Pretty When She Cries - Black Mountain Academy

He looks different than the last time I saw him. He looks better than he has in a long time, actually. His eyes are clear, his body looks healthy, and he isn’t limping around on his knee anymore. He’s bulked up a little, and there’s a new quiet peacefulness in his features.

He comes to sit beside me before thinking better of it and opts to pull a chair over instead. We both take a seat, our bodies mirroring each other as tension bleeds into the space between us.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around,” I start. “It was bullshit for me to leave like that. I should have talked to you first.”

“My dad told me about your conversation.” He rubs the back of his neck and shrugs. “It’s okay.”

“You aren’t shitty with me?”

“No.” He sounds a little surprised by his response. “I’m thinking clearly for the first time in years, and I guess in some fucked up way, I have you to thank for that.”

I lean back against the wooden slats and relax a little. “So, you’re getting shit worked out then?”

“Yeah.” He gazes over my shoulder at the ocean. “I am.”

He’s quiet for a minute, and I know it’s because he has something he needs to say. Carson tends to hold back when he shouldn’t, only to explode when his inhibitions are down. When he was drunk or high was the only time he could be honest with anyone.

“Have you been back to BMA?” There’s a slight edge to his voice when he asks.

“No.” I kick at the paver beneath my shoe.

He nods like he expected as much. “So, I take it you haven’t heard about the shit that went down with Kail then?”

My eyes snap to his. “What shit?”

He hesitates, and every worst-case scenario filters through my mind.

“She’s okay now,” he says. “But I was trying to tell you the day you left…”

“What happened to her?” I press.

My chest feels tight, and I don’t understand why he won’t just tell me.

“She…” He mutters something indecipherable and stands up, pacing away a few feet with his back to me. “Christ, Landon. I didn’t expect you to show up here like this.”

“Carson,” I growl. “Come on. Just fucking tell me, please—”

“I will.” He turns around slowly and releases a shaky breath. “But first, I have to tell you something else while I still can. Before I lose my nerve, and you take off again.”

His jumbled thoughts aren’t making any sense to me. I’m tempted to head to the reception desk right now and get a phone, so I can call Alana and ask her myself. Is Kail okay?

“I’ve been messed up in the head for a while,” Carson says, dragging me back to the conversation. “And I know you think it’s because I felt guilty over what happened that night at the party. The truth is, I did feel guilty.”

“You didn’t do anything with Kail,” I tell him. “I know that now.”

He blinks at me. “I know. I mean, I can’t remember what happened, but when I woke up, I was never worried I did anything with Kailani. I was worried I got drunk and made a move on you.”

I stare at him in confusion. “What?”

“Landon…” His face flushes. “I’ve had a thing for you since freshman year. I’m gay, bro.”

The moisture in my throat evaporates, and I’m at a loss for words. At first, I think he’s just screwing with me. I would never have thought… there would have been some clue, surely. But when I look at his face, the torment in his eyes is so undeniable, I wonder how I didn’t notice it before. Is this why he was so angry with me? Because I couldn’t see the truth right in front of me?

“You’re gay?” I repeat his statement back to him.

“Yes.” He swallows. “And I know you aren’t. I understand this doesn’t change anything between us, but I had to tell you. I can’t keep it in anymore, and I don’t want to. That night after the party when you punched me, I thought it was because I must have said something to you when I was drunk. It never occurred to me until you mentioned Kailani that it was because you thought I’d done something with her. You were jealous of me, and the entire time I was jealous of her. She was the only one who ever had your attention.”

When he finally spits out his confession, he looks so hurt I can’t help feeling like the world’s biggest dickhead. I’ve been a shitty friend. So absorbed in my own problems and petty jealousy that I never considered any other alternative. I thought he hooked up with Kail that night, and I hated him for it. All this time, he’s been tormented because he couldn’t tell me the truth.