy, like I’m on a cloud of having an out-of-body experience as I sit next to her on the bench by the reflection pond. It’s hot and muggy and so far from what December was as a kid growing up in Pennsylvania. It doesn’t feel like Christmas is around the corner. It doesn’t feel like winter.

And it definitely doesn’t feel like Becca is breaking up with me.

But she is.

And I can’t even find the words to try to convince her not to.

“Are you even listening to me at all right now?” she asks, waving her hand in front of my face before she lets it fall to her thigh with a slap. She sighs, sitting back on the bench, shaking her head with her eyes on the pond. “I don’t know why I’m surprised.”

“I’m listening.”

“Mm-hmm.”

I turn to her then, pinning her with my gaze. “What more do I really need to hear past the part of this conversation where you said you don’t want to be with me anymore?”

Becca swallows, eyes softening, her eyebrows tugging together to meet in the middle of her forehead. “You do realize I don’t want to break up with you, right?”

“Not what it seems like right now.”

“What choice have you given me?” She throws up her hands, exhausted. “Bear, that Friendsgiving shit… that was the most embarrassing moment of my life. My roommate and my best fucking friend hang out with you for the first time — this guy I’ve been telling them I’m so head over heels for — and you show your ass being possessive over some other girl.” She holds her hand out like she’s serving me my own ass on a silver platter. “Do you see how this is a problem?”

“I wasn’t being possessive.”

To that, she only scoffs and crosses her arms, tonguing her cheek when she tears her eyes from me and focuses on the pond again. “Unbelievable.”

Shame and guilt sizzle in my chest, like I’ve just thrown my heart on a grill. I know it’s a lie just as much as she does. But I refuse to admit it, because if I admit it to her, I’d have to admit it to myself.

That I care about Erin.

That I care about her as more than just a friend.

That I can’t stand to see her with someone else, even if I’m with someone else.

That until I work through my feelings with her, I can’t be with anyone.

I keep my mouth shut, zipping my lips tight in an effort to keep all those thoughts hidden forever. I’d rather die with them buried inside me than live with them out in the open.

“Look… maybe you should go home for the holidays. Work things out with your family. With yourself,” she adds, turning and waiting for me to look at her before she continues. “And then, maybe, we can talk about being together when you get back. But I don’t want to be with you if your heart belongs to someone else, Bear. That’s not fair to me or to her. So… if you want her, maybe you should tell her that.”

My stomach sinks so violently that I nearly retch, because I care for Becca so much that it makes me physically ill to think she can see right through me, that I can hurt her so badly without even meaning to.