El Santo (Saint-Sinner 1)

Amira was the only thing I ever did right.

She smiled wide, it was working. “What? You never get emotional about my birthday. Is it because I’m turning into such a beautiful girl?” She batted her lashes at me.

“Now, you’re just fishing for compliments, but I’ll take the bait. You’ve always been beautiful, Muñeca.”

She shyly smiled, and her cheeks blushed. It was the first time I’d ever seen that beam in her eyes, and I recognized it all too fucking well. Without saying another word, she got on the tips of her toes, leaned forward and kissed my cheek. A little too close to my mouth. Amira was never timid, she openly showed me affection, though this was different.

For both of us.

She slowly backed away. “Is that for me?” Eyeing her gift that was still in my grasp.

I nodded, handing it over to her. She made it a point to lightly touch the ends of my fingertips as she took it out of my hand. Further proving that I was doing the right thing by her, which was all I wanted.

“Damien…” she muttered, loud enough for me to hear. Smiling from ear to ear when she saw the passport holder I bought her. “It’s perfect! Now I can travel the world in style. Thank you!” She kissed my cheek again, but this time it was an innocent gesture. Unlike before.

“Your birthday’s not over yet. Go throw on some warm clothes, I have somewhere I want to take you.”

She happily listened, prancing into the house so high on life. Yelling over her shoulder on the way to her room, saying something about leaving Rosarío a note, who had to run over to the neighbor’s house or some shit. It seemed like all I did was blink and we were in my car almost reaching our destination. Amira was talking about one thing or another as I stared blankly out the windshield, nodding my head every few minutes as if I was paying any attention to what she was actually saying. As much as I wanted to be living in the moment with her, my mind was somewhere else completely. To the point I began to wonder if I would ever fucking think about anything else again.

“We’re at Ciudad Mar! I knew you were taking me to the beach. And you’ve picked one I’ve never been to! You always give me the best birthdays, Damien! How do you do that?”

“Because I know you,” I stated, parking the car. Silently praying I could get through the next few hours without losing my shit.

I grabbed the blanket from the backseat and wrapped it around her shoulders to walk down to the water. Arriving just as the sun was setting over the horizon. I found us a secluded spot near a fire pit in the sand, igniting the wood to keep her warm. Cuban nights were starting to get a little breezy, especially when you were near the ocean. She stared out at the water, aimlessly discussing all the cities she wanted to travel to. How many stamps she’d have in her passport, convinced that one day we’d get out of Cuba, and I would finally show her all the places she wanted to see.

I just sat there next to her, listening intently. Drowning out everything else spinning a web in my fucked-up mind. I couldn’t help but stare at the side of her face through the flames and the sparks, soaring up into the dark sky. Seeing the little girl that once wreaked havoc on my life, knowing now she was anything but that any longer.

“Can I lay my head on your legs? I want to look up at the stars and show you something,” she coaxed, looking back at me.

“Since when do you ask to lay on me?”

She giggled, shrugging her shoulders. It was still one of the sweetest fucking sounds I’d ever heard. I leaned back, stretching out my legs. Patting my thigh for her to come rest her head on me. She crawled over, lying down immediately.

“Okay, give me a second. I need to find them.” She narrowed her eyes, sucking in her bottom lip. Something she did when she was deep in thought. “Alright, found them,” she exclaimed, pointing toward a cluster of stars, trying to connect the dots with her index finger so I could follow. “That’s Princess Andromeda and that’s her husband, Perseus. Do you see how they unite in the middle? You can’t tell where one star ends and the other begins, kind of like they’re holding hands.”

I nodded, waiting to see where she was going with this.

“After consulting an oracle, the King and Queen chained Princess Andromeda to a rock, in order to be sacrificed to the monster.”

I grinned and she did too.

“But the hero, Perseus, was nearby and heard of the imminent death of Andromeda. He came to her rescue and saved her from the monster. She returned to Greece and they got married, having nine kids. After Princess Andromeda died, the Goddess of love, Athena, placed her in the sky as a constellation, nearby her beloved husband Perseus. They were two soul mates who were destined to be together forever, so she made them constellations so they would be.”

“Where did you learn that?”

“Charo, she’s teaching me Greek Mythology.”

“And what about that legend made you want to tell me their story?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

We locked eyes.

“I need you to promise me something,” I addressed in a serious tone, unable to hold back any longer.

We needed to get going, but that wasn’t the only reason. Her fucking story. There was a similarity to it, almost like it had been written for us.

The princess.

The hero.

The monster…

It was just too much to take. I wasn’t a fucking idiot, these last few months Amira had started to find ways to touch me, or to have my hands on her. Excessively teasing me, conscious of the fact that I would tickle her. Not to mention the not-so-subtle ways of making me lay with her at night because she was scared of her dreams. When I knew damn well there weren’t any currently haunting her. Just so I’d rub her back. The random items she’d leave me became more personal. She continually started showing up more and more at my apartment unannounced, with some bullshit excuse I never believed.

More needs.

More wants.

More… more… more…

I quickly realized after hearing that story, how deep Amira’s feelings had turned for me. It was something I had to put an end to, now.

