Road to Nowhere (Road to Nowhere 1)

The look on his face would have brought me to my knees, had I not already been on the floor with him.

He placed his hands on the sides of my face, bringing me closer to him, but not nearly close enough. “I can’t lose you again, baby. I just got ya back. Tell me you’re here for me. Tell me you choose me. Please…”

My heart was breaking right along with his. Piece by piece fell to the floor between us, knowing it would never be whole again. “He loves me, and I love—”

“You may love him, Pippin, but you’re not in love wit’ me. You’ve been in love wit’ me for most of your life. I own you, babe. You know it as much as I do. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. Why you doin’ this to me? Us, Mia.”

My chest rose and descended with each word that fell from his lips. His face mere inches away from mine, I felt him everywhere and all at once. His scent, his body, his eyes, his mouth, even though the only thing that touched me was his hands.

“Tell me you don’t love me. Tell me you don’t wish it were me who held you in their arms. Tell me you don’t want me to kiss you right now, yeah? Touch you, take you to our bed and make sweet fuckin’ love to all night long, until there isn’t an inch of your skin I haven’t kissed, licked, or touched. Tell me you don’t feel me,” he whimpered, placing his hand over my heart, “here.”

“Creed,” I whispered in a voice I didn’t recognize. Trying to reel in my feelings, hide the fact that he still had an effect on me. After all this time.

“Tell me any of that, and I swear I’ll leave you alone, cuz at the end of the day… All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, and if that’s not wit’ me, then at least I have the memory of the love of my fuckin’ life.” He placed his forehead on mine, bringing his hands up to frame my face again. “Say the words, babe,” he groaned in a tone that made my stomach flutter and my body warm.

His mouth so close to mine that I could feel him breathe on me. The smell of cigarettes and mint took over my senses. As if he was testing me, he licked his lips slowly, provoking me.

Proving that he was right.

I shut my eyes. I had to. The realization was too hard to admit, and I knew he could see it in my gaze.

He knew me.

“Creed,” I panted, my breathing mimicking his. “Please…”

“Please what, baby?” he rasped as if he was hanging on by a thread. Waiting for me to say the magic words that would set both of us free.

“Please… let me go. I’m not the same girl you hold so dear to your heart. I may remember now, but that doesn’t change the fact that the girl you claimed… died a little at that house in the woods. And not even your touch, your love, your faith can bring her back. I’m just so confused. A part of me wants to jump right into your arms and tell you to never let me go. Your Pippin. The other part, the girl fighting the waves trying to stay afloat, tells me to turn left, right into Noah’s embrace. It’s like a train wreck waiting to happen. Both sets of tracks cross, coming together at some point, colliding with my heart. I’m sorry. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the truth. I can’t do this to Noah, not like this. He’s been nothing but there for me while you’ve been… gone.”

“Baby, you know why I was gone. Woulda never left you if I didn’t have to.”

“I know. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s been here. With me. Throughout everything my mind has gone through. And I do love him, Creed. It may not be as powerful or as strong as my feelings for you… but it’s there. Inside of me. You both are. You have my past, and he has my present. I’m just so confused on who has my future.”

He nodded, shuddering like a bucket of cold water had been poured down his body, never expecting me to say that. His hands instantly dropped, releasing my face. He stood, looking down at me with glossy eyes, struggling to step away. To walk away from the love we once shared. Making me feel the loss of his warmth, his love, his everything.

The damage was already done, and the look on his face made me question what I just did.

I stood, going right for him, but he backed away as if my touch would burn him. “Creed…

“I can’t do this wit’ ya anymore. It’s fuckin’ killin’ me.”

I forced back the tears that wanted to escape, feeling like I was dying right along with him.

“I love you more than anythin’ in this world, Pippin.”

Tears streamed down my face, so overwhelmed with so many emotions. Trying so hard to keep them at bay. I wiped away the tears from my face feeling like he’d just ripped out my heart and stomped all over it. I couldn’t fucking breathe.

I nodded, unable to form words, but it didn’t matter because there was nothing left to say. We said everything that mattered. I turned to leave, but he instantly grabbed my hand, pulling me back into his arms. Finding myself sobbing against his chest, soaking his white cotton shirt with nothing but my insecurities as his strong arms wrapped around me. I felt him cry, too.

“Jesus Christ, you’re my everythin’. You’ll always be my everythin’. The little girl who fuckin’ saved me from myself more times than I count. The same one who made me realize what love was, what havin’ the love of a good woman felt like. I never deserved you, baby, but God, I don’t fuckin’ care. Please…” he begged in a tone I had never heard from him before.

“I love you, too, Creed, and I always will,” I cried as he held me tighter, knowing he needed to hear me say those words. He’d been waiting for the last year and a half to hear.

I stayed there in his arms, both of us knowing this might truly be our end. Our final goodbye. I pulled away first, and he wiped away all my tears, kissing along my face for the last time. Battling not to kiss me on my lips. I sucked in air that wasn’t available for the taking. His arms fell to his sides, releasing me. Leaving me completely empty as I made my way toward the door, trying like hell not to look back at his broken expression.

