“I would never hurt her,” he replied firmly, looking offended.
“That’s not what I meant. My worry is that it isn’t fair on you for me to expect you to take her on, too, because that’s what you’d be doing if we were in a relationship. I know that you love her, and she absolutely adores you,” his expression softened hearing this, “but if having a kid is hard, taking on a kid must be even harder. Does that make sense?” I let out the breath I’d been holding when he nodded. “I also have issues about me, about how my body’s changed since I had her. I have zero hang ups because of what happened with Larry, but I guess maybe at the back of my mind I do have one that revolves around the fact that – if I wasn’t enough for him before I had her, then am I enough now for someone else since I’ve had her and my body has changed. It’s a strange way of looking at it, but at the same time, maybe it isn’t?”
Frowning, he looked down at the small area of couch between us, then picking up one of Liv’s blankets that was folded on it and rubbing it between two fingers. I was so busy watching his hand – and admittedly thinking rude things that involved those hands – that I wasn’t expecting it when he answered.
“The first time I saw you was when I was picking up some stuff from the store. You were pregnant and trying to reach something on the top shelf while he did shit on his phone.”
“I remember.” And I did. It had made my day, made a lot of shitty months better, and it happened on the same day that I’d first heard from Tabby. I’d had so much from Larry up to that point, bruises everywhere from where he’d grabbed me and yanked me around, and I was behind on a couple of pieces of work that day that needed to be done because he was in one of his moods. There hadn’t been anything in the house to eat at all, so I’d gone to the store and Larry had turned up because he’d needed money. When Ellis had helped me out and treated me like I was a person instead of a thing, it had given me a kick up the ass to sort shit out before Liv was born. And then I’d gotten home, and as I was unpacking the groceries, I’d found out I had a sister and one who was the most beautiful person inside and out that I’d ever met until Olivia was born. Then I’d gotten more beauty in my life as I got to know Ellis, Dave, the Townsends… It marked the moment life changed and was unforgettable to me, and this man and my sister had brought color back into a really dark part of my life that day.
“You wouldn’t leave my mind, and the fact that you were pregnant never once occurred to me to be an inconvenience or an issue at all. After that, I saw you,” he paused and focused on the blanket. “And I hate to tell you this, but a lot of us were watching over you and making sure you were ok.” This news made everything inside of me freeze. I was embarrassed, absolutely fucking mortified, but I was also a little angry. Before I could say anything, though, he dropped the blanket and grabbed my hand. “I swear though, baby, if we’d had any idea of exactly what you were going through, I’d have been the first one through the door to stop it.” When I still didn’t say anything, he gave my hand a small tug. “Look at me, please.” He sounded tortured, and strangely that’s what snapped me out of the thoughts and emotions running through me. “I swear I would have, and there isn’t a minute that goes by where I don’t feel so fucking guilty that I didn’t just do it, anyway. The extent of the emotional and mental abuse… I hate that I didn’t do something, and that no one knew so we could help you, even if it was just talking to you.”
When he stayed silent after that last part, I took time to look at him, really look at him, and I hated what I saw. I didn’t hate him, I hated that he felt guilty for my problem. It was me who went through with the wedding, regardless of how I felt at the time. It was me who married Larry. It was me who stayed with him, who didn’t grow a pair of chesticles and up and leave. Yes, people knowing was embarrassing, and I was angry at myself that they knew how badly I’d failed. But at the end of the day, was it really up to them to do something about it when technically it was all my fault? I wasn’t being a martyr, but so many women had it so much worse than I had. I had the advantage of a strong mind to get me through it, and I hadn’t wanted to end up like Wylda, going from failed relationship to failed relationship, so I’d continued to fight to fix what had been broken in my marriage, regardless of the fact that I didn’t love Larry anymore. Leaving a relationship is never easy, and I’d seen stories online about the percentage of women who left their marriages and had to live in poverty, and that pissed me off because I’d worked hard for everything I had. There were also a lot of statistics that showed how much higher at risk women are at of injury and violence when they’re in the process of separating and divorcing from an abusive spouse. With that in mind, and without a supportive network nearby, I had to make sure I would be ok once I made the break. I’d been in the process of making plans to end it when I’d gotten drunk when Wylda had come to visit, one thing had led to another, and I’d ended up pregnant with Olivia. I’d been upset when I found out, but it had also given me hope because I knew I couldn’t stay with him, living trapped inside the house because he ‘didn’t see the point in me going out’, and I’d plotted and planned throughout the pregnancy. How ironic was it that the worst person in my life had ended up giving me the most beautiful females in my life twice? It was also ironic that it was Larry’s own stupidity that had given me the freedom I’d prayed for, and as a huge believer in karma, I loved that. But the fact that Ellis, the man who had done so much for me and my daughter, carried a burden associated with what had happened? That almost choked me.