The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless 6)

Those words continued to haunt me. What did she mean by that? If I wasn’t the kind of man she was looking for, that didn’t mean I couldn’t be with some changes. She shut me down quickly and resolutely, like any other option wasn’t up for discussion.

Those words continued to play in my head…over and over.

I could be the man she was looking for.

I sat with Dr. Collins in my living room for my weekly session. By the time I’d remembered I needed to cancel it, it was too late. I was used to Emerson doing everything for me, but now I was purposely avoiding her so I couldn’t ask for her assistance.

I sat across from him, not in the mood to chat.

Dr. Collins stared at me. “I can detect quite a bit of hostility from you, Dr. Hamilton.”

“It’s been a rough week.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“Well, my fee is seven hundred dollars an hour, and sitting in silence isn’t the best way to spend it.”

I rubbed my fingers across my jawline. “I don’t care about money.”

“Then what do you care about? Let’s talk about that.”

I wanted to roll my eyes, but out of respect, I didn’t.

“How are things with Emerson?”

I didn’t answer. Instead, I released a long sigh.

“What’s the story there, Dr. Hamilton?”

Every time I walked through the front door of my penthouse, I crossed the spot where I had kissed her. And every time that happened, I relived that moment, all the intensity included. I remembered exactly how it felt to squeeze her body, to cherish her lips with mine. Every time I relived it, I wanted it to be reality. I accepted her rejection, but that didn’t mean I wanted to. I’d give anything to kiss her again. It was different with her compared to every other woman I’d been with. Our kiss wasn’t foreplay. It was a beautiful union between our souls. My feelings had been conflicted up until that point, but when I kissed her…I knew. My old lifestyle was off the table because my brain and my soul were addicted to Emerson. She satisfied me in a way a twenty-one-year-old couldn’t. It was the first time in ten years that I’d wanted something more, that I’d found a woman I didn’t want to live without.

But she didn’t want me. “I kissed her…”

Anyone else would have a more distinct reaction, obnoxious commentary, but he listened to my words with a blank stare. “And?”

“She kissed me back.”

“This sounds like a happy story, but your tone says otherwise.”

I rested my cheek against my closed knuckles. After another deep breath, I elaborated. “It felt right to me. But she ended the kiss and told me I wasn’t the man she was looking for…” Saying it out loud hurt me all over again. How could she say I was the greatest man she knew, but then turn around and say I wasn’t right for her?

“How do you feel about that?”

I considered the question for a long time before I answered. “Shitty.”

“When did this happen?”

“Four days ago.”

“How’s your relationship been?”

I shrugged. “No idea. We haven’t spoken.”

He stared at me for a long time and didn’t take any notes. “It sounds like you need to talk about what happened.”

“She said she wanted to pretend it never happened.”

“Well, that can’t be true. Otherwise, she wouldn’t ignore you.”

I was against therapy in the beginning because I assumed it would be an interrogation. But Dr. Collins had turned into an objective person who I could speak to, who I could be candid with in complete confidentiality.

“You should talk to her, Dr. Hamilton.”

“And say what?” I snapped.

“Say what you feel.”

I looked away. “I’m not the right man for her…and I don’t know why.”

“And you want to be the right man for her, correct?”

I didn’t completely understand my feelings for her, but I was devastated by her rejection. I expected that to be the beginning of a relationship even deeper than what we already had. I didn’t know where it would go, but I knew no other woman could satisfy me in the way she did. I could be completely myself with her, and I knew I wasn’t gonna find that with anyone else. “Yes.”

“Then ask her.”I had her address on file, so I knew where she lived. I’d never been to her apartment before, but I’d been in the car with Ronnie when we’d dropped her off at her building. After I left my car on the street, I entered the lobby and walked to the fourth floor.

When I reached her front door, I stood there and stared for a few minutes. I could wait to have this conversation tomorrow, but I didn’t want to talk about this at work. If I invited her to my penthouse for a conversation, she might say no. And talking on the phone would just be weird. After a deep breath, I knocked on the door.