The Christmas Blanket

I was not supposed to get stuck in a cabin with my ex-husband, and I was certainly not supposed to sleep with him.

He’d ruined everything.

And now, I had a new longing in my gut, one I hadn’t felt in so long that I truly thought I was over him. Over us.

But had I really ever lost it?

Or was I just trying to deny its existence, to pretend I was okay for the sake of moving on?

My thoughts whirled in a vicious storm all morning like that, tossing me in waves between anger and sorrow until I felt nothing but washed up and shredded.

River dragged himself inside somewhere around one, shaking the snow off him as best he could on the porch before he came inside. A little trail of cigarette smoke followed him in, and he stripped off his hat and coat, hanging them by the fire before his gaze finally found me.

“Sidewalk’s clear, and I dug your car out, too. Skidder just came through with his snowplow. It’s not as big or as good as the city ones, but it’ll be a while before they make it out here.” River looked out the window. “Anyway, he’s got some crew coming behind him with sand to try to keep the roads drivable, at least for a while. So, you should be good to go.”

His eyes met mine briefly, and then he stalked over to the kitchen, pouring himself a finger of whiskey and throwing it back.

My rib cage shrank three sizes, the pressure so vicious on my lungs that I nearly keeled over. But instead, I crossed my arms over my chest to soothe it as much as I could, walking into the kitchen and leaning a hip against the counter.

I don’t want to go.

I can’t stay.

Last night didn’t mean anything.

Last night meant everything.

I don’t know what to do.

Please, tell me what to do.

“River…” I said, and he braced his hands on the counter before looking sideways at where I stood.

His eyes were bloodshot and glossy, and just one look from him stole any words I might have had forming.

“Come on,” he said, standing. “You get your coat. I’ll get your bag.”

I hated how silent we were as I packed up what little I’d taken out of my bag, mostly toiletries and the clothes we’d littered the floor with last night. I hated even more the way Moose whimpered at my feet when I was pulling on my coat, as if he knew that I was leaving.

As if he knew that this time, I wasn’t coming back.

“I love you, Moosey boy,” I said, kneeling down to put my forehead against his. He licked at my face when I gave him a kiss, and I fought back the tears when I stood again. “You be good.”

River had his hands in his pockets, but he withdrew them once I’d said my goodbyes to Moose, grabbing my suitcase. We walked outside in silence, and he helped me get my bag into the rental, and then we stood there by the driver door.

“Thank you,” I finally managed. “For taking me in. I…” I smiled, trying to lighten things. “I hope I wasn’t too much of a pest.”

River winced at my words, shaking his head and looking down the road as he swallowed. “I’m going to follow you,” he said. “Just to make sure you make it alright.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“I know.”

I tried again for a joke. “You know, if you had a phone, I could just text you and let you know I’d made it.”

He tried to smile, but it fell flat. “Alright, well. Take care, Eliza,” he said, and then he turned his back on me before I had the chance to say anything in return.

I stood there and watched him go, watched him hop into his truck and fire the engine to life, letting it idle as he waited for me to get in and lead the way. My chest was on fire, tears pricking my eyes. I’d already said goodbye to that man once.

I never imagined I’d have to do it again.

I never imagined it’d hurt worse the second time around.

Before a single tear could fall, I slipped into my car, the engine groaning a little as I fired it up. As I checked my mirrors, my eyes caught River’s in the rearview.

Just forty-eight hours ago, I knew exactly who I was.

I knew what my plan was, where my life was leading, what I’d see and do and explore next. I knew where I’d been, and most importantly, I knew where I was going.

But then a blizzard had blown in unexpectedly, flipping everything upside down.

And now, I felt more lost than ever before.All month long, I’d dreamed of the pumpkin pie that now sat on a beautiful, gold-trimmed china saucer in my lap.