With Every Breath (Slow Burn 4)

One more day. Less than twenty-four hours now and she had only that much time to reassess her options and adapt because she would not fail this time. She would succeed at any cost and no one, especially not Wade, would die because of her.

Because she could call what she felt for Wade a lie for an eternity and exist in the same state of denial that got her in over her head years ago, but she knew the truth. It was raw and it was painful, as only the truth can be, but what she felt for Wade, what he made her feel for him and the fact that he gave her a taste of the forbidden—hope—and one night of feeling loved was no lie.

It was real. Too real. And it scared the ever loving hell out of her because she could not allow her deepest secrets, the hopes and dreams she’d never shared with anyone or the longing for what Wade offered to be real and not just a hopeless dream interfere with her objective, distract her or sway her from her mission.

Too many lives depended on her having the strength to carry out and execute her plan. A mission that had consumed her very existence the moment she’d received that horrifying phone call telling her Thomas would become a free man in a couple short weeks.

She lived the mission. She ate, breathed and slept—the few times she could sleep—the mission and nothing, not even the promise of experiencing the beauty she’d never had and had once wanted more than anything in the world, would interfere with her destiny.

Some would call it revenge. Others would call it retaliation. Few would say justice had been served. But to Eliza, it was none of those things. They didn’t even factor in.

For her, this was love. The love she’d been denied for most of her life but had finally seen it, witnessed it, experienced it for what it truly was. Love was sacrifice. Love was being willing to do anything to protect someone you loved. Love was making the hardest decision you would ever face in a lifetime and then when it was done, knowing you’d do it all over again with no hesitation, no regrets.

Not many would understand Eliza’s reasoning or what it meant to her. But for her, it was simple and uncomplicated. Her task, her mission, the necessary evil she had undertaken without a second thought, no hesitation and no regret was for love.

And there was no sacrifice too great for love.

For Wade.

Oh God. She couldn’t lie to herself anymore. This wasn’t her. She’d always been nothing but honest with herself. Too honest at times. Wade meant something to her. And she was so mixed up, confused and conflicted but above all else, for the first time she felt hope. And damn it, but it felt good. Better than good. And it was Wade who’d given her that gift. It was Wade who put himself out there, made himself vulnerable while she’d held back, refusing to give him back what he gave to her.

He’d told her she mattered. That she was important to him. He cared. About her! God only knew she’d done nothing to merit his regard, the patience and tenderness he displayed.

She’d treated him reprehensibly, and worse, she’d tried to use him. Like he wasn’t human and didn’t have feelings or emotions. She’d erected a concrete wall between them so he couldn’t get in, couldn’t see past the façade she’d spent a decade perfecting. And yet somehow, he’d slipped right past her barriers, had dug deep below the surface of the caustic camouflage she wore like she was born with it and had found the real Eliza beneath all the anger, fear, bullshit and the dozen other roles she donned out of self-preservation and he’d handled the real Eliza with care and so much tenderness and understanding that she ached just remembering it all.

Wade was dark and broodingly handsome, a lethal combination that made women throw themselves at him whenever he walked into a room. He was wealthy with a dangerous edge that only added to his already considerable appeal. He could have any woman he wanted with no more effort than a crook of his finger, so why the hell had he chosen her?

Was he a masochist? What man in their right mind would even consider a woman with so many issues that it would take hours to list them all? He should be running as fast and as far away as possible now that he knew the real Eliza, but he’d done none of those things.

He was still here. Watching over her with a careful, attentive eye. Taking her back, protecting her. Laying the law down about her having no part in a face-to-face meeting with Thomas. He didn’t want her within a mile of Thomas at any time.

Eliza had never been in love. She’d seen it, had experienced the beauty and selflessness of it through the eyes of others, but she had no personal experience with it at all.

But what were the feelings she had for Wade if not love? How could he make her feel so much and how could she be so overwhelmed by even the simplest tender gesture if it wasn’t love? Did she love Wade? Was this what love really felt like? How would she even know when nothing about her “love” for Thomas had been real. Not a single damn part of it.

As a result, she didn’t trust herself anymore when it came to her emotions. Never again did she want to willingly hand someone so much power over her. It scared her, but at the same time, there was a yearning so deep within her that had never been filled, a fanciful dream that she had resigned herself to never achieving, never living.

Those things were for other people. Deserving people. Good people. Like the people she worked with. They weren’t for the likes of her. This was her penance for her sins. To live her life without such beauty that it hurt to look at two people who loved each other with everything they had.

Did she love Wade? Did she experience that beauty when she was in his arms? She couldn’t answer that. Yet. She was too afraid to dig any deeper than she already had because she was terrified of what she might discover and she couldn’t afford any distractions at this stage of the endgame.

If she survived and if a second miracle occurred and she didn’t spend the rest of her life in jail, then she would try to solve the mystery of Wade Sterling and why she was so off balance with him. And why she had no defense against him when her defenses were impenetrable and no one got by them unless she allowed it.

Wade had stormed into her life as though concrete barriers didn’t even faze him. It was embarrassing just how easily he saw past her guard, how he slipped right by her and was there right in the heart of her before she even realized he was there.

Love. Beauty. Hope.

Three things she’d been denied and were forbidden to her. Three things that in a matter of a few days she’d finally experienced firsthand and not through the eyes of others. Three things that she now knew she could no longer live without, yet she very much feared that she would have no choice and it would devastate her to lose them now that she knew how very wonderful they were.