Neither (The Noctalis Chronicles 3)

“You're not the Tin Man. You have a heart; you just don't think you do. Just because the one in your body doesn't work anymore, doesn't mean it isn't there. Just because you can't use it, or say the words, doesn't mean you won't ever. Someday, you are going to tell me you love me, Peter Henry Mackintire. Someday you will say those words to me. I won't stop until it happens. Got it?” I grab his chin and force him to look at me. “I'm losing one love; I can't deal with losing another.”

He pulls my face up for a kiss. “My girl,” he says, “my heart.” He puts his hand on my chest, feeling my heart beat.

I'd give it to him if I could.

Twenty-Three

Brooke

I had to leave him. I couldn't stay or else I'd kill him.

“Don't you have anything better to do?” I said to Helena as we sat outside Jamie's window.

I knew it was weird, but I liked being close to him. I hadn't been able to apologize to him yet. He'd passed out again in his truck as I drove him home and carried him to bed. His parents and sister hadn't been home. I had to fight the urge to take the rest of his blood once it was on my tongue. Even if I couldn't see him, I could hear him breathe and listen to his heartbeat and his voice. I'd hurt his hand, and though it was healing, I couldn't heal what I'd broken. He was afraid of me, but he still wanted to be with me. I was afraid of me, too.

A million times I'd thought of what I would say to him. How I would apologize and explain, but the words wouldn't come. I wanted to tell him that I thought about him every waking moment, which was all of my moments, because I didn't sleep. I wanted to tell him that if I could go back and be mortal for him, I would. If there were a way I could be the girl I was three weeks ago, I would. I couldn't, and I couldn't tell him. I had to go. I was just having a hard time letting go.

He'd said my name several times. He knew I was there. I didn't answer.

“I have lived a lot of life, young one,” Helena said. Sometimes she sounded like a girl I could have been friends with and other times she sounded like a grandmother. It threw me off.

“Don't call me that.”

Helena laughed. “You're adorable,” she said.

“Shut up.”

“Don't you have anything better to do than stalk him?”

“Not really.”

My mission to find Ava, to see who she was and find out why Ivan had loved her and not me had long been forgotten. I wasn't sure why it had been my mission in the first place. Maybe it was because I missed Ivan. I still did, but I had something else to fill that hole. More like someone. I'd thought I'd found it, but then I'd screwed it up. I couldn't fix it, so I had to go. Find something else. I wasn't going to tell Helena about it. I still didn't know what she wanted from me.

“You must have had some reason to come to this little podunk town,” Helena said, studying her nails.

“I just ended up here. I didn't choose it.” It was much easier to lie when your heartbeat, breathing and blinking couldn't betray you.

“I see.” She climbed a tree and stood on the top limb, swaying in the breeze. She jumped down next to me. I was unimpressed. I could do the same thing. Maybe we could race one another.

“You know I am good at finding things out about people. The internet makes it a lot easier.”

“Oh really?” I pretended that I didn't care. But I did. Very much. I knew that they would think I was here for different reasons, his friends and their noctali. They already were against me, and there was nothing I could say that would change their minds. Not after how I had sought out Jamie and almost killed him.

“Yes. You should know,” she said, stepping in front of me, “that if you want to have a secret identity, you should probably use a different name.”

“Get out of my way.” She blocked my view of Jamie's bedroom. I tried to lunge around her, but she was faster. I stopped trying and crossed my arms. Why couldn't she leave me alone?

“Your name is Brooke Hallowell. You were reported missing on May 6, but that probably wasn't when you disappeared, is it? Your mother took a few days to realize that you hadn't just run off. There are still posters on every telephone pole in your town. Cara put them up. So did Dillon.”

If I were human, I would have showed the shock on my face. If I were human, I might have slapped her. Instead I stood there, saying nothing.

“You know silence is often more telling than speaking.” How did she know about Cara? And Dillon? How could she know about them?

“I know a lot of things about you, Brooke. It was easy to do a little digging. I also did a little research using one of my brothers. I have a lot of brothers and sisters. Several of them are in love with me and will do anything I ask. They found where you changed. When a noctalis changes, there is often a strong signature scent left behind that is hard to erase. Yours was all too easy to find.”

I waited for her to keep going.

“It only took a little more digging to find out who was in the area around that time, which led me to...” she trailed off dramatically. I didn't bother filling in the answer. “Ivan. Peter's brother. He's your father. Or should I say was.”

“What is the point of all this? You know who I am, big deal.”

“Well, I just find it interesting that your father is dead and you just happen to find yourself in the same town as his brothers and the girl he loved.”

I didn't snap at her. I didn't yell. I just looked at her.

“Well, don't you have anything to say?”

“What should I say? You figured me out. Congratulations.”

“The thing is, I haven't really,” she said, tipping her head to the side as if she was fascinated with me. “You didn't come here to seek revenge; that much is clear. You would have gone right for Ava if you were. Instead you went after her friend.”

“I didn't go after him.”

“I know,” she said, smiling. “You just happened to stumble on him. Strange how things happen like that, isn't it?”

“I'm not here to hurt them.” The incident the other day didn't count.

“I know.”

I was getting really tired of hearing her say that. “If you know everything, then why are you pestering me?”

“I find you interesting, Brooke. You are one of the most human noctali I have met in a long time. I like studying you.”

Jamie's family was talking in the house, a quiet human hum that I could never be a part of again.

“Go study someone else.”

I wanted to lunge at her throat, but it would do no good. She had the upper hand, and I would have to bow down to her age, strength and experience. I wished Ivan were here. He would have put her in her place. The ache of missing him was something I never thought would go away. The only thing that could cure it was Jamie, and now I was losing him as well. I had nothing left. Only my endless existence.