“Pippin,” he called out as I walked out the door.

I stopped, waiting on pins and needles for what he was going to say.

“I’ve been wishin’ for you all my fuckin’ life.”

His words were too much. I needed to escape, run away, and get out of the house before all my walls caved. Our house that was supposed to be nothing but happy times.

“I’m sorry,” I said one last time. And left.

Even though…

It nearly killed me.

THIRTY-TWO

*Mia*

“Mia, you listenin’?” Noah asked, pulling me away from my thoughts.

“Hmm…” I replied, looking up at him from my laptop. I had been aimlessly staring at my freshman class schedule for I don’t know how long. I would be attending The University of North Carolina, Wilmington campus in a few short weeks. So I wanted to be prepared for my first official day as a college student.

I graduated from high school three months ago, surrounded by my friends and family, and of course Noah. My parents’ went all out with a huge party in their backyard. Decked out in my class colors, balloons, and streamers. The works. I swear the whole graduating class was in attendance, people hanging out everywhere, swimming and eating barbecue.

Though I often found myself searching the crowd for a certain tall, broody, tattooed man who would stick out like a sore thumb at a party like this. I knew my mom had mailed an invite to his shop a few days before the event. Thinking he’d like to see me graduate or tell me congratulations. He didn’t show up to the ceremony, but that didn’t stop me from hoping he’d come by the party for at least a few minutes.

“He’s not here, sweetheart.”

I turned around to see Noah’s mom standing behind me in the kitchen. All the other guests were mingling outside. “Yeah he is, didn’t you see him? He’s kind of hard to miss,” I nervously chuckled when she caught me once again looking around the crowd of people for him.

“Not Noah, Mia. My other boy.”

I winced. “How did you know I was looking for Creed?”  “Honey, I have never seen you look at anyone the way you do him. Even after everything that had happened, you still get this gleam in your eyes, and your face lights up like Christmas with the mere mention of his name.”

“I think you’ve been reading too many romance novels, Diane.”

We both laughed.

She stepped toward me, caressing the side of my face in a motherly gesture. “Sweetheart, call it woman or even mother intuition, but I know you’re torn between them, and you have been since Maddie’s funeral. I love my boys more than anything in this world, Mia. Noah’s a good man, and I would hate to see him get hurt, but stringing him along is far worse than letting him go, darlin’. Your heart has always belonged to Creed.”

I swallowed hard, biting my lip.

“I remember all the times you’d come over and sit with Noah on my couch. I wanted to pull you to the side so many times and tell you, but I couldn’t do that to my son. It wasn’t my place. Now things are different. You got your memory back, and it’s time for you to be honest with yourself. The longer you’re with Noah, the more you’re hurting him, and I can’t stand by and watch that happen. Not anymore. I love you like you were my own, and it doesn’t surprise me in the least that both my boys are in love with you. You’re a good girl, either one of them would be lucky to have you. It’s time to do right by them and you.”

I just nodded, taking in all she was saying. Knowing in my heart she was right. “I love him, Diane. I also need you to know that I love Noah, too.”

“I know, sweetie. But loving someone and being in love with them are two totally different things. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. I married the man I loved and left the one I was in love with behind. For the same reason you’re holding on to Noah, not wanting to hurt him. Jameson wasn’t always the cruel, vicious bastard he became. Money and power did that to him. I’ll never regret my choice to be with him because he gave me three beautiful, loving boys, and I wouldn’t change that for anything or anyone. But you always have a choice, Mia. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t.”

“Did you hurt him? The other man… The one you were in love with?”

She took a deep breath, looking down at the ground for a few seconds before peering back up at me with anguish written all over her face. “I did. Especially after I married Jameson. I never wanted to be that woman who cheated on her husband, but it happened. For decades. My heart wouldn’t let me forget him, and in the end, it cost him his life.”

I jerked back with wide eyes. “Did—”

“Can’t change the past, but you can change your future,” she interrupted, pulling me into a tight hug. “Anyway, I’m going to head out. I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what. No judgment.”

I hugged her back, so grateful to have her in my life.

“You go and enjoy your party, ya hear?” She smiled, pulling away. “Congratulations, sweet girl!” She gave me one last sweet smile, then turned and left.

Leaving me with so much more to think about, in ways I hadn’t before.

Creed never made it to my graduation party after all. I guess I couldn’t blame him. We hadn’t talked or seen each other since that day at the beach house almost five months ago. Not even in passing. It wasn’t from lack of trying, often going out of my way past his shop. Hoping one day I’d see him. I knew he was avoiding me after I left him broken in Maddie’s nursery. Trust me, if I could avoid myself, I probably would have, too. I was the true definition of a hot mess. Conflicted, knowing no matter what, someone was going to end up getting hurt.

And I started to think it might possibly be me.

It pained me, not to have him there. All he used to talk about was how he couldn’t wait until I graduated. He would be standing in the crowd, proud as fuck of his girl.

His words, not mine.

