Sexy Beast

‘I guess you’ll have to marry me now, and in a hurry too, won’t you?’

‘Is that your idea of a proposal, BJ Pilkington?’

‘No, I’ll do a proper job, later, when I’m between your legs.’

‘Oh my!’

‘Come on. Let’s get out of here.’

‘Yes, lets,’ I say drunk with love. Unable to believe where my day has ended. I was worried about telling Jake about BJ and telling BJ about the baby. And now everything has just fallen into place in the most extraordinary way. I know Jake will come around. BJ is happy about the baby. And everything is just so, so, so perfect.

TWENTY-SIX

Layla

It is 8:00 by the time I make it to Jake’s house. All the lights are on and in one of the upstairs windows I can see the silhouette of Lily’s grandmother cradling my niece in her arms. Anxiously, I go in through the kitchen hoping to meet my mother first. Shane is sitting with his legs up on a chair and eating a strawberry trifle.

‘Hey, Bear,’ he says, licking the spoon.

‘Good you are in time for dinner,’ Ma says, not looking up from chopping vegetables.

‘How come he gets to eat dessert before dinner?’ I ask.

‘Because I’m not staying for dinner,’ Shane says.

‘Shane, I need to talk to Ma,’ I tell him pointedly.

‘Don’t mind me,’ he says, not moving from his chair.

My mother looks up. ‘What do you want to tell your old mother? That you’ve got a man.’

I stare at her shocked. ‘Yes, how did you know?’

‘Do you think I’m stupid, Layla?’

‘I’ll be damned,’ Shane says, grinning and slapping his thigh. ‘Who’s the poor sod?’

‘Of course, I know,’ my mother says. ‘You’ve been walking around with your head in the clouds for at least a month now. So I checked with Queenie and she told me he is a good boy. One of ours. And I have been patiently waiting for you to tell me all about it. Sit down then.’

Bemused and pleasantly surprised at how easy all of this is turning out to be, I sit down and tell them that it’s BJ.

‘What? BJ!’ Shane exclaims with a frown. ‘Shit, Layla, he must be the worst man-whore in all of England and Scotland.’

‘You’re a fine one to talk,’ I snap my brother, glancing worriedly at my mother.

But my mother is not worried at all. ‘Billy Joe is a good lad,’ she defends. ‘He’ll be good to you. He’s always had a soft spot for you.’

‘You knew he had a soft spot for me?’ I ask dazed.

‘Of course. You could see it a mile off. He used to stare so intently at you in church I thought his eyes would pop out.’

I grin. The way my mother exaggerates anyone would think I was some great beauty. ‘Really?’

‘Him and half the boys in the congregation,’ Shane adds.

‘Yes, poor Jake always had his hands full giving them all dirty looks,’ my mother says.

‘So you think I made a good choice?’ I ask my mother happily.

‘I fucking don’t,’ Shane says.

But Ma is unshakeable in her convictions. ‘I do. But it’s Jake you’ll have to convince. He’s in the library. Go on and talk to him before dinner.’

‘Uh, Ma. I’ve got something else to tell you.’

She stops chopping. Her mouth drops open. ‘Oh, Layla. You’re not.’

I bite my lip. ‘I am.’

‘What?’ Shane asks looking from me to Ma and back to me with confusion. ‘You’re what?’

‘I’m pregnant.’

Shane’s eyes widen. ‘Poor BJ!’

‘Come here,’ my mother says. From her face I can tell she is fighting hard to keep from crying.

I go and crouch next to her. Up close, I see all the fine lines that fan out from her eyes. My mother is getting old. The idea is distressing. I don’t want my mother to grow old. I don’t ever want to lose her. She holds my face between her work-worn palms and kisses my forehead. ‘My mother was right. It is never the wild ones that get knocked up. It’s always the good girls. How far along are you?’

‘Just about four weeks.’

She nods.

‘I’m sorry, Ma.’

She takes her hands away from my face. ‘Don’t be sorry. He’s a good boy. He’ll do right by you. Now go and talk to your brother.’

I grasp my mother’s hands and kiss them. ‘I love you, Ma.’

‘I love you too, Layla,’ she says and tears glimmer in her eyes.

On my way out, I punch Shane hard on the shoulder.

‘Did you see what she did?’ I hear him ask.

I don’t hear her reply. I walk along the corridor and knock nervously on my brother’s door.

‘Come in, Layla,’ Jake says.

Taking a deep breath, I enter. My brother is sitting behind his desk. He leans back in his chair and looks at me expressionlessly.

‘Look, first of all I want to say I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner, but you were so excited and happy about Lilliana’s arrival that I just didn’t want to spoil it.’

My brother nods. ‘So you’re in love with him.’

‘Yes. Very much.’

He sighs. ‘I wanted better for you.’

‘I know you did, but BJ is my destiny, like Lily is yours.’

‘I know. But all said and done, he’s in the drug trade, Layla. He’ll make a mistake one day and he’ll go to prison. Are you prepared for that?’

‘No.’

‘Then use that great love he has for you to make him give it up. It’s not like he needs to do it. He already has more money than he knows what to do with. He’s got his clubs and pubs and all his properties.’

I move deeper into the room. Jake is right. BJ is going to be a dad. He doesn’t need to be involved in the drug business.

‘Now is your best opportunity, Layla. Before you get married. Lay down your terms. You’ll be a mother soon. Think of your children.’

‘OK, I will.’

‘I want you to be happy. You know that, don’t you?’

I walk around the chair and touch his cheek. ‘I know that. I didn’t want to disobey you. It just happened.’

He smiles sadly. ‘Just remember, no matter what happens, I am always here for you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘How many weeks gone are you?’

>   ‘Four.’

‘Are you happy?’

‘It’s all so perfect I couldn’t have planned it better.’

He grins. ‘I’m proud of you, Layla.’

I grin back. ‘Can you believe it? I’m gonna be somebody’s mummy.’

‘You’ll be a good mother, Layla. I can feel it in my bones.’

-All of me loves all of you-

TWENTY-SEVEN

Layla

Ki shan i Romani - Adoi san' i chov'hani.

Wherever gypsies go - there the witches are, we know.

I clasp my hands together and fix my gaze on his face. ‘BJ, what will happen to me and our baby if something happens to you? Like you get caught by the police.’

‘I won’t get caught. I told you nothing passes through my hands.’

‘There’s no such thing as never. There are always people who will betray you to save their own skin or mistakes or an envious friend.’

His face closes over. ‘What do you want me to say, Layla?’

‘I want you to give it up. I want you to give it up, because if you don’t, I will never, ever feel secure.’

‘It’s what I am, Layla.’

‘No, it’s not what you are. It’s what you do.’

He covers his face with his hands, rubbing them upwards towards his head. ‘What if I say I can’t stop? Will you leave me?’

I drop my head, because I don’t want him to see how crushed and disappointed I am. If he had asked for something that was important to him, I would have moved heaven and earth to give it to him. It means all his words are empty and meaningless. He doesn’t truly love me. Not the way I do.

‘Well?’ he prompts.

I clear my face of the pain I am feeling and look up. ‘No,’ I say dully. ‘I won’t leave you.’

‘What if I said that I’ve already taken steps to get out of that business?’

I hardly dare believe it. ‘You have?’

He nods. ‘Don’t you know? I’d do anything for you. Anything.’

The joy I feel is what I imagine being hit by very mild lightning must be like. I feel my skin tingle and my entire body wants to shake, jump, and dance around. ‘You can’t imagine how crushed and sad I was when you said you couldn’t do it.’