Our Love Story

The guys don’t wait for me to answer. They stand and head to the door. “Tell her whatever it is that’s on your mind,” Ethan says, pressing his hand to my cheek before he leaves the room.

“Guess they thought you needed a moment alone?”

I shrug. “I think they just know I am holding a lot back and want me to get it off my chest.”

“Do you want to be pregnant?” she asks me directly.

“Um, I mean, I...” My words falter. I don’t know what to say. Or maybe I do know what to say, I just don’t know how to say it.

“We are in no rush,” she says. “Island time.” She smiles again, that warm, sand-in-my-toes smile. A smile that says maybe everything is going to be okay.

“I just don’t know if I am cut out to be a mother,” I admit.

“So, is it the pressure of your relationship with all those men?”

“God, no,” I say vehemently. “Not at all. I love them. They’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Then what is it, Chloe? I know we just met, but I’m a medical professional. What you say is safe with me.”

“I’m mostly scared that I won’t be a good mom. That I’ll let the men I love down because I’m not cut out to be a mother.”

I look up at Dr. Brown, surprised by my own confession. I usually hold my cards close to me with people I don’t know, but maybe it’s been a growing need for a while–– this admission of how I feel.

“And have you spoke about this with your, er, men?” she asks tactfully.

“No,” I say. Shaking my head, I add, “How exactly am I supposed to tell the men I love most in this world that I don’t know if I want their child?”

I bite my bottom lip, struggling with how to say more, but the need to keep talking claws its way up my throat, forcing me to spill the beans. “I’m scared if they knew how I feel, they would reject me. And I can’t lose what we have. It’s the best thing I’ve ever had in my entire life.”

“Do you want to tell me more about that? Why do you feel they are the best thing that has ever happened to you? Surely other good things have happened to you. I see here in your chart that you’re twenty-three years old.”

“I didn’t exactly have a storybook upbringing.”

“Well, Chloe, it might surprise you to know, but most people don’t.”

“No, mine was worse. My mom abandoned me when I was little. I spent my childhood being tossed around foster homes. I never had anyone I could count on, depend on. I certainly never had a family.”

“I see. And these men, they offer you a family?”

I close my eyes thinking about all the memories I share with Mason, Noah, Enzo, and Ethan. It is more than long walks on the beach and mind-blowing sex. Although both those things certainly have played a role in creating this picture-perfect life. But there is more to us than that. I’m thinking about the way they cradle me in their arms as we tell one another our deepest secrets and darkest desires. It’s the way I’m comfortable in my own skin with them, the very best version of myself.

At least, I was before I found out I was pregnant.

Now? Now I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. Scared that if they find out who I really am, how I really feel about this baby, they won’t want me all.

“These men like the Chloe they know. But the Chloe I just told you about, the Chloe who has no idea how to do this next part-- being a parent–– they might not like that girl very much. And if they don’t like her, where would that leave me?”

“Chloe, you have a lot on your mind. It’s not uncommon for a woman who’s just found out about an unplanned pregnancy to wrestle with many things similar to this. It’s natural.”

I wipe away a tear away. “This is natural?”

“Natural-ish,” Dr. Brown says, smiling.

I don’t understand. Here I am baring my soul and she’s smiling serenely.

“Chloe, I’ve been a practicing OB/GYN for twenty years. I’ve seen it all. Maybe not a young woman with four partners exactly, but early in pregnancy there are so many hormones surging through your body. You are filled with so many highs and lows as your body begins growing a person, that we don’t see things exactly as they are.”

“Are you saying I’m crazy?”

“No, I’m calling you pregnant. And I think it might be crazy if you weren’t thinking about things like this right now. Wondering where this massive shift in the reality of it puts you. It’s healthy to question, to consider. In fact, that characteristic is what would make someone a good parent. Not just thinking about themselves but thinking about a family dynamic as a whole. I’m really proud of you.”