“Okay…”

“I mean it, Muñeca. In all these years, I’ve never asked you for a damn thing, but I need you to do something for me.”

She sat up, never taking her eyes off mine. “You’re scaring me.”

“I need you to trust me when I say that everything is going to be alright.”

“Damien, what’s—”

“Promise me!” I ordered in a rough, demanding voice.

She jerked back, shaking her head. “No. Not until you tell me why.”

“Goddamn it, Amira!” I roared, abruptly standing up. “Why can’t you ever just do what you’re fucking told?”

She followed suit, getting right in my face. “Stop it! Don’t do that. Don’t turn on me. Just tell me what’s going on.”

“I’m going to do more than tell you. Let’s go.” I turned and left before she could reply.

The entire walk toward the dock, I could feel her anxiety searing its way into my skin. Leaving scars that would never fucking heal. She followed closely behind as if she needed to feel the warmth radiating of my back. Giving her a false sense of security. We stopped just under the pier sign, where I had just been standing six hours ago. The loud rev of an engine sounded in the distance, getting closer and closer.

From the second the speedboat came into our sight, I knew I was fucked.

Right when I heard her loudly gasp, “No…”

I simultaneously spun around, ready to grab her and throw her over my fucking shoulder if she tried to run. Her terrified gaze went from the boat, to me, back to the boat, so many fucking times I could barely keep up. She couldn’t decide what she wanted to look at more.

The boat that was going to take her away.

Or the man who was making her leave on it.

“Muñeca—”

“Please don’t do

this,” she bellowed, her eyes welling up with fresh tears. “Please, Damien, I’m begging you. Please don’t do this.” She sounded like the panicked little girl I first met almost six years ago.

Breaking my fucking dark, soulless heart.

“I promise I will listen to everything you say and order me to do. I swear I’ll stop teasing you. I’ll stop waking you up in the middle of the night. I will do whatever it takes to make you not send me away,” she pleaded, her voice breaking profusely.

I was surprised she managed to get it all out. Tears escaped her eyes, falling down the sides of her shattered face. Fueling the war between what was right and what was wrong. My heart battling my mind, when all I wanted to do was protect her.

“Jesus Christ, Amira. That has nothing to do with it.”

“Then why? Why are you doing this? Is it because your father knows about me? He’s not going to tell. And if he did, it doesn’t matter. I’ll hide! That’s what I’m good at, you said it yourself! I won’t leave the house. I’ll stay in my room. I don’t care!”

“What kind of life would that be for you?”

“One that’s with you! And Rosarío! The only life I know!”

Her words were like taking bullet after bullet to my motherfucking heart. Inflicting pain, far worse than I have ever experienced before. I had to push through. I had to stay strong, this wasn’t about me.

It was about Amira.

I needed to get her the fuck out of Cuba.

Right. Fucking. Now.

I stepped toward her, touching the end of her nose causing her to grimace. For the first time the sentiment I had been doing for years, tormented and agonized us both in different ways. I placed my hand on her cheek, hoping she wouldn’t recoil away again. I knew what I was about to tell her was going to break her.

“Listen to me. I need you to listen to what I have to say because regardless, Muñeca, I’m placing you on that fucking boat with or without your consent. Do you understand me?”

And she did. She broke. Her chest heaved, her body shook under my touch, and so many goddamn tears fell in between us. I could no longer see her bright, big brown eyes.

“I’m not making you go away, Amira. I’m just following through on my promise to always keep you safe, no matter what. It’s not safe for you here anymore. It never has been. If anything were to happen to you, because of me…” I didn’t have to continue with what I had to say.

She knew it as much as I did.

“No one’s safe here! Especially not you, and if that’s the case then you have to come with me. As long as Emilio is alive, you’re in danger too. Please Damien! I can’t do this without you! I can’t live without you!” she repeated until it made itself home within my core.

Where it would eternally live alongside the hatred I already had for myself for everything I had cost her.

I wasn’t the least bit shocked at the words falling from her quivering lips. Quite frankly, I was expecting it. I was more shocked it took her that long to say it. I figured it would’ve been one of the first things out of her mouth.

“I can’t go with you,” I simply stated, softly caressing her cheek with my thumb. Needing to feel her skin against my callused fingers, even if it was only for a second. I needed her, and that was the only way I could have her. She leaned into my embrace. “I can’t protect you anymore, not as long as you are under my care. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. But my life is here. Without you.”

“Well, my life is with you, Damien. We could start over. Where no one knows who we are. We could be whoever we want to be. No pasts, no secrets. A real life… together.”

Every single word she said went in one ear and out the other. As tempting as it may have sounded, there wasn’t a chance in hell I could give her what she wanted. Needed. Not in this life, even though it was the world I always wanted.

“It’s time for you to go.”

She frowned, bowing her head in defeat. Feeling as though I was doing nothing but rejecting her. Which couldn’t have been further from the truth. My hand trembled from her shuddering so fucking hard, at least that’s what I told myself.

“Where? Where am I going to go?”

