Not Meant To Be Broken

She played with the hem of her nightgown. “I mean the girls you used to…go out with. I bet they didn’t have boring white panties.”

Did she think I’d been staring at her panties because I didn’t like them?

She met my gaze, questions in her eyes. “Why do you even want to be with me? Pity?”

I snorted. “Amber, I want to be with you because I like spending time with you and because you turn me on. I was staring at you because you’re sexy. I’m fucking hard for you. I don’t think I could be any harder if you wore lace or nothing.”

Her eyes widened, then darted toward my crotch and the proof that I hadn’t lied.

Zach, you fucking moron, now she’ll flee the room. But she didn’t. She slowly raised her head, biting her lower lip. “Oh.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Oh?”

She shrugged, then made a vague motion toward my erection. “I’m sorry. This must be frustrating for you.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll take a shower and take care of business.” I grinned at the sight of her blush darkening. I gave her a quick kiss, then swung my legs out of bed and hurried out of the room before I could pounce on Amber and lick every inch of her body.

In the bathroom I realized how much my clothes stank of smoke. Amber was a saint for putting up with me. When would she realize I was the lucky one, not her? I almost sighed in relief when I was out my clothes and stepped under the hot shower. My cock twitched when I grabbed it, calling up the image of Amber’s white panties, the outline of her folds, and started jerking off. After I’d come, I leaned against the shower stall and released a harsh breath. I’d never had to go without sex for a long period of time. This was the sweetest form of torture I could imagine. It hadn’t even been that long, but it probably felt that way because of the wait that lay ahead. I wondered how long it would take for the skin of my palm to become hard from jerking off so often. I laughed, then shook myself. Maybe I’d be better at controlling my dick if Amber didn’t sleep in my bed, half naked.

Amber

My skin flushed when I recalled the bulge in Zach’s pants. It was hard to believe that I’d done that to him with my simple white panties. Maybe I should have felt scared, but there was only a hint of nervousness mixed with excitement. Even with a drunk Zach at my side, I’d slept better than I ever could alone. I was bursting with energy and couldn’t sit still, so I was glad when Reagan came over after Zach had gone off to University in her jogging clothes. “Why don’t you join me?” she asked as she stepped into the apartment.

“Running?” I hadn’t exercised in years. I didn’t think I’d last for more than a few minutes. Back in junior high, I’d been on the track team. I’d loved it. I’d never felt freer than when I was flying over the track, pulse pounding in my veins and the sound of my shoes slapping the tartan in my ears.

“Brian mentioned that you used to be on the track team.”

I stared off toward the window. “Yeah. The day I was attacked I was out running a track through the forest. Usually my best friend was with me but that morning she didn’t feel well and instead of cancelling my run, I went off alone.”

Reagan’s face twisted with regret. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t want to bring bad memories back.”

My love for running was another thing those men had taken from me. Hatred kindled in me. Sometimes I wished I had a way of hurting them as they had hurt me. Sometimes I wondered how it would be to kill them. How it would be to hear them begging me only to laugh in their faces. I didn’t like that vicious, hateful part of me. Before the attack I wouldn’t have been capable of murder, now I wasn’t so sure. “Let me get changed.”

Surprise flashed across Reagan’s face as she followed me toward my room where I put on sweatpants and a t-shirt. I’d preferred to run in shorts like the one Reagan was wearing but I didn’t own any and I wasn’t sure I was comfortable with showing that much skin yet.

When we stepped outside into the fresh Fall air and started stretching, I said, “But go easy on me. I need to learn running again.” Just like I needed to learn living again, or letting people getting close. As we pounded the pavement at a leisurely pace, I could feel the familiar euphoria of running streaming through my body.

“So how’s it going with Zach?” Reagan asked, not even sweating yet, while I was already panting. I was so out of shape.

“Good, I think?” I said between gasps of breath. “We shared a bed last night.”

Reagan lost her footing and almost stumbled, but then she fell back into a trot beside me. “What?”

“He came home drunk last night and passed out, so I spent the night with him.”

“And?”

“It was nice. I love falling asleep beside Zach, and I love waking up beside him even more.”

“You’ve got it bad,” Reagan said with a grin.

There was no use denying it. I was falling for Zach scarily fast. I’d been depraved of emotion and physical contact for three years and now I felt like I needed to make up for it.

“Promise me to be careful.”

I threw her a confused look.

“Just don’t think that Zach’s the only one who can make you feel that way. If things between you two don’t work out, there are many other guys out there who’d be lucky to be with you.” She stopped and I was glad for it because my heart felt like it was going to jump through my ribcage. We started stretching again. “Kevin is my second boyfriend. When my first love broke up with me, I thought I’d die. I thought I could never love someone again. But then I met Kevin and we’re so much better together than I was with my first boyfriend.”

I nodded, but I didn’t want to think about Zach and I splitting up. I knew it was a possibility at some point, but right now I needed to believe that the feelings he gave me would last forever.

***

The next morning Brian told me that he would bring Lauren for dinner. I was glad that he’d finally decided to introduce her to me. He’d probably realized that I wasn’t bothered by relationships all that much if I could date Zach.

I decided to cook something special and bought everything for my favorite fish curry as well as mango chutney, cucumber raita and naan bread. I was chopping and humming when Zach stepped in, holding up the new season of Game of Thrones that had appeared on DVD today. Pumpkin hopped off the chair he’d been napping on and began rubbing his body against Zach’s legs. Zach bent down and patted my cat’s back. “That smells delicious,” he said, taking a whiff as he walked up to me and pressed a gentle kiss against the crook of my neck. I leaned back against him and tilted my head all the way back until our lips could meet. “I thought we could have a DVD marathon tonight?” He dipped a finger into the mango chutney and I swatted him away. “Stop. Lauren is coming for dinner. I don’t think she’ll be happy if she finds out you had your finger in her food.”

Zach grimaced. “That girl is never happy unless everyone around her is miserable. I bet my father would love her.”

Deciding this was the best chance I got, I said, “What did your father say yesterday that made you go out and get drunk?”

“He thinks I’m not taking law school and life in general seriously enough. He wants me to get my ass in gear so I can finally join him in the family business. But I’m used to that by now.” He shrugged. “What made me want to go out and drink was that his fucking affair arrived at the end of our dinner, so he could take her to a hotel and fuck her.”

My eyes widened. “Your father’s cheating openly on your mother?”

“For years. He doesn’t even try to hide it. My mother tries to pretend it’s not happening and drowns her sorrows in alcohol.”

“Like you do.” It slipped out before I could stop it. “Sorry.”

He shook his head. “No, you’re right. Whenever I’m pissed at my father, I end up at a club getting shit-faced.” He nodded toward the array of ingredients. “Is there something I can do?”

“Do you know how to bone fish?”