Wrong For Me

It hasn’t even been that long, yet everything is different.

Havannah has been too busy with school and whatever the hell else to take a minute to call me back. All I’ve gotten is a quick text, saying she’s so sorry and that she misses me. She didn’t even respond when I replied. Rowan hasn’t come over for our habitual movie-and-wing night. Alec and I haven’t … anything.

I got used to having him here for simple things.

We’d make dinner and watch TV before both quietly ending up in our own rooms, alone. Me with my thoughts and him with his own.

Mine were always on him. Whether it was the way he’d moved in the gym or the things he’d said. Sometimes, it was simply his eyes I’d see when I closed mine. He snuck inside me quicker than I’d realized until he consumed every part of me. Then, right when he robbed me of that last little piece I had been holding on to, he dropped me in a pit, and he threw a match.

None of it makes sense. My father trusted him, which tells me he has to be a good man.

It’s no secret, when it comes to women, even the best of men can make the worst decisions.

It’s a strange dynamic, one with no absolute answer.

If a married man leaves his wife for another woman, which woman was the right one and which was the wrong? And who decides? Either way, one’s a thief, and the other is a capturer, one steals while the other holds him prisoner.

Not that Alec is a prisoner. If she knows he was sent home to watch over me, then he trusts her enough to tell her, and the Alec I know doesn’t trust many. I guess I’ve pushed the thoughts aside, but it’s time to face the fact that she’s important to him.

She was right; her bitch point has been proven.

I could have him, sure … but clearly, I couldn’t keep him.

And his body would never be enough, not when, if I’m honest, I want it all.

I close my eyes and sink into the cushions, telling myself, eventually, everything will be okay, and not believing it for a second.Alec“How hard are you fighting yourself to stay where you are?”

I frown at the ceiling, not turning toward Marissa, who is lying beside me.

“Admit it,” she whispers. “You care for the pawn.”

“I care if she slips off and disappears, yeah. With the way shit’s been, I wouldn’t put it past her to try.”

Marissa pops up, her eyes infuriated. “You can’t fail.”

I keep my face blank. “I know.”

“Fix it, dear husband. The clock is ticking, and I’m ready to take you home.”

“It’s almost over. Then, everything will be how it should be.” My eyes bounce between hers. “That’s a promise.”Chapter Twenty-SixOakleyIt’s Tuesday, and my fifth week back at school now. It’s getting harder to wake up in the mornings. People say things will get easier over time, but it seems, in my case, it’s the opposite. Every day drags on longer than the last. I used to live and breathe the academy, but lately, I’ve been forcing myself to do everything. My body is heavy and uncooperative, my mind overworked and understimulated.

Two weeks ago, when Alec came in from searching for me and found Marissa and me in the kitchen, it replays in my head over and over again. It was the first time I had to visually watch him choose her.

I haven’t spoken a word to Alec since.

He didn’t come to me that night or the next day to ask where I had been or who I had been with. He didn’t fight me for answers he didn’t deserve but usually wanted anyway. He said nothing at all. So, I picked up on his silence and gave it right back. Only he expected to move past whatever it was that had him holding his tongue that next day by attempting a purposeless conversation, and I wasn’t interested.

I come to work, in my own car, which he tails with his, and we walk in together, but I never say a word. He tries. Every day, he tries to get me to interact somehow, but I don’t, not even in class with our students. When we speak in there, it’s to them, not each other.

Unfortunately, it’s created an asshole. He yells and shouts more than ever, and demands almost unattainable perfection from the group. I don’t step in and challenge him because it seems the recruits are more than willing to reach for what he’s asking of them. It’s almost turned out to be a huge push for them.

The last two days though, he’s seemed run-down, completely spent. Makes me sick to think of reasons that could be adding to that.

I can’t not notice how he’s been sulking a little more lately.