“The speedboat is going to transport you to the straits of Key West, Florida. There will be a black van waiting only for you, ready to take you to Miami. It’s going to safely get you to a church where there’s a loving family waiting to take you in. They have a nice house, two kids, a fucking dog. All your expenses will be taken care of. I have set up a plan to send money to the family, Amira. You will never want for anything, I promise you. This will be the life you deserve.” I grabbed her chin, making her look at me. “One that I will never be able to offer you.”

“Oh my god, you don’t know me at all, do you? I couldn’t care less about any of that shit.” She shoved me away.

I grabbed her wrists, tugging her to my body. Pulling her into my arms and holding her tiny frame so fucking tight. Needing to feel something, anything other than what I was fucking feeling. She buried her head into my chest, wrapping her arms around me as tight as she could. Yearning for the same exact thing.

I kissed the top of her head, breathing out, “I’m sorry, Amira, but I do.”

She began to hyperventilate, weakly attempting to pound her fists into me. All while breaking down, sobbing uncontrollably. Losing herself to misery. I let her. I deserved it.

Her pain.

Her tears.

Her feeling of betrayal.

“Why? Why, are you doing this? I know you want me, Damien.” She shoved her hands into my chest as hard as she could. “Why are you pushing me away? This isn’t fair! Not to me, not you, not anyone!” Another two blows, ramming me back. “Why are you just standing here? Say something, goddamn it! I deserve an explanation! I deserve a choice!” She raised her hand to slap me across the face, but I intercepted. Holding her securely in place in front of me. “You’re a coward! That’s all you are! Admit it! You’re scared. You’re scared to show any weakness! So I’m getting the brunt of the punishment! Why?” She started to sink to the ground, her leg’s giving up on her, much like I was. “Mama Rosa doesn’t want me to go, I know she doesn’t want me to go…”

“No, Amira, she doesn’t know,” I told her the truth, she didn’t. Rosarío would’ve never let me go through with this, but in the long run she would understand.

I held her up, welcoming every blow she continued to deliver both physically and mentally. It took everything inside me not to give in, knowing that once she was gone, my world would turn to pitch fucking black. I always thought she was the only light in my life and she was, it was only then that I recognized she was also the darkness.

Amira held the power of both.

Which was probably why our connection had always been so fucking strong. It was brought on by darkness. I gravely wanted to tell her I loved her, knowing exactly how much she needed to hear it.

I couldn’t.

I wasn't contrived like that. It only would’ve made things worse for the both of us.

So I held on to her until I couldn’t hold her any longer. The second I tried to pull away, she held me tighter never wanting to let me go.

“Muñeca, please…” I urged in a voice I didn’t recognize.

She peered up at me with tears streaming down her beautiful, sunken face. “I can’t do this. I can’t say goodbye to you. My heart is filled with so much pain,” she choked out, trying to suck in air that couldn’t be found. “I can’t breathe, Damien. I feel like I can’t breathe.”

I held her face between my hands, and it was like looking into her nine-year-old eyes all over again. Her lips trembled with each second that passed between us. Not once did her gaze leave mine.

Hoping.

Praying.

Waiting.

For me to change my mind.

“Shhh… I’m here… it’s okay, Muñeca, I’m here,” I coaxed the only thing that came to mind. Trusting it would work like it always did f

or her nightmares. Knowing this was just another one she was experiencing while she was awake.

“I love you,” she wept, looking deep into my eyes. Searching for the man who would save her, not realizing he had been there this whole time.

That was another first for me, hearing her say those three words were as destructive as hearing her say she fucking hated me.

Her emotions got the best of me. I cleared my throat, whispering, “I know,” before tucking her body against the nook of my arm and kissing her forehead one last time. I walked her toward the speedboat, about to watch her embark on her new life.

One that didn’t include me.

I grabbed my sunglasses out of the front pocket of my jacket as we walked, not giving a fuck it was dark as shit out. Just needing the false security they provided. I pulled Amira in closer, squeezing her shoulder in reassurance. She was physically falling apart in my arms, and I was the one solely responsible for it. I couldn't do anything to take away her pain, and it was killing me more and more with each step that drew us closer to goodbye.

“No, man! I have no more room for her!” Álvaro hollered as soon as we were a few feet away.

Amira instantly lifted her head, darting her eyes to me. Unbelievably hopeful.

I didn’t hesitate, not for one fucking second. “Alright, let me help you.” I let go of her, pulling out my gun from the back of my jeans. Battling the craving to put a bullet between Alvaro’s eyes for trying to play me for a fucking fool, but mostly for getting Amira’s hopes up.

Instead, I glanced at the speedboat and aimed my gun toward the motherfucker’s head sitting in one of the seats. I recognized him when we were walking up. He was as shady and corrupt as they come. Not batting an eye, I pulled the trigger, sending his body propelling back into the ocean. Immediately feeling better that he wouldn’t be near Amira where he could do god knows what.

A few of the women screamed, holding on to each other for dear life. Except Amira. I think she was more shocked that I had just murdered a man for her freedom. Placing my gun back into its spot, I nodded to Alvaro who was suddenly pale as fuck.

“Looks like you just gained a spot,” I arrogantly declared, unfazed by the pussy standing in front of me.