It's Never Easy - Boudreaux Universe

I knock twice. I leave my hand on the door, feeling the cool wooden surface under my knuckles. She’s home because there’s a light shining from underneath her door. From the other side, I hear shuffling, and then the door opens a crack. I notice the chain meant to hold the door shut, but I know if I truly tried, I’d be able to break my way in.

Would I do that?

“Open the door, Nea.”

“I’m tired, Julian. Please, just leave me alone.” Her voice is broken as she says this, the pain evident in her tone. I fucked up this time, and I did it royally.

“I’m not leaving until you come out and talk to me, or you let me in to talk to you.” I keep my voice steady, even though I’m losing my shit inside. The turmoil currently raging a war in my gut is nothing compared to the moment I saw she’d left.

“I really can’t do this tonight,” Nea tells me. She doesn’t look. She keeps her gaze on the floor, and I notice her slippers — big, fluffy, pink unicorns. It makes me smile because from her ink, piercings, and purple hair, I would never have guessed she’d own anything pink.

“You can do this tonight because I need to talk to you. As your boss, I order you to open this fucking door, Nea,” I bite out, frustration slipping from my lips in my cold, commanding tone.

This causes her to snap her gaze toward me. Her eyes hold indignation at my tone, and I know her anger is about to spill over. “You’re such an entitled asshole, Julian Elliott. I cannot do this right here, or now. I need time to think about what we’re doing, and if you can’t accept that, perhaps I should call the police, and they can explain it to you in their own way.”

The confidence she exudes only serves to make me want her more. She’s everything I could ever need, and I fucked it up.

“I want you, Nea. I didn’t mean to freak out. I’ve just never felt like this about anyone before.”

“And standing at my door demanding I open it for you is not the way to apologize.” She’s right; I’m acting like the asshole she saw on her first day— the angry recluse of a man who had been broken one too many times. The man whose biggest fear was being left alone, but even so, all I wanted was to be on my own.

After Nea came into my life, I wanted more. Something different. That scared the shit out of me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I turn, and I hear her breathe deeply. I’m so in tune with her, I can sense her emotions as if they were my own.

She doesn’t respond. The door shuts with a click, and I hear the lock turn. I don’t know if she’s leaning against the door like I want to. I don’t know if she’s crying just the way I picture her doing. But every instinct inside me fights the raging war within me. I shouldn’t leave, I should not walk down the stairs and out the door onto the sidewalk. But I do anyway.Chapter 23NeaI don’t want to walk into the office today. I certainly don’t feel like seeing him. When Julian knocked on my door last night, I almost opened it and let him in. But if I did, I would’ve only fallen into bed with him because, for some unknown reason, I can’t say no to him.

My Uber dropped me at the end of the driveway, I needed to clear my mind before walking into the house. The stroll down the drive is long, but I take it slowly in the hopes I can think through what is going to happen when I see him. I have so many things I’d like to say to Julian. But none of them seems like the right thing. Yes, he’s made me feel things I never thought I would, or could, but I’m also not going to just move in with him because he asked. Then I’m reminded of how he ran off the moment he asked the question.

My emotions feel as if they’re at war with each other. But I’m not a lovesick teenager, I’m grown up, and I’m not going to let him sway my decision. I came here to find out who I am, to find out what my journey in life should be, and that’s what I’m going to do.

I definitely have feelings for Julian, and the thought of him not actually being divorced also plays its role in my thoughts. Actually, if I had to be honest, it takes the lead role in my mind because I’ve become the other woman, even if the man I’m sleeping with believed he was single.