Dare To Love Again

I’d found the therapist online since that was the only way I could be sure that my mother wouldn’t find out about her, but I knew it was something I had to do for my son. I needed, wanted to be whole for him. Something I was never able to give his dad. Now I tore the tissue Rebecca gave me to shreds in my nervous hands as all the horrible things my mother could do to this family came to mind. I think I’m going to throw up.

I finally looked at Rebecca and was sure she could see the helplessness in my eyes. But still, the words wouldn’t come. I could never share that shame with anyone, especially not Calen or anyone associated with him. I can’t ever let him know how weak I am, how pathetic my life has been. He’d had such a joyful upbringing. His parents’ home was covered with the images that were proof of that.

I’d always get a melancholic jolt whenever I looked at one of those photos that lined the walls of their hallway. Each caption showed a laughing, smiling Calen in differing stages of his life, ending with a full portrait of him and I on our wedding day. My childhood home had been so bare of such images that I’d started to forget what my dad looked like.

“Come on; I hear the boys coming back in. The groceries should be delivered soon, and you look like you could use a rest.” No way. I can’t rest while Calen has my son. What if he snatches him away while I’m asleep? My eyes flew to the door where I could hear the sound of Calen’s voice coming from beyond as he talked to our son.

I got to my feet when she did, and we both headed for the door, she with more confidence than I felt. She’s right that I needed to rest. Although I’d fallen asleep easily enough the night before, for the first time in fact, since I felt so safe with Calen there. But it was also because of him that I’d awakened in the middle of the night and laid awake into the wee morning hours just staring at the ceiling.

I felt some of my panic disappear at the sight of the two of them and smiled when my son reached for me. I was beginning to think he’d forgotten about me. Calen looked as if he wasn’t willing to pass the baby back to me, and there was an odd silence for a few seconds as I stood close to him for the first time. He finally relented, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

“I think he’s ready for a nap. I had the staff set something up until the rest of the stuff for the nursery gets here later.”

“I don’t think the things you ordered will be here today; it’s already almost closing hours. Maybe we should…”

“No! My son is never sleeping anywhere but under my roof from now on. You may leave, though, if that’s what you prefer.”* * *CALEN* * *I ignored the look of hurt in her eyes and just turned away. Mom’s words have been plaguing me for the last half an hour, and my mind has been playing around with the idea of ‘what if.’ It doesn’t matter, though; I keep telling myself. There can be no reason, no excuse for my ex to have done the things she did. So no matter how much I felt that she indeed didn’t look nor act like a gold-digging piece of shit, I still can’t trust her, and what’s more, I don’t want to.

I’m not about to soften in front of her, and I for damn sure won’t be showing any weakness in Rebecca’s presence. My dear mother has shown whose side she’s on in this fight, and I won’t put it past her to scent blood in the water and move in for the kill. As it is, she was rolling her eyes at me because of my last dig.

“Calen, why don’t we have the staff show them both to the nursery, and you and I can have a talk over a coffee.”

“I’m not thirsty.” Her look made me feel like a recalcitrant teen again, and I went off to do her bidding, damn tyrant.

She followed me from the room and lit into me as soon as I’d sent the housekeeper off to show my son and his mother to the nursery. The room so far only had a little portable sleeper, which I’d been told would do in a snap until his furniture arrived.

I plan on having the furniture that my dad and I had used as kids sent here as soon as it has been cleaned and reinforced to make sure of its safety. The things I’d bought today were just little things I was told would be needed since the furniture dad, and I had used as kids hadn’t been updated since the early eighteen hundreds, but was always given a good once over before each use.