El Pecador (Saint-Sinner 2)

I bawled for what felt like hours as she held onto me so tightly, and for once in my fucked-up life, I didn’t feel like the man I was always meant to become. The man he wanted me to be. The monster was once again sedated, and in his place, he left behind a damaged little boy.

The one I was never allowed to be.

I pulled away, needing to get a good look at her. Smiling when I saw the familiar heartfelt expression on her face. Making me feel like I was home again.

“Ay, mi niño.” She shook her head, seeing me in the same way. “I’ve thought about this moment so many times over the years. What I would say to you, how I would feel, but now that I’m here in this moment, it doesn’t compare to anything my mind could contemplate.”

“I know. I’m so sorry, Rosarío. I should have told you I was leaving, Cuba. If I could go back and do things differently, I would. I looked for you, for both of you for years.”

“I know. I knew you would. Amira has filled me in on what’s been going on between you two.” She chuckled, “I’m not surprised you found each other again. It was only a matter of time until your souls came together. It’s fate.”

I nodded, finding it amusing she used the same word to describe us.

“I’m not going to lie to you and say I wasn’t hurt, or blindsided by your actions and decision to leave. I know you hated Emilio. I’ve told you all of your life you’re nothing like that man. I was upset for a long time, especially when we found out Amira was pregnant. I was so disappointed that neither one of you took into consideration the possible life you were making that night. But you were both young, and love makes you do crazy things.”

“If either one of you would have told me, you know I would’ve been there. Please tell me you at least know that,” I assured her.

“I do. Trust me, I wanted to tell you several times, but it wasn’t my decision to make, and to be completely honest, I couldn’t blame her for not wanting to reach out to you. In her eyes, you left us behind, and part of me thought the same for a long time.”

“The shame and remorse was eating me alive, Rosarío. I thought I was doing the right thing, and now I know I wasn’t. I’ve known that for a very long time, but the damage was already done.”

“You’ve always been impulsive, even as a boy. Andromeda is exactly like you, Damien.” She smiled. “That child was Amira’s savior, and I knew she’d be yours too.”

Those last few words gave me such a sense of pride and contentment, and I didn’t deserve it. “Amira said she came to the States shortly after I did. Did you come on the boat with her? Was Andromeda born?”

The mere thought of Amira having sex with another man while pregnant with our daughter to get here, made me want to lose my shit all over again. However, it made sense as to why she went to those extremes to get the fuck out of Cuba. Not wanting to raise our child there. I made it a point to redirect my attention to that, fighting against my possessive nature when it came to her.

“It’s not my place to answer those questions, Damien, but she will tell you. Just know she’s always included you in Andromeda’s life. When she was old enough to realize who her father was, which wasn’t until a few years ago, Amira knew she’d eventually have to tell you. There was only so much we could keep saying to her as to why she couldn’t meet you yet. From the moment she saw you again, she started working on the process to get us transferred to Miami. I swear it.”

There were endless questions I still wanted answers to, and I guess now I had all the time in the world to ask them.

Even if I was scared shitless of what her answers would be.

FORTY

DAMIEN

I took a deep breath and nodded, tugging her into another embrace. “I love you, Rosarío. I love you so fucking much. A piece of me died when I found out you were dead. Images of my childhood flooded my mind, showing me it had always been you and me. I was heartbroken to learn of your passing. Regretting every last decision I ever made, especially not saying goodbye. Thank you for everything. For raising me, for helping me raise Amira, and for helping Amira raise our daughter.”

“It’s been a pleasure. One day we can sit down and I can tell you all about her growing up. Show you all the photos and videos. I often called her Damien Jr. Always in some sort of mischief. Batting her hazel eyes to get out of trouble.”

I scoffed out a chuckle and pulled away slightly, needing to look deep into her eyes for what I was going to sincerely state, “I know we aren’t tied by blood, but you’re my mother, Rosarío. You’ve always been my mother. I don’t know what would’ve become of me, if you hadn’t been in my life. It was the only thing my father ever did right by me. Was giving me you.”

She tenderly smiled, although I could still see a hint of something I couldn’t describe in her eyes. She caressed my cheek before sweeping the hair out of my face like she often did when I was a child. “Being a parent is one of the hardest things in the world. I think that’s why your father took me in. He knew I needed you as much as you needed me. You've only just met your daughter and already you’d do anything for her. You’ve spent your entire life thinking you were just like Emilio, but in reality, you’re exactly like the man you chose to blame for the sins of another man. I think you could relate to that, eh?” She kissed my forehead and I helped her stand. “Why don’t you go take a shower, I’ll start cleaning up in here. We have all the time in the world to catch up, you must be exhausted.”

I nodded and made my way into the bathroom. The only space that didn’t look like a tornado fucking blew through it. I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold, trying to gather my thoughts and emotions that were slowly winding down the longer I stood there. By the time I was done getting dressed, most of the disaster in the bedroom was cleaned up as if nothing had ever transpired in there.

