The Boy Who Has No Hope (Soulless 6)

She packed her things. “Fine…”

I walked her down the hallway and let her into the apartment. Dad was in the kitchen, making dinner, which was a first. “Mind watching Lizzie for an hour?”

“Not at all.” My dad turned from the pans on the stove. “Just about to have dinner.”

“And ice cream?” Lizzie asked hopefully.

“Absolutely.” Dad came to her and gave her a tight hug with a kiss. “We’ll have the biggest ice cream sundaes.”

“Yes!” Lizzie hugged him before setting her stuff on the table.

I wanted to scold my father, but he was so happy now that he’d gotten his mobility back that I couldn’t spoil it. “Thanks, Dad.”

“Of course.” He kissed me on the cheek. “Be careful out there, alright?”

“Always. I’ll be back soon.” I headed out, hearing Lizzie’s voice as I left.

“Can we have the sundaes before dinner?”

I took a cab to Derek’s place, and once I entered the lobby, my nerves became even worse. The elevator ride was long, and I was a bit sick on the journey. My hand absent-mindedly rubbed across my flat stomach, and when the doors opened, I sucked in a deep breath.

I walked down the hallway, my pulse pounding harder and louder in my ears. When my nose was practically against the door, I stared at it for a few seconds before I pulled out my key, which Derek had returned, and let myself inside.

He sat on the couch in his sweatpants and a t-shirt, his elbows on his knees and his head tilted down. He didn’t even look at me.

I’d never been so nervous in my life. I wasn’t even this nervous when I found out I was going to have Lizzie.

I set my purse on the table and approached the other couch, where he sat during his sessions with Dr. Collins. I smoothed out my dress before I took a seat, crossing my legs as if this were an interview rather than a conversation between friends.

He kept his eyes on the floor, his hands together, his hair disheveled since he must have had his hands in it all night.

Fuck, he was going to fire me, wasn’t he?

After a few seconds of silence, he lifted his gaze and finally looked at me. Intense and deep like always, his eyes made me feel like he could see all of me, every single thought as it passed through my mind. “I don’t want to be with anyone else. I can’t be with anyone else. It’s impossible…I tried.”

My heart pounded harder. I wasn’t getting fired, but that gave me no relief.

“I can’t explain it.” He took a breath and cleared his throat. “It doesn’t matter if it’s just physical or if I’m desperate to get laid…I just have no desire. I’m in this relationship, even though we don’t have a relationship, and I’m completely committed, completely faithful to you. I’m not the same man I used to be. The only desire I have is for you.” He held my gaze as he said those words, spoke freely without censorship.

Now I could barely breathe.

“I’ve felt this way for a long time. The last woman I slept with was a poor attempt to ignore my feelings for you…it didn’t work. I don’t want to do that again, especially when the results will be the same.”

I didn’t realize just how deeply I wanted him until he said those words, until I was allowed to feel that way. I hadn’t even thought of another man in so long. My soul was wrapped around his, and I could never untangle it.

“I didn’t think I’d ever want to be in another relationship again…until I was in one.” He rubbed his palm over his knuckles, his eyes shifting back and forth as he looked into my gaze. “My stance about kids hasn’t changed, but I don’t want to lose you…because I have a feeling I’m never going to feel this way about anyone ever again.”

My high was quickly demolished when I heard that.

“So…I’ll try.”

My eyes dropped and looked at my fingers in my lap. “What does that mean? Because there’s no try. You either agree to be with Lizzie too—or you don’t. I don’t want to get attached to you, expose her to you, and then you just leave us both.” I raised my chin and looked at him again. “You don’t have a child, so you don’t understand how essential that is, to take us as a pair.”

He studied me for a long time, his eyes shifting back and forth and looking into my gaze. “I do, actually…”

My eyes narrowed.

“My stepmom fell in love with my dad and loved me like her own…while my own mother abandoned me.” His gaze remained as hard and strong as ever, but there was a subtle drop of his voice, like this information still haunted him even as a grown man. There was a scar somewhere on his heart that had never really healed. “So, yes…I get it.”