It didn’t come as a shock to anyone that I decided to stay in Oak Island for college. It had always been my home. I applied to several colleges out of state and got accepted into every last one of them, including my dad’s alma mater, Ohio State. Part of me contemplated running away. Starting fresh. Leaving behind the two men who were playing tug of war with my heart.

But in the end, I believed I’d find my way eventually. I just didn’t know which direction I would turn in. It was best to stay close to home, face the facts and move forward.

Or so I told myself.

In the back of my mind, I knew I didn’t want to be far away from Creed. Already had spent way too many years apart, as it was. At that point, I’d take him any way I could. Even if it meant just seeing him in passing. I’d take an occasional nod of the head in my direction, a wave of his hand, or a hello to escape his lips. Praying that he wouldn’t just ignore me like he did when I was a little girl. When I had to watch him get off his bike with another girl on the back. Pretending as if he didn’t know me, like I never existed in his world.

I couldn’t bear that again.

Noah and me were sitting on the couch in his new apartment. That happened to be right above the mechanic shop he was now employed at, not far from Creed’s business downtown. I had to drive by it every time I came to see him. There was no avoiding it. It was like the whole situation was just mocking me.

“What’s up with you lately, pretty girl?”

“Nothing.” I shook my head, my gaze still glued to the screen of my laptop in front of me. “Why do you keep asking me that?”

“Cuz you keep lyin’ to me.”

“I’m not lying. Why would I lie?”

“I wouldn’t know, Mia. Cuz you’ve shut down on me.”

“What?” I replied, taken back. Finally looking up at him, catching me off guard with his eyes, dark and brazen.

“You gonna tell me what’s wrong? Cuz I can’t make it better if I don’t know, baby.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I simply stated, shutting my computer. About to stand up, but was stopped me short when he grabbed my hand.

“Don’t walk away from me, we ain’t done.”

I jerked my arm away. “Obviously, I don’t want to talk about this. I’m fine. Promise.”

He cocked his head to the side, narrowing his eyes at me. “Is this about your memory? Cuz God knows we haven’t talked ‘bout it since it miraculously reappeared.”

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything at all.

He leaned back into the couch again, slowly nodding his head. The realization quickly took over the expression on his face. “So… this really is about your memory? Or should I say Creed?”

I winced, hearing his name. I couldn’t help myself, it was quick, but he still saw it.

He shook his head, running his hands through his hair in a frustrated gesture. “I fuckin’ knew it. I knew once your memory came back it would be all over for me. For us.”

“I didn’t say that. You’re putting words in my mouth.”

“You don’t have to. It’s written all over your face. Has been since everythin’ started coming back to you. I’ve been tryin’ to ignore it. Pretend like it isn’t there, like I don’t see it. Fuck… even been tellin’ myself you’re just tired or overwhelmed, it’s why we haven’t been havin’ sex. You barely even let me touch you.”

“I let you touch me, Noah.”

“When? When was the last time you really let me touch you? Huh? I know.” He sternly nodded. “When I fucked you on my bike.”

I gasped from the vulgarity of his words.

“Don’t look so surprised, Mia. I’m not that fuckin’ stupid.”

“I never said you were.”

“You’re takin’ me for a fool now. Why you playin’ me? After everythin’ we have been through, have I ever made you feel like you couldn’t be honest wit’ me?”

“No,” I softly spoke.

“I love you, but you already know that. I tell you all the time. You feel it in your heart when the words come out of my mouth. It’s the sincerity in my voice

. My touch when I feel you beneath me. You consume me.”

“I know. I love you, too.”

“But that don’t mean you’re in love with me, does it?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?”

He shook his head, scoffing out, “That’s your answer? Jesus, you can’t even say it to me.”

I sat back on the couch, closer to him. “Please, just drop it, okay?”

“No. I can’t just drop it, Mia. That how you think this works? I continue to pretend you wanna be with me when you really want to be with him.”

“That’s not true. You’re my best friend. I don’t wanna lose you.”

“You also don’t wanna hurt me, but don’t you realize you’re hurtin’ me right now? You been hurtin’ me for months. Your indifference fuckin’ shatters me, cuz I know it ain’t you. I felt you, baby. Your heart, your touch, your fuckin’ words. I had you, and now I fuckin’ lost you, haven’t I?”

I bowed my head, feeling ashamed. “I’m just confused… it will pass, and we will be good again, promise,” I swiftly lied, the words feeling so foreign leaving my mouth.

“Not as long as he’s around.”

“That’s not fair! You know how much I love you. It’s been you for almost two years!”

“Well, it’s been him for longer than that. Just admit it.” He leaned forward, sitting on the edge of the couch. His elbows placed on his knees. “If you wouldn’t have lost your memory, we wouldn’t have been together. This would have never happened between us.”

“You don’t know tha—”

“The fuck I don’t!” he roared, his hands connecting with the coffee table as he yelled, making me scoot away from him. “You fuckin’ him? Is that what’s going on? Feelin’ guilty or somethin’?”

“No! I can’t believe you just asked me that!” I shouted back, abruptly standing to leave. Hastily shoving everything into my backpack, then heading straight for the door. No longer wanting to have this conversation with him.