Leave Me Breathless

‘Hannah!’ Ryan yells, and I seek him out, my body naturally leaning back to maintain momentum as I sail toward him. ‘Higher?’ he calls, jumping to claim my feet and using them as anchors to push me.

‘Higher!’ I yell on a laugh, his face coming close before he’s fading away again, sending me up into the clouds. I’m exposed to the elements, but I’ve never felt so shielded from the world. Hidden. Safe.

I could do this all day, lose myself in this incredible feeling of uninhibitedness, but I start to lose momentum, and Ryan steps back, letting me swing freely until I eventually slow to a stop. My face must say it all. I’m slightly breathless, yet completely invigorated. Windswept and disheveled, and completely unbothered by it.

I let Ryan unclaw my hands from the ropes and pull me up to my bare feet, walking me away from the swing. He’s quiet as he pushes some strands of hair from my face, carefully and meticulously fixing me. His expression is thoughtful, his task executed as if he has all the time in the world. ‘How was it?’ he eventually says, kissing my cheek gently.

There is only one word that comes to mind. Healing. It seems a little outlandish to say it. So I don’t. ‘Wonderful,’ I murmur, and his thoughtfulness transforms into satisfaction as his hands still in my hair. The space between us shrinks to nothing, our lips brush . . . and a cough.

I drop my head so Ryan’s mouth slides onto my cheekbone, and he laughs lightly into my skin. ‘Your turn, Alex.’

I look back over my shoulder and see she’s planted herself on the seat of the swing, hanging freely as she watches us, a small smile on her face. ‘I have to go,’ she says, jumping up. She turns, saying no more, and strides off toward the pathway back to the cabin.

I feel Ryan tense, and I look up at him as he releases me, going after her. My heart drops a little, feeling so guilty for making her feel like she has to leave. ‘Cabbage, wait,’ Ryan calls, picking up his pace.

‘I’ll be late.’ She waves a hand flippantly in the air without turning back, carrying on her way. Oh God, is she crying? ‘Have fun, you two.’

Oh no. I can’t be an obstacle in between her and her father, and that’s exactly what I am right now. I feel terrible, and as I glance over to Ryan, I can see he does, too. We shouldn’t have been so openly affectionate – shouldn’t have pushed this in her face. We should have been more considerate. I need to fix this. ‘Alex,’ I call, making chase. I pass Ryan and catch up with her, bracing myself for the worst, but when she turns to face me, there are no tears. In fact, she’s smiling, and the sight has me withdrawing, taken aback.

‘What?’ she asks. ‘I’m fine.’

I stare at her, stuck for words. Is this a typical case of I’m fine but I’m not fine? On the outside she’s all sunshine and smiles, but on the inside is she thunder and sadness? Crap, I don’t know. ‘I feel like I’ve invaded your territory,’ I admit, wondering if I should be speaking so frankly to her. She has to me, so I guess I should adopt the same approach. ‘I’d rather you didn’t leave, Alex. I’ll go.’

She shakes her head, and I find myself mirroring her, my head moving slowly from side to side, too. ‘But I want you to stay.’

‘Then you stay, too. I’ll feel better if you stay, too.’

‘I’m hanging out with my cousin tonight before she goes back to Singapore.’

Oh? I look back to find Ryan, and I see he’s relaxed now. ‘I forgot,’ he says, holding up his phone. ‘Her mum’s here to pick her up.’ He backs off, leaving me and Alex alone.

‘Hannah.’ Alex tugs on my hand, and I face her again.

‘You fixed this up,’ I say, realising in this moment what’s happening. She dips and collects her baseball cap from where she lost it earlier, putting it on back-to-front.

‘I don’t like it when he’s on his own.’ She gives me an impish grin. ‘So look after him.’

‘What?’ I blurt, recoiling. ‘Look after your six-foot-three-inch ex-MI5 dad?’

‘MI5?’ she parrots. ‘What’s that?’

‘Shit.’ I slap my hand over my big mouth and kick myself to the other side of the lake and back again.

Alex starts laughing. ‘Cool it, Hannah. I know what he did.’

‘You do?’

‘Sure. He protected people.’ Pivoting, she dances off through the overgrowth, all happy, leaving me standing like a loose part alone.

Ryan protects people. That’s his job. Or was his job. Is it instinct, too? ‘Alex!’ I shout, pulling her escape to a halt. I wait until she’s facing me before I speak, if only so she can see the sincerity in me. ‘Thank you.’ She knows I don’t mean for this. For now. I mean for her acceptance.