Dare To Love Again

“She’s not my wife!” The poor woman’s face fell, and she looked embarrassed, but I didn’t have it in me to care. People shouldn’t make assumptions. The incubator that had carried my seed for nine months did that thing where it looks like she’s caving in on herself or trying to disappear from view. She used to do that shit when she felt threatened or out of her depth.

I’d spent many an hour in the past fucking her out of that shit; now I could care less if she melted into the flooring. I left her standing there and carried on with my shopping. I already had someone lined up to kit out his nursery, so this stuff was just for now. I could either send this to my mom’s when I no longer need it or give it to charity since I’m sure she’s gonna want to set up a nursery of her own.

I haven’t told her about my son yet, just that I had something very important to discuss with her. She’s meeting us back at the house in a couple of hours, which should be all the time I need to be here. Giselle wasn’t saying much of anything since I’d clipped her wings by telling the lady that she wasn’t my woman. She was still looking hurt and morose, but what the fuck did she expect?

She can’t seriously think that I’m going to play house and pretend to be a happy family with her. Been there, done that, and have the scars on my heart to prove it. She’d be lucky after my lawyer is done with her to get visitation of any kind. He’s already talking parental alienation and all the other shit that she’d done.

I’d chosen this particular lawyer for the case because I knew that he himself had gone through a horrible divorce a few years back and had been emasculated by his cheating slag of a wife. Now he scents blood in the water whenever one of these cases comes across his desk and goes after the female involved with the intent to decimate.GiselleI feel a sudden chill each time Calen’s eyes touch me no matter how fleeting. I never knew how awful it would feel to be left out like this until he so bluntly told the sales clerk that I was not his wife, in essence, saying that I was not part of the bond that was he and our son. That pain was as harsh as a folded fist to the jaw.

Now I feel exposed and foolish as I follow him around the store being ignored by all. I had no say in anything, and it was as if he was the one who had the experience raising a child since almost everything he chose would’ve been my first choice as well. I started to feel jealous since ever since that first look from my son, my little boy had clung to his daddy, and it was as if I no longer existed.

I know that I’m being silly, that my child hasn’t forgotten me in one day, but it still hurts the ease with which he’d taken to his dad. I can’t really fault my little guy, though. Hadn’t I done pretty much the same when Calen and I first met? I guess it’s true what they say about some men having the power to charm women and babies.

This would’ve been ideal, of course, if his dad and I were still together, but with the situation being what it is, I can’t help but be uneasy. The way Calen is acting, I’m sure that he hates me, which makes me doubly sure that he would try to keep me out of my son’s life.

Just the thought brought me close to panic, and I had to keep reminding myself that the baby was still breastfeeding, and it would be horrendous to take that away from him. And since Calen only wants what’s best for his son, he’d never do that to him. That didn’t help ease my fears for long, though, especially when Calen picked up a book from the little book area titled, How to rock it as a single father. I thought I was going to die.

I barely withheld the scream that has been building up inside me since the day before. I’m afraid that if I release even so much as a peep, it’ll go on and on forever. It’s so unfair. Life has never been kind to me now that I think about it. Not from the time I was too little to have done anything to deserve the hand that I’ve been dealt.

Right on the heels of that thought came the reminder that this time maybe I did deserve what I was getting. Of everything that I had suffered in my life, nothing beats what I had done to Calen, and all the reasons and excuses in the world won’t ever change that. There’s no justification for keeping his child away from him, even if at the time I saw no other way and was given no real choice in the matter.