Noah

"That looks like a good spot." I jerked my chin toward an empty spot on the lawn.

It was Paris, so obviously we weren't the only couple around. Illegal street vendors sold roses and fake champagne, which said a lot about the tourists around us.

I sat down in the grass, and I made room for him to sit between my legs. He plopped down with a satisfied sigh, and maybe he'd spent too much time with Blue. He purred like a fucking cat as he leaned back against my chest.

"This is perfect." He took out his phone and snapped off a few photos of the massive tower, a couple of the fountain to our right, as if he wanted to get that over with.

I did the same so I could focus on him. Then I dug out a blanket from the bag and wrapped it around us. It kinda cocooned Julian, and he hummed in approval and cuddled closer.

"Have you always been a romantic?" he asked quietly.

"Hmm." I'd done plenty of romantic stuff for Emma. The few times I'd found myself in a relationship, no matter how brief, I did enjoy taking care of the other person. Even spoiling them to a degree. But I guessed with Julian, shit was different. It was less for him and more for the both of us. "Yes and no, I suppose. You matter more." I pressed a kiss to the side of his head.

Julian shivered and tilted his head back to look up at me. It'd been a while since I saw so much uncertainty in his eyes, so that put a rock of unease in my gut.

"You okay?"

He bit his lip and sat up. "I feel like a damn fraud. I want to go all out with you, like you do with me, and not worry about anything…" He turned sideways so he could face me without it being uncomfortable on the slope of the hill. "I have this crap holding me back, so…perhaps it's time to rip off the Band-Aid. Because this is sort of killing me."

I held on to what he'd said about wanting to go all out with me. That kept me sane while he mulled over what he needed to say.

I assumed it was about his past.

"Whatever it is, it can't be that bad, baby."

The irony wasn’t lost on me. I'd wanted him to open up for a long time, yet a selfish part of me now hoped we could've forgotten all about it and moved on.

"Some of it is. To me, anyway." He tugged on a lock of hair that had fallen down at eye level. "But you're actually right. I made things much worse than what they were—or are. I did this to myself, and I've paid for it."

I waited him out and placed two sodas next to us while he warred with himself. And that worked. The selfish side of me shut up. Once he'd gotten it all out, I could finally help him move past this. It was what it boiled down to. I didn't want him carrying that shit.

"I was bullied in school," he admitted. "Even before we moved to Germany. Classmates called me girly, and I didn't play sports like the other boys. And it continued when we moved, so in a way I believed there was something wrong with me."

That angered me. Bullying always had.

Knowing Julian, who never wanted to be in the way, he'd hid it from James and Mia.

"I was somewhat of a late bloomer," he went on, absently picking at the grass. "By the time I suspected I was gay, JJ was five or six. He ran to the TV when Dad watched soccer, he had the same hobbies the boys who used to bully me had, and Dad lit up every time JJ was in the same room."

That packed a punch. I remembered talking to James back in the day. He always worried about Julian fitting in.

Julian offered a weak smirk. "JJ was the junior. Dad's pride and joy. I was the older emo kid who only wanted to play piano."

I gave his hand a squeeze. "Please tell me you know James was proud of you, too."

He nodded and looked down. "Like I said, I did this to myself. I've spoken to Dr. Kendall about it, and she helped me understand. Dad didn't prefer JJ because he started playing soccer. He just related to it more than me and my music."

That made sense, though it didn't erase the hurt Julian had carried.

"I didn't give them enough credit." He swallowed and withdrew his hand from mine. "Mom and Dad showed up at every recital and every coffee shop I played in, but I already had that mind-set. I couldn’t stop thinking there was something wrong with me, so I did my best to be as happy as JJ was. And Linda, eventually. I kept it to myself."