Atone (The Disciples 2)

“That’s ‘President’ to you,” he snarls.

My eyes narrow. I don’t have the patience for this. “I’m back and not leaving until it’s done.” I stand and walk out of the room ignoring Blade’s loud cussing and Ryder’s calm, reassuring voice. I need to get the fuck out of here. My head pounds with my own heartbeat. A baby screams to my right and my chest tightens. I don’t look at anybody as I make my way to the front door even though it’s crowded with brothers I haven’t seen for years.

“David,” they murmur, but nobody stops me. Inhaling and slowly breathing out, I reach for my cigarettes, and as soon as I step onto the large wooden porch, I light up and drag the calming nicotine all the way down my throat. Blade’s kid’s birthday party is almost like an out-of-body experience. The bikes are neatly parked in a row on the other side of the driveway to make room for a pony that walks and shits in a circle. Christ, he even has a smiling balloon guy in bright-colored clothing who’s creating things these infants don’t even know about yet. It would be comical if it wasn’t so depressing.

I should be happy for Blade. He’s made a life and a family, but for the first time in years, I feel that pang of jealousy, a what-if that wants to take me down. This life is something I’ll never have. Never. Tearing my gaze away, I head toward the Ferrari I borrowed from Reed’s estate earlier today.

“David?” Blade yells from behind me. “Church starts tomorrow at nine a.m.”

I don’t bother looking back. He knows I’ll be there. Opening the Ferrari door, I hear snickering and a shuffling of feet on the gravel. Starting this beauty up always gets my cock hard; it must have something to do with how it literally purrs. I lean back, adjust myself, and inhale all the scents that only a Ferrari can have. Looking around the compound, I scan the parking area, hoping I don’t hit a random kid. This is crazy. The compound has changed so much, and all I can do is stare. It used to be nothing but bikes and dirt. Some small patches of grass in the back. Now there’s a wooden swing set with two slides and flowers all over.

Rubbing my hands up and down my face, I try to shake off the exhaustion. A shower and fresh clothes would help. I’m still in the same suit I wore to Tess and Reed’s wedding in New York yesterday. Something snapped when I watched Reed marry his soul mate. Maybe it was his children: twins who would be almost half the age of my Tabatha had she survived. Something made me realize what I must do.

Dropping my hands, I grip the steering wheel tight. As I pass a small group of bikers, they stare at me. A blonde with hands on her hips and a frown on her incredibly beautiful face makes me grin. This has to be Blade’s old lady—it might as well be stamped across her forehead. I nod at her, but she simply glares as I drive by.

I need to get a hotel, order room service, and pass out. So why the fuck am I heading to a place that I should not? A place that holds all my guilt? It’s like I’m possessed, and rather than turning right to Malibu, I’m going left toward the diner. She won’t be there. The odds are against that. Christ, I’m sure she’s married with kids. It’s been nine years after all. I turn up the volume to one of my favorites, and the soulful voice of Billie Holiday lets my mind remember a girl who was exquisite and kind. A girl with golden eyes and puffy red lips. She wasn’t someone I should have wanted. But I did. I had a connection with her unlike anyone else I’ve met around the world.

I pull into the almost empty diner parking lot and can’t help but grin. It’s the same. Maybe they got a new bench to sit on outside, but other than that it’s the same. The sun is starting her descent and I sigh, letting the day and all the crap go with my breath.

“Fuck me.” I shut off the engine and rest my head back on the buttery-soft leather headrest. Billie croons out her sorrows as if she’s singing them about me and my life, not hers. The monsters that like to play in my head are loud. Meditation can’t stop the painful, wrenching past that wants to come out. I shouldn’t have come here; this place is a trigger for me.

I rub my face as if that will make it go away. It never goes away. My pain is crushing, debilitating, and sometimes I wonder how I’m still here. Had I only left with Edge that day. Had I only made sure Debbie was taking her meds. Had I not been young and stupid, letting my desire for the raven-haired beauty make me stay. I drop my hands, acknowledging the truth. I failed her. Tabatha, my baby girl not even two yet. All I was supposed to do was protect her. That was my job—to love her and make sure she was safe. And I failed her. Every day when I wake up, I have to live with the truth that my child needed her daddy to save her and I was late.