Leave Me Breathless

God, anyone would think we’re never going to see each other again. Get off me, you soppy twat.

Then she kissed me and tugged my hair before she danced off across the street.

I turn off my iPad and drag my heavy body up from the couch, suddenly so very tired. When I get to the bathroom, I pull off Ryan’s sweater, take off my clothes, and put the sweater back on. After brushing my teeth, I collect my clothes from the floor and dump them in the washing basket.

Then I fall into bed in a heap and roll onto my side, bringing the cuffs of Ryan’s sweater to my nose and inhaling his lingering scent, feeling so very lonely again.

My heart sinks when the heavens open and rain starts to pound on the windscreen of the cab. There’s no way my sister will take Mum out in the rain. She might not take her out if it stops, either, especially if the sky is still dark. She won’t risk Mum catching a cold when her immune system isn’t good. I rest my head on the window, my despondency painful. Each week between seeing them feels like a century. Two weeks will feel like forever if I miss them today.

As we drive down the main street in Grange, my mobile rings and I answer on an over-the-top chirpy ‘Hi’ to Molly.

‘I popped by the shop to check you’re all set for tomorrow, but you’re not here.’ She sounds a little stressed; the organization and preparing for tomorrow’s celebrations are taking their toll.

I feel a little guilt sweep in and sting me. ‘I’m on my way to Grange to pick up some last-minute bits.’ My lie is too easy to tell. ‘I need a few more canvases for the kids’ painting competition.’

‘I thought you said there were enough?’

I did. There are enough. Molly was with me in the shop earlier this week when we were going through the final schedule and plans for the fete. ‘I must have been having a brain fart day,’ I say lamely.

She hums, and it’s light. Suspicious. ‘Or being distracted by a certain outdoorsy type.’

‘And that,’ I admit, unabashed. My relationship with Ryan is no secret in town. In fact, it’s caused quite a stir. It’s something to talk about in a place where there’s never anything to talk about. ‘I’ll be back in a few hours to help with the setting up.’

‘Okay,’ Molly says. ‘See you soon.’

I notice the windscreen wipers have stopped and look up to the sky, seeing the black clouds moving rapidly away. Oh thank you, God.

The driver rolls to a stop and I jump out, paying him when he lets his window down. I turn and scan the entrance of the park and then quickly check the time. I’m early.

I make my way through the open ornate gate and down the path to my usual spot – a bench set back from the lake between two trees. From here I can see my sister push Mum in her chair the whole way around. I take a seat and look up to the sky, smiling when I see that the black clouds are no longer hanging over me, and then set my eyes on the entrance across the lake.

Each minute that passes feels like an hour as I wait for them to appear. I watch as dog walkers and runners pass, and across the plains a guy in army gear barks orders to a group of people in fitness gear doing push-ups. Where are they? I get up, I sit back down, and my disappointment starts to hurt my heart. I wait some more, because what else can I do? Give up? Leave? What if they’re running late? What if I miss them?

I remain on the bench, sadness my only company, my aching heart heavy in my chest. By ten fifty, I’ve lost the ability to hold back my tears. I feel so empty. As I brush at my cheeks with the back of my hand, my phone rings, and I feel terrible for wanting to reject Ryan’s call. After last night combined with how I’m feeling now, I can’t talk to him. Can’t force any happiness into my voice. My thumb hovers over the red button, and I close my eyes, pushing down. ‘I’m sorry,’ I say to my phone, rising to my feet.

I take one more look around the park before forcing my dead muscles to life, walking back to the path, feeling so very heavy. I stop when Ryan calls again, but I let it ring off and find myself rolling my shoulders without thought, feeling the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I look back down the pathway, a sense of unease coming over me.

The black clouds are back, rolling through the sky violently, the wind whipping up and sending leaves swirling around my feet. I fold my arms across my chest, looking around the park. It’s suddenly quiet, everyone retreating as a result of the threatening storm.