Not Meant To Be Broken

“Hi Dad,” I said.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine.” I could hear him release a breath. “I wanted to talk to you about Thanksgiving.”

“You’re coming home?”

“Yes, and I want to bring Zach.”

There was a pause on the other end. “Are you still dating?”

“Don’t tell me Brian isn’t giving you daily updates.”

Dad coughed. “Well, it occasionally comes up in our conversation.”

“It’s probably the only thing you talk about.”

“Not the only thing,” Dad said. “We’re both just worried about you. And to be honest, it’s difficult for me to imagine. You changed so much since I last saw you, I can already tell from talking to you on the phone.”

“Zach helps me. Living here helps me. So is it okay if I bring him?”

“Sure. I want a word with him anyway.”

“Oh no, Dad. Brian’s made Zach’s life hell for dating me. Promise you won’t do the same.”

“I can’t promise that. But I’ll do my best not to embarrass you.” I could hear a smile in his voice. God, I couldn’t remember the last time Dad had sounded so much like the old-Dad from before. I wasn’t the only one who’d been changed by the incident. Brian’s and Dad’s lives had been turned upside down as well. “Will Aunt Lynn and Uncle Barry come as well?”

“Actually, we’ll celebrate at their house because you can’t really cook this Thanksgiving. Lynn is going to make dinner for us this year.”

“Oh, right. I didn’t even think about it.” In the last few years, I’d prepared our Thanksgiving meals. Cooking had been pretty much the only thing that had given me some sliver of joy, but of course I wouldn’t be able to do it this year unless I arrived a few days early. I couldn’t expect Zach to stay with my dad for so long. What if they didn’t get along?

“I miss you, sweetheart. I’m counting the days until Thanksgiving.”

“I miss you too, Dad.”

After we’d hung up, I smiled. I wanted Dad to see how far I’d come. He’d always wanted a normal life for me, and I was getting closer to that goal every day.

“You look happy,” Zach said, leaning in the doorway to the kitchen.

“I am happy.” He advanced on me, then leaned close. “Maybe we can schedule a repeat performance of this morning?”

I blushed, but my body responded with a flood of tingling between my legs. I peered at the clock. “I’m meeting Reagan for a run in thirty minutes.”

Zach pouted playfully. I laughed. “Maybe later then?” he said in a low voice that made my legs go weak. “Later,” I promised.

***

I couldn’t stop thinking about this morning even as Reagan and I jogged through the neighborhood. I would have never thought something could feel this good. Zach’s mouth and tongue had made me forget everything. There had been no room for horrible memories. I couldn’t believe I was even capable of being this…aroused. The word alone seemed wrong when it came to me. I couldn’t wait to let Zach do it again. I knew this didn’t mean the past wouldn’t come crashing back down on me again. It always did, always would. After what I had gone through, it couldn’t be any other way, but it was slowly pushed to the back of my mind.

“I don’t know what’s going on but you’re positively glowing,” Reagan said as we paused to catch our breath. “I guess it has something to do with Zach.”

A blush crept up my cheeks. “Yeah.” I avoided her gaze. I wanted to talk to her about these things, but I didn’t even know where to begin. And did people even talk about that stuff? The friends I’d had before the incident had talked to me about everything, but back then everything had meant only kissing and the occasional boob grab. This was something else entirely.

“Oh, oh. That expression. I need details. What did lover boy do?”

I nodded toward the general direction of my vagina. Reagan smirked. “He touched you there?”

I shook my head and Reagan grinned. “Oh, boy. He went down on you, right?”

I pressed my lips together to stop myself from letting out a ridiculous giggle.

“That good, hm?” she whispered. My skin burned with embarrassment as I nodded. Reagan leaned against a tree. “There’s nothing better than a guy who knows how to do it right. And I assume Zach’s one of them.”

“He is.” That’s what I assumed at least. It wasn’t as if I had anything to compare his skills to. Nobody had ever gone down on me. A flicker of the past shoved itself into my mind. A hand ripping my panties, gripping me cruelly, but I forced the memory out of my head and focused on my most recent experiences. Zach. His tenderness. “I can’t believe how good it felt.”

Reagan bit her lips impishly. “And did you return the favor?”

My face fell. “No. I haven’t even really touched him yet.”

“Oh, that’s okay.” She tilted her head in consideration. “Are you scared?”

I thought about it. I wasn’t really scared about touching Zach’s erection. “I don’t think so. It’s just intimidating. But I think I want to touch him.”

“Have you seen him yet?”

“Yeah.”

“And?”

I frowned. “Everything about Zach is gorgeous.” God, had I just said that?

Reagan burst out laughing but not in a mean way. “And big I bet.” She grimaced. “Is that what you’re worried about?”

“You mean am I worried that it’s going to hurt when Zach and I ever sleep together?” I shook my head. “I’m not worried about pain. Not anymore.” It wasn’t as if I was a virgin, and nothing could possibly hurt as much as what those men had done to me. Pain was nothing I still feared. What terrified me was the idea that sleeping with Zach, or even just touching his erection would always evoke memories of that day. What if there was an end to how much I could change? What if there would eventually be a wall I couldn’t break down? “I want to touch Zach. I really do. But I’d probably disappoint him.”

“Nonsense. Zach will be thrilled, believe me. And I’m sure he can tell you what he likes. I don’t think he’s shy about these things.”

“No, he definitely isn’t.” I paused, then gathered my courage. “Do you go down on Kevin?”

Reagan nodded without hesitation. “Yeah, I love giving him head.”

“Really? Don’t you think it’s degrading?”