Leave Me Breathless

I cough on a sob, throwing my arms around him and clinging on like he is life. Like he can save me from my torment.

He can.

He will.

And I need to find the strength I’ve lost to continue to save myself.

I’m quiet as Ryan drives us back to town. With the fete still in full swing, he has to take the alley that runs parallel to the shops to get us to the other end of the street.

‘I should go back,’ I say uncertainly, my sense of responsibility taking over. ‘The kids will be finishing their paintings by now. I’ll have to oversee the judging.’

Ryan pulls up outside the gate to the courtyard of my shop. ‘You’re not going back,’ he tells me with enough assertiveness to make me think twice about protesting. ‘I need to lock up your shop.’ He unclips his belt and then mine, his way of telling me I should go, too. I don’t argue. I’m not leaving his side, and Ryan seems okay with that. He collects me from the passenger side and leads me through the gate into the kitchen. ‘Do you need anything while we’re here?’ he asks, going through to the shop and securing the front door.

I shake my head, though he can’t see it as he checks out onto the street. ‘No,’ I confirm when he comes back to me, claiming my hand again. He proceeds to check every window in my shop and apartment with me in tow, silently being led by him. When we arrive in my bedroom, he scans the mess I left behind, and I sense his anger through the flexing of his hand. I remain quiet, watching him, and after doing a full sweep of my place, he takes me back downstairs and locks the back door behind us before putting me back in his truck.

As he pulls away, he makes a call, and a second later Alex’s voice is filling the cab.

‘I won the pageant!’ she declares. ‘Where are you?’

‘Of course you won.’ Ryan releases a small smile, and a horrible guilty feeling swoops through my tired body. ‘Hannah’s not feeling too good. I’m taking her back to the cabin to rest up.’

‘Again?’ she asks, and I close my eyes, hating that I’m forcing him to lie to his daughter. Ryan should have been there to see her win. Instead, he was chasing me down. Will she hold it against me?

‘You know I wouldn’t bail unless it was really important, Cabbage.’

She’s silent for a few seconds, obviously pondering the soft serious tone of her dad’s voice. ‘Is she going to be okay?’

Ryan takes my hand again and places it in his lap. ‘She’s going to be fine because I’m going to make sure of it.’ He flicks his gaze my way, his face straight, but his eyes are promising me. I squeeze his hand in acknowledgment. ‘Will you do me a favour?’ he asks, returning his attention forward.

‘Sure,’ Alex chirps.

‘Will you make sure the painting competition is taken care of?’

‘Of cour . . . wait. Does that mean I can’t win?’

For the first time in what feels like years, I crack a smile. ‘You’ve already won in my eyes, Alex.’

‘Hey,’ she chirps, sounding pleased to hear me. ‘Guess what?’

‘What?’

‘Mum said my painting was the best of them all, so actually it doesn’t matter if I don’t win.’

I look at Ryan and find him smiling at the road. ‘Then she’s obviously got a good eye for good art,’ I say, feeling so warm inside.

‘Will you let Molly know Hannah’s gone home?’ Ryan asks.

‘Sure!’

‘Call you in the morning, okay?’

‘Okay. Must dash. I have a competition to fix.’ She chuckles but quickly stops. ‘Wait. You said home.’

‘What?’ Ryan questions, his forehead creasing. I purse my lips. She doesn’t miss a trick.

‘You said, Hannah’s gone home but she hasn’t. She’s going back to the cabin.’

‘Did I?’

‘Yes, you did.’

‘Slip of the tongue.’ He looks at me out the corner of his eye, checking for my reaction. ‘Speak tomorrow.’

‘Yes, we will.’ She hangs up with that threat hanging in the air. ‘Kids,’ Ryan mutters, pulling out at the top of the high street and driving away from town.

The rest of the short ride is silent, and although it isn’t uncomfortable, it does give me thinking space to wonder, What now? We’ll have to talk. I don’t know if I’m up for that at the moment. All I want to do is curl up in Ryan’s arms and return to my new tranquil world. But I know that isn’t going to happen just yet. To get to that place again, I need to face my demons head-on. And most important, I need Ryan to understand.

He parks under the willow tree and collects my bag before collecting me. Just being here in his space offers me a little reprieve from my turbulence.