This Regret

Not only did I lose my brother that day, but to top it off, I lost someone that was like a second brother to me as well. I expected him to be there because my brother no longer was. Expected his shoulder to cry on and to be able to ask him the questions I didn’t know, but . . . he was gone too. Without them, I felt alone and my family wasn’t strong enough to be there for me, so I did the best with what I had left.

I stand up, smash the cigarette into the ground, and force a smile. “I had to be strong, Zoe.” I grab her hand and pull her to her feet. “Now let’s go show that old hag to the front door.”

The twisted look on Zoe’s face makes me laugh. Her eyebrows raise up and her freckled forehead scrunches up. “I’ll show her alright.”

Her pace quickens and her fists clench at her sides, as we get closer to the door. She’s just a little too determined right now. It’s a little scary.

“Zoe,” I say, stopping her.

She turns around and exhales. “What?”

Pushing her behind me with my hip, I reach for the sliding door. I shove her shoulder and put on a serious face. “Don’t think we won’t be discussing that cigarette with mom later.”

She throws her arms up in frustration, her eyes wide with worry. “Come on, Phoenix!”

* * *

I can’t hold back the laughter as the frisbee flies through the air and smacks Kade in the back of the head, making a loud thud.

He spins around to face me and takes a step forward, grabbing me by the hips, but I laugh, pushing him away. “That deserves a spanking,” he whispers, biting his lip. “I told you I wasn’t ready yet.”

I place my hand on his chest and give him a shove. “Oh, was that what you said?” Sucker.

“I knew it. I f**king knew it, guys.”

Oh crap! Looks like someone is a little earlier than expected.

Pulling away from Kade, I twist my head to the right to see Jen walking down the bike path with Jax snuggled in her arms.

“He was just getting me back for hitting him in the head with the frisbee, but never mind that.” I reach out and scoop Jax right out of Jen’s tight grip. “About time you brought my little guy to see me. I was about to come kidnap you.” I poke Jax in the nose and smile as he giggles. “He’s getting too big, Jen. Make it stop.”

Jax will be turning one in just a few months and it’s hard to believe how much he has grown in the last few weeks. I have been friends with Jen since we were old enough to walk and you had better believe this little boy is spoiled. It’s almost as if the little cutie is mine. I just wish I could see him more often.

He looks up at me with those big brown eyes and smacks me right in the face with his plastic set of keys. “Ouch,” I say, making a sad face at Jax. “You’re just lucky that you’re so cute and loveable.”

Kade laughs while tossing the frisbee to Jen. “Good job, little guy.” He holds his hand up in front of Jax waiting for a high-five that never comes. “No love?”

Jen snaps her arm out with a quickness that only a new mother can have, and pinches his arm. “Don’t teach him that violence is okay.”

He grabs his arm and gives her a clueless look. “You just pinched me,” he points out. “Isn’t that condoning violence?”

Jax laughs in that cute little baby voice and throws his arms out at Kade.

When Kade makes a sad face and grabs his arm in pain, Jax laughs again and bounces up and down in my arms.

“Now look.” Jen tosses the frisbee up before catching it again. “Now he thinks it’s cute when someone gets hurt. Great job, moron.”

“He’s fine, Jen. Don’t get your panties in a bunch . . .”

Their conversation trials off as I look around the park, my eyes scanning for the place with the most shade. It’s a hot June afternoon and I don’t want little Jax to be uncomfortable for even a minute. I don’t get to see Jax very often anymore and I want him to know he’s safe and taken care of when I do.

I take a seat under a tree and place Jax on my lap, while looking up to see Kade and Jen throwing the frisbee to each other still arguing about who is right. “I missed you, little guy.” I hold him up in the air and place my nose against his. “I haven’t seen you in almost two whole weeks. You better stop being too busy for me.”

“Y’all better start talking,” Jen yells out. “Don’t think that I didn’t see Kade stick his hands up your shorts the other day at work. That was just wrong.” She turns to face Kade before tossing him the frisbee again. “You dirty boy.”

“It’s nothing, Jen.” I give Kade a dirty look as he smirks proudly. If I was close enough, I would slap him upside the head. “It’s all in fun. Right, Kade? We’re only friends.”

“Just friends, huh?” He lifts a brow, pretending to act clueless before flashing Jen a charming smile. “Yeah, Jen. What’s wrong with two adults that have known each other practically their whole lives having a little fun? I can’t help it if I’m so irresistible.”

Jen takes her eyes away from Kade right as the frisbee smacks her in the shoulder. “Yeah, whatever,” she replies, while grabbing her shoulder and giving Kade a dirty look. “I would be careful though before someone gets hurt.”

“We’ll be fine, mother.” I laugh. “Thanks for the advice. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”

“I ask myself the same thing,” she mutters.

An hour of fun, and a lost frisbee later, Nathan pulls up in his Jeep and steps out. Without bothering to say hi to anyone, he leans against the side of his Jeep and motions for Jen to join him.

Kade takes a seat next to me as we both watch Jen jog over to stand in front of Nathan.

“I’ve always hated that guy,” Kade growls. “He’s lucky Jen loves him or else I would’ve kicked his ass about five different times by now.”

Watching them from across the grass, I can’t help but to wonder what he’s saying to her. I can’t hear anything, but from the look on his face, he doesn’t look the least bit happy.

I hand Jax over to Kade and get ready to stand up, but Kade grabs my wrist to stop me. “Whoa. Don’t go over there and make it worse.” He studies Nathan’s face while gripping my thigh. “If he does anything then I should be the one to go over there. Just give them a minute.”