Disillusioned (Swept Away 2)

“Oh, Bianca.” He slammed into me one last time and pulled out quickly as he exploded onto my stomach. “Oh, Bianca.” He leaned back down and kissed me hard. “How I’ve missed you. I never should have let you go,” he muttered in my ear as his fingers played with my nipples.

I lay back, body heaving and brain racing dangerously close to the brink of insanity. All of a sudden, I was feeling panicky. Was I really ready to play this game? It didn’t feel like a game anymore. It didn’t feel like I was in control. The endorphins that had taken over my brain and led me to sleeping with Jakob once again were leaving faster than they’d arrived, and I felt as if I were in bed with the enemy. An enemy my body didn’t want to acknowledge existed. My brain, though, couldn’t forget that Jakob was Mattias and he was playing a game with me. A dangerous game, and if I wasn’t careful, I would never win.

“You give me fever.” He grabbed my hand and held it to his forehead. “Being with you gives me fever like I’ve never felt before.”

“Isn’t that a song?” I whispered as I gazed into his eyes, my body instantly wanting to trust him again, but my brain reminding me to stay on track. I was doing this for a reason. I could control my heart and my body as long as I focused.

“I don’t know. Is it?” He brought my hand down to his lips and kissed it lightly.

“We need to talk, Jakob.” I rolled over. “I want the truth.”

“All I want is to flip you upside down and take you again.” He fingers played with my belly button and then he jumped out of the bed. “I need to use the restroom.”

“Okay.” I nodded and stared at his tight butt as he walked across the room. My body started trembling as I lay there, and not from sexual excitement. This was wrong on so many levels. I was confused on so many levels. Staring at a naked Jakob was heaven and hell, and I didn’t know if he was an angel here to save me or a devil waiting to pull me into the pit of fire.

“I’ll be right back.” He opened the door. “And then we can get back to business.”

“One thing first: How did you get into my apartment?”

“I have a key.” He closed the door.

And I took a deep breath and made my decision.

Chapter Six

No one will ever say I should go to the Olympics. I’m not someone who could win a hundred-meter dash, but as soon as Jakob went into the bathroom, I jumped out of bed so quickly that I’d have given Usain Bolt a run for his money. I wedged my desk chair in front of the bathroom door, threw on some sweatpants, a shirt, and a jacket, grabbed my handbag and phone, and ran out the door. I didn’t want to leave. My body was still trembling in remembrance of the magic it had just experienced, but I was more confused than ever.

I didn’t trust myself around Jakob. He hadn’t told me anything new, yet I hadn’t been able to resist him. I was putty in his hands. For all I knew, this was part of his game. Maybe this was why he’d let me go. He wanted me to trust him. He wanted me to think that I had nothing to fear from him. Maybe he was conditioning me so that he could gain my trust and get what he was really after. The problem was, I didn’t know what he was really after and I was beginning to fall under his spell again; not that I was sure I’d ever left it. I needed to be stronger than this. This had to be the last mistake I made trusting him—and sleeping with him. I couldn’t afford to let my heart lead me anymore.

I ran out of the building and into the street, hurrying into a crowd of people. All of a sudden sadness crept into my soul. I didn’t feel as if I’d made the right move, but I knew staying wouldn’t have been right either. The grief inside me had become an empty void. My stomach growled, but I wasn’t hungry. I didn’t want to continue on this journey, but I felt like it was too late to turn back. I was being played and also trying to play my own games and I was so caught up that I didn’t know what way was right any more. My weakness for Jakob was only going to make everything more difficult. I’d started this journey by myself and I needed to rely on myself. That look in his eyes, in David’s—that wasn’t love, that wasn’t adoration. It was lust and desire. And lust and desire were cheap and commonplace emotions. If I was going to continue searching for the truth, I needed to be stronger, harder, more focused. And I needed to figure out exactly how far I was willing to go. I’d already crossed a line I’d never thought I’d cross when I’d calculatingly slept with Jakob. I needed to make sure that whatever decisions I made moving forward were going to be ones I could live with.

I pulled out my phone and called the only person I could. The only person who could advise me without having an agenda.

“Hey, Bianca,” Rosie answered on the second ring. “Where are you?”

“Walking down the street. Want to get a drink?”

“Oh, I would, but I still have my date tonight.”

“Oh, right.” I wanted to ask Rosie if her date was more like a booty call, but I didn’t want to be rude.

“I can cancel though, if you need me.”

“No, no, don’t cancel. When am I going to meet him?” I asked softly.

“Soon, I hope.” Rosie sighed. “We had a bit of an argument. I’m not sure it’s going to work out. We’re meeting late tonight to discuss the future of our relationship.”

“Oh no, why?”

“You know me, I have trust issues.” She sounded short. “He isn’t like most guys.”