My feet moved on their own accord, pulling me toward my daughter’s light like her mother’s always did. Before I knew it, I was standing by the guest bed Andromeda was passed out in, looking like an angel in the glow of the moonlight, shining through the sheer curtains. I swept her hair away from her face, smiling when she puckered her lips. Holding Yuly tighter against her chest, reminding me once again of Amira growing up. I guess Yuly lived on and now belonged to her.

“I love you,” I breathed out, kissing the end of her nose. I don’t know how long I stood there just watching her sleep, but it was by far the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I softly shut the door behind me, careful not to wake her. I walked the few short steps back to my room, instantly feeling the light breeze coming off the balcony. Her figure caught my attention and I walked out there, finding Amira leaning forward against the railing. The soft light of the moon illuminating her creamy skin. She was a fucking vision, her hair blowing in the wind along with her silk robe, clinging to her body, accentuating all her luscious curves that I had memorized. Engrained so profoundly into my mind. My heart started beating rapidly from the effect she always had over me.

Our connection pulling me toward her in the same way it did since the first time I ever laid eyes on her.

“That whole time I thought you were talking about Andromeda. I thought you found out about her, that’s why I assumed you were so furious with me. Never did I think you’d find out about me being undercover before I got the chance to tell you, Damien,” she informed, feeling me behind her.

I leaned against the slider, crossing my arms over my chest. “You think I’d want to kill you for not telling me about her?”

She spun and we locked eyes. “Don’t you?”

I shook my head. “No.”

She breathed a sigh of relief.

“For the record though, I would’ve never killed you. I would’ve killed myself before I ever let that happen.”

She nodded, knowing I spoke the truth.

“How did you get out of Cuba? Were you telling me the truth back at your safe house?”

She narrowed her eyes at me.

“No more

lies or secrets, Muñeca. No more bullshit between us.”

She took a deep, reassuring breath. “When I found out I was pregnant, I wasn’t scared, Damien. I wasn’t worried about raising our child by myself. I knew Mama Rosa would help me in whatever way I needed. I knew you were gone, you’d left us, but I still found myself going to your condo to see if maybe you didn’t. That it was just another one of your lies to push me away. I had to at least try to tell you that I was pregnant, but not for me, for the baby I was carrying. I owed it to our child.”

I grimaced, I couldn’t help it.

“You weren’t there, obviously. But your father was…”

“My father?” I replied, taken back.

“Yeah. He said he’d been stopping by your condo since you left, something about making sure you stayed gone. I don’t know… he was a mess. He knew who I was and reassured me he wouldn’t say a word to Emilio, and for some reason, I trusted him. I told him if he happened to talk to you, to let you know I was looking for you. That it was urgent and important, and to please have you reach out to me.”

I waited on pins and fucking needles for her to keep talking, needing to hear where she was going with this.

“I came home from class a few months later and he was standing in Mama Rosa’s living room. He’d just gotten there minutes before I walked in. He took one look at me and my pregnant belly, and he just knew. I didn’t have to tell him. It was why he unexpectedly showed up, he was following up on his suspicion from when I saw him at your place.”

My father was always a perceptive man, which was definitely a trait I got from him.

“He stayed for dinner, catching up with Rosarío. Talking about old times, reminiscing on everything he had missed over the years. I got the feeling that something had gone on between them once upon a time, but that story is for another time. I told him about school, our relationship, and all the things you had ever done for me. It was nice, Damien. He was nice. It was obvious he was hurting as much as we were. He missed you, felt alone. Asked how my pregnancy was going, if I knew what the sex of the baby was. Normal questions any concerned grandparent would ask. He wanted to know what my plan was and I told him I’d figure it out,” she paused, hesitating for what she still needed to tell me. “When he was leaving, I told him I’d keep him updated, and if he wanted to be involved in any way I wouldn’t take his grandchild away from him. I could see it in his eyes, he was worried for me.” She held her stomach. “For us.”

I listened intently, never expecting what she was about to share.

“He showed up again a few weeks later with fake death certificates for Mama Rosa and I. Adamant that he was getting us the hell out of Cuba,” she explained as my eyes watered with tears. “Saying we had an hour to grab whatever was important to us, and that there would be a boat ready at the docks to take us to America. He’d taken care of everything, including who would help us once we got there. He handed me an envelope filled with thirty-thousand dollars and said he wished he could give me more, but he paid for our spots on that boat and this was all he had left. That he should have done this years ago for you.”

Tears slid down my face. There was no controlling them.

“And because he didn’t, he was now saving the woman who raised his son like her own, the love of his life, and his grandchild that he prayed he’d get to meet one day.” Her voice was breaking as she retold the story, mirroring my heart and conscience. “So there you go. That’s how we got to America. Your father.”

“That’s why he was looking at you like that at the funeral,” I lamented, clearing my throat. My emotions getting the best of me. “It wasn’t because he remembered you, it was because he realized I didn’t know any of this. Including about his grandchild.”

She nodded, wiping away tears that fell from her eyes. “I’ve kept him updated over the years, even sent him a few pictures of her. Andromeda would love to meet him, she says he’s a hero like you.”

