Not Meant To Be Broken

“You are. I won’t let anyone hurt you again.” I stroked her head. “I’ll protect you.”

Slowly her breathing became even and her face relaxed. She was still clutching my hand and I was worried I’d wake her if I tried to go. Pumpkin glowered at me from his spot on the desk chair. I shifted until I was half lying, extinguished the lights and closed my eyes. Amber snuggled closer until her head was resting on my arm and her breath fluttered over my naked chest. Fuck. I should have thought of putting on a shirt before I came into the room. At least, I was on top of the covers. I moved the hand Amber was holding but she only tightened her grip. It felt good to have her at my side, even though I hated the reason for why I was here in the first place.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Amber

When I woke the next morning, I was alone in my bed, except for Pumpkin who was sleeping on his usual spot by my feet. I remembered how I’d been saved from my nightmares by Zach, how I’d asked him to stay with me and how good it had felt to fall asleep with my hand in his. I’d felt safe. I’d slept without nightmares after that. When had he left? I hadn’t even heard him move. The spot beside me was cold, so it must have happened a while ago. Why had he left? Maybe being torn from sleep by my pathetic cries had made him realize just how broken I was. What kind of guy would want a girlfriend that was haunted by nightmares from her past?

***

I walked into the kitchen, a bathrobe over my nightgown, to feed Pumpkin and to grab a bite for myself. Zach was sitting at the table.

“Don’t you have classes?” I asked, hovering near the door. Pumpkin tiptoed over to the spot where he was always fed.

Zach glanced up from his cereal bowl and smiled. “Not until later.” His lower lip was slightly swollen and there was a tiny cut that was already scabbing. Embarrassment washed over me as I realized that I had done this to him. No wonder he’d fled my room the moment I’d fallen asleep. Who’d want to be close to someone who acted like a lunatic? “Hey, are you okay?” Zach asked gently, getting up from his chair.

I nodded, then gazed up at Zach as he stopped in front of me, not touching my body. Was that because he’d changed his mind about me, about us, or because he still wasn’t sure if it would scare me? Everything was still new and tentative. “You weren’t there when I woke this morning.”

Surprise crossed Zach’s face. He reached for my hand and slowly pulled me closer. “You wanted me to stay with you? I didn’t want to startle you when you woke.”

He’d been worried about me. “I asked you to stay. It’s not like you snuck into my bed while I slept.” He grinned. I stood on my tiptoes and he leaned down, touching his lips to mine. He winced and pulled back a few inches, licking his lower lip.

“Does it still hurt?”

Zach shook his head. “It’s nothing, really. I’ve had far worse.”

I wanted to ask him if he could spend every night in my room. Last night with him at my side, I’d felt safe. I knew he couldn’t protect me from my nightmares, nobody could, but somehow his closeness had at least kept the horrors of my past at bay. But the words wouldn’t leave my mouth. I couldn’t ask him for something like that. It couldn’t have been comfortable for him sitting on top of the covers. Was I ready to really share a bed with somebody? I wasn’t so sure. Zach’s eyes darted toward the clock on the wall. “I should probably get my ass moving, or I’ll be late again.”

I took a step back. “Again?”

Zach shrugged. “So are you going to meet that girl Olivia again tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“I’ll drive you.” He gave me a quick kiss and rushed off toward his room.

Ten minutes later, I sat alone in the apartment. The silence pressed down on me. I had to find something to do during the day. If I wanted to start College next Spring I’d have to apply in the next few weeks. I wasn’t convinced I was ready for a room full of people yet, but applying couldn’t hurt. And in the meantime, I’d have to find a job. There had to be something I could do. I couldn’t hide in the apartment forever. If I really wanted to move on from the past and break free of its hold over me, I had to take control of every part of my life. Having a boyfriend was only a small part of it.

***

Olivia watched me over her cup of tea. “You seem happy.” Her cheeks looked even more hollow than last week, but according to our rules I wasn’t allowed to talk about weight or food and so I didn’t.

“I am happy. Being with Zach is something I never thought possible.”

She smiled but her eyes were distant. “I’m happy for you.”

“Are you okay?”

She set down her cup of tea. “Yeah, sorry. I just remembered how it felt to be in love. Well, at least I was in love. He on the other hand…” She trailed off.

I knew her old boyfriend was another no-go topic but she had kind of mentioned it. “Your ex-boyfriend. What happened?”

“He cheated on me,” she said slowly. “We’d been dating for a little over a year when I found out he’d been sleeping around.” She gave a helpless shrug. “Maybe it was my fault. Maybe he got sick of my problems. He never got why it was so hard for me to take control of my eating disorder. I guess he wanted a normal girl. Or maybe he couldn’t stand to look at my body anymore. Who knows?”

“Sorry, Olivia. You’ll find someone better.” Worry gnawed at me. Olivia’s boyfriend had cheated on her because of her issues. What if Zach did the same? I quickly banned the thought from my head. Zach had promised. We both wanted to give this relationship a chance. He wouldn’t do what Olivia’s boyfriend had done. But still…

“Now I ruined your evening,” Olivia said with a frown. “Are you worried about Zach?”

“Is it that obvious?”

“Well, you mentioned that he’s been with many girls before you, and my story wasn’t really happy. Just because my boyfriend was an asshole doesn’t mean you shouldn’t trust yours. From what you told me Zach seems to adore you, so other girls are probably very far from his mind.”

“Maybe, but Zach can’t even really touch me.”

“Most cheaters cheat even though their girlfriends sleep with them. Men always like to blame their infidelity on their frigid women but in truth, they are just horny assholes. A cheater cheats no matter what his girlfriend does.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “A pessimistic way of seeing things.”

“Yeah, I’m bitter. You shouldn’t listen to me. Let’s change the topic. There’s a reason why I banned my ex from our conversation. Nothing good every comes from being reminded of him.”

I nodded. “So, the latest episode of Game of Thrones. I can’t believe—” My ringing phone interrupted me. “Sorry,” I said as I pulled it out of my purse. It was Brian. I picked up. “Hi Brian, what’s up?”

“I’m going to pick you up from therapy.”

“It’s not therapy.” Olivia raised her eyebrows. ‘My brother’ I mouthed back at her. She rolled her eyes and I grinned, then Brian’s words registered. “Zach was supposed to pick me up.”

“Yeah, I know. He called me. His dad is in town and wants to meet him, so he asked me to jump in.”

“Oh, sure. See you then.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Brian hung up.

“Let’s go. We need to be there before my brother arrives. He’ll freak out if I’m not waiting for him. He constantly worries.”

We packed our things and strolled back to the hospital building. Brian’s car, an old Corolla, pulled up a couple of minutes later. He got out and jogged toward us, his eyes darting between Olivia and me. It was the first time he met her. Zach had picked me up the last two times. I introduced them. Olivia brushed a strand behind her ear and smiled shyly at my brother. Oh no. I needed to tell her next time I saw her that Brian had a girlfriend. “How was your talk session?” Brian asked, looking at Olivia.