“So just use a few of them,” Mikey offered.
I scowled, but closed the binder with a heavy breath. “I don’t know. Obviously, we’re not just friends.”
“Quite,” Logan said, and I narrowed my eyes at him before continuing.
“We… were intimate, after the first home game win,” I said, feeling a little uncomfortable airing our personal business like that. But it was my brothers, and I knew I could trust them. “And I thought that was it, you know? That we were going to cross over the friendship line. And we did, but… it was different for me than it was for her.”
“Meaning?” Noah probed.
“Meaning we had a conversation the next day about how she didn’t want to tell anyone, and she didn’t want it to get too serious.”
“Yikes,” Logan said on a whistle. “And you said?”
I shrugged. “I was honest, told her I didn’t do the hook-up thing. So, we made a kind of deal, I guess. That we’d keep it on the down low, not make a big deal of it, but that I wanted her to come to your wedding with me.” I looked at Noah then. “And I basically implied that if we made it to this point, we would know if we were serious or not, if we should tell people, claim our relationship.”
“And?” Noah asked.
“And…” I sighed. “I know how I feel, and I think I know how she feels, but I’m not sure. And I want to ask her, but I’m afraid to push, but I also can’t wait much longer, because I think I’ll go fucking crazy if I do.”
They were all silent for a long moment, and finally, Noah asked, “What’s the rush? I mean, would you be okay to not push it, to wait until she’s ready to broach the subject with you?”
“I just don’t like this game,” I confessed. “Why are we not telling anyone, running around in secret, keeping it from our families and making it feel… dirty? You know?” I shifted uncomfortably. “This isn’t how Dad taught us to be with women, and I don’t like how it makes me feel.”
“And you’re scared.”
I looked at Logan, who’d said the words I didn’t want to admit.
I swallowed. “And I’m scared.”
“I was the same way with Mallory,” he said with a nod of understanding. “I understood our reasonings for needing to go slow and keep it to ourselves for a while, but after a certain point, I just… I needed to know I wasn’t fooling myself.”
“Exactly,” I said on a breath, feeling understood. “And she’s got her reasons — good ones — for us to keep it quiet. I mean, she’s the only woman on a staff of men in a small town. People would talk if they found out we were together — and not about me, because that’s not how it works.”
“So shitty…” Mikey murmured.
“I know. And I couldn’t protect her from that, though I could try. She has to be ready for it. She also has to be ready to tell Paige, who is just getting used to the idea of her parents being divorced, I’m sure.”
“And then there’s Randy,” Logan said, his expression hard, and when his eyes met mine, I knew that he knew what Sydney had confessed to me last night.
“And then there’s Randy,” I echoed.
“What about him?” Mikey asked, confused. “So what, she was married before. They’re divorced now. It’s not like she’s cheating.”
“That’s not it at all. It’s more that Randy is a shithead,” Logan said for me. “And he has been on a power trip since he first became an officer shortly after high school. I’d bet anything that he does whatever he can to constantly remind her of his power.”
I hadn’t thought of it that way, and I tilted my head to the side. “You think that’s it? I mean, I figured she didn’t want to upset him, because from what she’s told me, he has anger issues and their relationship wasn’t the healthiest. But… do you think she’s afraid he’d do something to put her or Paige in jeopardy?”
“That’s exactly what I think,” Logan said.
We all fell silent, chewing on that, and finally I blew out a breath. “I don’t know. I get that, but she knows I would be there for her through that. We could figure it out together. And honestly, I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t just hear it from her that she’s feeling the same way I am. I know she’s showing me with actions but… it’s different.”
I looked up at the stars above Noah’s corner of the treehouse, trying to explain it.
“I’m already afraid of how I feel, like I’m an aerial artist that just flung off my hoop into the air and I have no idea if her hands are outstretched and ready to catch mine or if I’m going to freefall to my death. I’m more anxious than I’ve been my entire life, and I don’t want to be stupid.” My throat closed in on itself before I said my next sentence. “If she’s not in it, I need to let her go.”