Pretty When She Cries - Black Mountain Academy

Her eyes drift shut, and our conversation is officially over. The only thing I can take with me are the last words she said to me.

You ruined my whole life.

I look at her withered face one last time, and whisper, “Goodbye, Suzy.”28KailaniMy mom makes a huge deal about my birthday every year. She always says we should celebrate life, and this year is no different. Just after midnight, she and Theo sneak into my room to wake me up with a celebration.

She begins with our usual tradition, placing the lei po’o she probably spent all day making onto my head. The crown of flowers is beautiful with vibrant shades of pink and white, just like the others before it. I’ve saved every crown she’s ever given me.

It isn’t long until the music comes on, blasting one of my favorite songs by Israel Kamakawiwo‘ole. “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” I think it’s the most beautiful rendition of all time.

Soon, I have a cup of pineapple whip in my hand, and they are dancing around the room like maniacs since I can’t. Theo’s dance moves are pretty much restrained to bobbing his knees left and right, but it brings a smile to my face regardless. My mom bursts into a fit of laughter as she tries to instruct him, and soon, we are all laughing so hard our sides ache.

They join me on the bed, dipping into their own pineapple whips after the performance. When they offer me my gifts, I open them eagerly. There’s a new pair of dance shoes for when I’m ready to get back on my feet, a few gift cards for my favorite bookstores, and a handwritten journal with some of their life’s wisdom and advice to guide me into adulthood. It warms my heart to see they went to all this trouble, and I honestly can’t wait to read it.

When I look up at them, I almost burst into tears. I haven’t had a father for as long as I can remember, but right now, it feels like I do. He’s been here all along, and I took that for granted. Theo didn’t have to accept me the way he has. He didn’t have to make an effort even when I was a little beast, but he did. He loved me anyway. And he loves my mom more than anything, which I can’t thank him enough for because she deserves the whole world.

I think it shocks the hell out of everyone when I fling myself toward him and hug him. When we finally pull away, my mom is crying happy tears, too, nodding her understanding. I squeeze the life out of her next, and then we all go to bed with the promise of more celebrations to come.

Of course my first day back at school would happen to fall on my eighteenth birthday. Mom tried to convince me to stay home one more day, but I need to get back to my routine. The longer I put it off, the harder it will be.

If I had any hopes that people would forget who I was or just ignore me, those are dashed as I hobble down the hall with my boot. Everyone is whispering and staring. I can hear their quiet speculations, blaming me for Landon’s absence and even my own shattered ankle. A few of the cheerleaders snicker as I walk past, gleefully pointing out I’ve gained back the extra weight I lost before the year started. And just like that, I’m back to being the gum on their shoe. Happy Birthday to me.

The death of whatever status I may have clung to in this place doesn’t bother me as much as I anticipated. It’s actually a relief. I don’t have to pretend anymore. No more lies. No more revenge. No more anger. This is who I was always meant to be. Before Landon Blackwood. Before there was a gaping hole of sadness in the space where my heart used to be.

“You need to get over him,” Court tells me at lunch as I absently chew through a sandwich.

“I’m not—”

“Don’t bullshit me.” She narrows her gaze. “You’ve been walking around here with sad puppy dog eyes all day. I know things suck right now. But after everything that’s happened with him, don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

The sandwich in my hand plops back onto the tray, and I bow my head. “I know.”

She isn’t telling me anything new, or anything I haven’t figured out myself. Landon is like a jagged edge. Even his memories are sharp. Being back in this place has reopened old wounds, and the bloodshed is hard to forget. I’m making a conscious effort to move on, but it’s easier said than done when everyone keeps bringing him up.

“I’m sorry,” Court says softly. “I’m not trying to be a bitch.”