“I mean, if you need it--- There’re plenty of sites where you can order a vibrator,” she offered.
“Daphene, I don’t think we’re at the stage in our relationship yet where I can discuss vibrators with you,” I confessed after a paused. “Please don’t pursue this.”
“All right, but if you need any advice…”
“I’m fine,” I said trying to move past it.
“Okay, but we can talk about these things. We’re both women.”
“Yeah, but I’m not comfortable, okay?”
“I get it, but---”
“Really not comfortable,” I insisted.
“Okay, I guess, if you don’t want to hear about this new position,” she tempted.
“What? No!” I dismissed. “Daphene, this is too personal for me. And you said you wanted to mother me. Go ahead, but don’t mention the V word again, please.”
“But it’s important for your health.”
“So is broccoli, but I don’t buy it every day.”
“Dildos are an option.”
“Oh, my God! Stop! Please!” I begged her. “You’re making this so uncomfortable. We were having a nice chat in the pantry.”
“I just want you to know that you can talk about anything with me,” she kept insisting. “I’m here for you.”
“Yes, I get it, but just--- Baby steps, Daphene. Baby steps,” I urged.
“Can I get a hug at least?”
She put out her arms. I gave her a hug. I really wanted to get out of the pantry and go anywhere now.
“Thanks,” she said.
“Let’s get out of here,” I offered. “Let’s have a snack to celebrate our new understanding.”
“Ice cream?”
Anything to end this conversation.
“Yes, sounds great,” I replied.Chapter Eleven - PhilPlaying Scrabble with Mom was a bit of a challenge. We had both gotten really good at the game since we played Words With Friends on our phones all the time.
Tracianne and Richard were in the study. Richard needed her to set up his computer for a Zoom meet or something.
Sometime around the third game, the topic came up as it always did. I think the word she put down was “abandon”. Guess I must’ve made a face.
“What? That’s spelled right. Are you challenging?” she asked.
“No, just that word. Makes me think of dad,” I said.
“Oh,” she said, realizing we were about to have the same conversation. “If you want to talk, Phil. You can talk to me. Ask me anything.”
“Why’d you leave dad?” he asked. “Don’t give me the kid reason. Give me the grown up reason. The real reason.”
I kept my voice low. The last thing I wanted was for this conversation to be overheard by Tracianne and Richard on the other side of the house.
“Oh, Phil,” she said looking down. “There were things that--- You were too young and you wouldn’t see them.”
“Like what?”
“Your dad was a trucker and I was alone with you,” she explained. “It was tough raising a kid alone. And that’s the way I felt. I felt like a single mother with no support.”
“But dad was working,” I countered. “He was working for us. To provide a good home and support. He called from the road all the time.”
“It’s not enough, Phil,” she said looking down again. “It was mental torture for me waiting for your father. I was married and I felt alone. And even when he was home, he was emotionally available.”
“What does that mean?” I scoffed. “That just sounds like a buzzword. You mean he didn’t pay attention to you?”
“I guess. Phil, I was alone for hours--- Days!” she said, raising her voice a little and then calming down. “When I got married, I thought I would be with your father, but I wasn’t. I was always…waiting for him instead. I couldn’t take it.”
“So what, you needed constant attention? I mean, how were we supposed to live, ma?” I asked, trying to understand. “What would you have him do?”
“I don’t know, Phil,” she said, already exhausted on the subject. “I just--- I needed someone around. Richard was there for me. He’s here now. And looking back on it, Richard’s a better fit for me. I care deeply about your dad, I really do, but--- Richard and I are on a different level. We’re in sync and we’re very happy.”
“You don’t seem that happy, mom,” I countered.
“Did I seem happy with your father?”
I wasn’t expecting that question. Guess I deserved it. What choice did I have if this was going to be a “real” conversation, right? I stammered, trying to stall for time, but by the expression on her face--- You could tell that she had cornered me.
“Okay,” I confessed. “You didn’t seem happy. I will admit, you seem happier with Richard but--- What about dad?”
“Your father’s a grown man,” she explained. “He can deal with loss and divorce. He’ll find someone else and it’s not like he would take me back--- Even if I did want to get back together with him. Which I don’t, by the way. Let me make that clear.”