“What happened when you got to the States?” I asked, wanting to know.

She shrugged. “My pregnancy was good, I didn’t have any problems. I was in labor a few hours and then she was here, perfect and everything I ever wanted. She was the best baby. There were times that I didn’t even feel like she was there. The family that helped us once we arrived was amazing. We stayed with them for probably well over a year after Andromeda was born. They got us legal papers, I was able to go back to school. Life slowly went back to normal. A new normal… without you.”

It hurt me to hear her say that, but at the same time it gave me peace to know she was strong. It was how I raised her to be.

“Why the FBI?”

She smiled. “The husband of the family we lived with was in the force, and I was just drawn to it. I loved the way he had this sense of accomplishment on his face every time he helped another family seek justice. I don’t know how your father knew them, I never asked. I was just grateful he put them in our lives. When I told him I was interested in possibly pursuing a career, he helped me get an internship. It was how I moved up the ladder so quickly. Once Andromeda got older and she learned what I was doing, she didn’t like it. She hated moving all the time and having to be home schooled.

“When I took on this undercover position as a drug lord, she was only eight, so she didn’t care about being in the safe house. It was still a game to her. Over the last couple years though, I can see it’s taken a toll. She needs a normal life. I’ve always considered stepping away and then when I saw you and things… you know. I figured this was maybe the time to do it. The only reason I told you Mama Rosa was dead was because I was undercover and I knew if I told you she was alive, you’d go investigating and possibly blow my cover. I never meant to hurt you. But I had no other choice.”

“Did you ever wonder how I’d find you? How I knew where to send Mariposas to?” I questioned, arching an eyebrow.

“Oh.” She grinned. “You mean the tracking device you put on my phone?”

I chuckled, “So you knew?”

“Not at first, but over time I figured it out. It made no sense how you weren’t able to find me for thirteen years, and then all of a sudden you showed up everywhere I was.”

“I see now.” I knowingly nodded, understanding. “It’s why you’d fall off the fucking grid sometimes, huh? You would shut off your phone when you’d go see Mama Rosa and Andromeda.”

“Yes. It’s also why I’ve been on the phone so much lately. I’ve been trying to get them to Miami. After you told me you had to go out of town, I rescheduled them to come in tomorrow, but it didn’t work out. I wanted to tell you before they showed up. I was going to tell you everything tomorrow night. I swear on our daughter’s life.”

“I believe you. This whole night was a fucking shit show with one thing after another. When I saw those files and learned that you were FBI… I just… I just fucking snapped. I lost it. I thought it was Evita all over again. I should have trusted you, but you and I both know that I’m far from fucking perfect. I don’t deserve you, even after everything we’ve been through, I still don’t.”

“I would never betray you, Damien. I owe you my life.”

My chest rose and fell with each deep breath I took as I walked over to her, placing my hand over her heart. Feeling as though it was beating for me and only me.

Knowing it never stopped beating that way.

“We’ve both made mistakes, Muñeca. Me more than you. I should have never left you. It cost me everything I ever wanted. I don’t know where we go from here, all I know is that I can’t live without you. There is no me without you.” With my hands framing her face, I kissed her and she let me. Slowly, more delicately and precise.

“Damien,” she purred against my mouth, melting into my touch.

The layers of all our regrets, our mistakes, our lies, our secrets, everything that kept us apart were stripped away, and all that was left was us.

I couldn’t stop kissing her.

Not for one damn second.   We gazed into each other’s eyes as I claimed her mouth the way I wanted to. Her breathing labored as I waited for the words that never came, so I said them instead.

“Te amo.”

“Damien…”

“I’m sorry, Amira.” I leaned my forehead against hers. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I know. I am too, but I still have to tell you one last thing.”

“What, baby?” I rasped against her lips.

She smiled, breathing out, “I’m pregnant.”

“What?” I jerked back with wide eyes.

“You heard me.” She grinned.

“Say it again.”

“I’m pregnant, Damien.”

I didn’t give it a second thought, I fell to my knees. Wrapping my arms around her waist, and kissed her stomach.

Our future.

Allowing my lips to linger until her hands curled in my hair, fully aware that she always had the power to bring me to my knees. I peered up at her as a broken man, as a monster, as her savior, as her lover, as the father of her babies, as the man who died for her and would do it again if needed. Mostly as the man who had walked through hell and back with her by his side.

I was always the sinner, but for the first time in my life…

I had hope that the saint would prevail to win my angel.

Finally, making us whole.

A family.

Epilogue

AMIRA

“Ahh… no, no, no! This can’t be happening. He’s not here yet, I need him here,” I panted, squeezing onto Mama Rosa’s hand as the excruciating pain ripped through my entire core.

“He’s on his way, Mamita. Remember your breathing. Nice slow breaths—one, two, blow out,” she coached, filling in for Damien who was currently stuck in court. Running a cool, wet wash rag over my panicked skin.

“We are running out of time, Amira. I need you to start pushing,” our midwife, Louisa guided from in between my legs on the living room floor.