Only One Kiss (Only One 1)

Chapter 16RalphI walk away from her as the tear slips down my face and onto my arm. I lay Ariella down in the crib and hold onto her railing as I watch her chest move up and down. I look over and see the baby monitor that made me laugh not long ago. I walked into my room, and I knew when I heard her voice that I should have turned it off. I knew I shouldn’t eavesdrop, but then she mentioned my dick, and I couldn’t not listen. I sat there laughing while she spoke to Ari. I also knew we had to discuss things. We were flirting, and it was already getting out of hand with the kiss, so I had to stop it. I thought talking about it was a good idea. I was wrong.

“I’m sorry, Cassie.” I look at her picture and walk across the room. The weight of everything that we just discussed weighs heavily on my chest. Walking back into the kitchen, I see her cooking, and I want to turn everything off and sit her down. I want to force her to tell me who it was who made her feel like that. Who would take what she had to give and just toss it away.

Instead, I sit at the counter, watching her. I try not to notice that the back of her shirt is lace, and you see the white bra strap. “Is she sleeping?” she asks when she turns around and looks at me and I see that her eyes look like she was crying.

“Why are you crying?” I ask, knowing I shouldn’t, but knowing that nothing is going to stop me from asking.

“It’s nothing,” she says, turning around.

“Candace.” I call her name, and she turns around to look at me. “I told you things I haven’t told anyone. Things that I try not to even speak for fear that Cassie can hear me and know how I really felt.” I watch her. “So don’t tell me it was nothing.”

“Fine,” she says, turning off the water and then turning to me. “One, this meal is going to suck because I fucked up the whole recipe, and two, I was crying for you and for Ari.”

“What?” I ask, and she just looks at me.

“I know that one day she is going to ask about her mother, and I know that it’s going to eat you up inside, but you have to know that deep down you love her,” she says, leaning on the other side of the counter with her hands. “I know that it is going to eat you up inside, and I just want to kick you for you to see how amazing you’ve been.”

I shake my head, her words hurting. “How am I amazing?” I ask her, and for the first time, I’m not fucking scared to let it all out. “I grew up lost and alone with no idea what love was.” I start to give it to her, and my mouth goes dry. “Then I meet this girl in foster care, and I think this could be good. But we were like oil and water sometimes.” I watch her face as she takes it in. “I don’t know if I love her. I know that I like her a lot. I know that I want to be with her, but I don’t know if it’s love.”

“Everyone loves differently,” she says softly to me, and I shake my head.

“That is the thing. That’s what I thought. Cassie would do things to get a rise out of me. I felt like I always had to prove to her that I loved her. And then it just got to be too much,” I say. “I would sit down when I was on the road and wonder is this really love. I missed her, but if she wasn’t in my life, I think I would be okay.” I wait to see if disgust goes on her face, but her eyes are still soft with tears in them. “I would be okay, but I don’t know if she would. I was all she had, and sadly, it weighed on me. When she told me she was pregnant, I was going to break up with her.” I look up at the ceiling, the tears coming out of my eyes. “If I would have gone first in that conversation, it would have gone from being a happy moment to another moment I could kick myself over.” She just listens as I pour out my heart to her.

“She loved this house the minute she saw it, and I fucking loathed it. I hate it even more now than I did before.” I look around the room, seeing that it’s not even a home. “I hope she didn’t know that my heart wasn’t as happy as hers.” I put my hand to my chest. “I hope that she never knows that I thought she planned it. I hope that she never knows that I doubted her and her reasons the whole time. I hope she never knows that even though I looked happy, I was fucking petrified that I wouldn’t know how to love my child. Petrified I would fuck her up, and for the rest of her life, she would doubt that her father loved her. I bought this monster of a house for Cassie, knowing that she never had a house. Fuck, she went into that room alone to give birth to our child and died for her. Died. She gave her life for our child, and I don’t even know if I loved her.”