Atone (The Disciples 2)

I ignore them and look at my options. I need to find some shelter and rest while I figure out my next move. That’s when I start walking to the one place I want to be but can’t.

“He smells and we need to move, Mama.” I’m jolted awake at the sound of a woman and her mother trying to move away from me.

I look out the window. I’m on a bus. Yes, I remember that. Fuck, I hope I didn’t pass my stop. My eyes scan the street signs and I realize I did. As I stand and head down the aisle, people all look away. I’m starting to get hungry. I don’t think I ever got my burrito.

Holding on to the railing, I get off the bus and look around. Obviously, I need to get away from people… need to go to my old haunting grounds. But I’m starting to sweat. I should find a corner and shoot up before I continue. Instead I keep walking. The sun is setting. It must be later in the day than I thought. I stop and stare. Light… Is this why I didn’t fill one of the needles up and let it put me to sleep? Golden eyes swim in front of me. She’s my weakness, but right now, I think she might be my redemption. I turn around and start walking in the other direction.

This time I know exactly where I’m going.

I blink at the darkness. I must have nodded off on Charlie’s welcome mat while waiting for her. It’s been hours since I shot up, and my body is letting me know it’s not happy. Two pretty feet in flipflops with bright pink toes cause me to lift myself up on my elbow.

“Beautiful?” My voice is gravelly.

“Holy God. David, for a second I thought you were dead.” She covers her mouth as I stand and she looks at me.

Shame and anxiety trickle through my brain, which is far from clear. But what is clear is that I had all the time to do it, end it all, and all I saw was her face. My beautiful girl. The woman I have wanted my whole adult life. I never even gave her a chance. I never gave myself a chance…

“I need your light, Charlie. I don’t think I’m going to make it without it.”

“Don’t you dare.” She puts her key in the lock and swings the door open. “You need to trust me and come inside, David.” She takes my filthy hand in her clean one and I feel myself move inside. Into the light… from the blackest night.CHARLIEMy mind is working on overdrive.

The sight of David lying on my doorstep, not moving, made my blood run cold.

I almost bent over and threw up when I shook him and he remained asleep. Finally, his beautiful sad eyes blinked up at me and I knew. This is it. He needs me and I don’t care about what has happened. I’ll find out when he’s ready. What I care about is that he’s alive and he came to me.

He came to me. Breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, I try to calm down. Jesus, I can still feel the pulse in my temples pound.

Two days, two fucking days, I’ve been hysterical with worry. To the point where both Cindy and my mom said to stay home. Except that made my anxiety worse. So I do what I always do in stressful situations. I clean until you can eat off the floors. I’ve stripped every cushion, towel, and rug in the apartment and washed them twice.

Finally, this morning, after talking to David, I had to leave. Sometimes being alone is your worst enemy. Tears swim my eyes as I try to deal with my heart, which won’t stop loving someone who never has given me anything but the tiniest spark of hope. The truth is I’m gambling that he does love me and that this is our beginning.

He stands to his full six foot three inches, and despite looking like the star of a horror movie, he makes my heart skip a beat. He’s a bloody mess: his face, neck, and hands are covered in it, although now it looks more like burnt red dirt.

“Let’s get you cleaned up.” My voice is gentle. I’m terrified he’s going to bolt, leave me. Now that I’ve decided I still want him, I don’t think my heart could handle him leaving again. Eve asked how far I’m willing to go to get him. First, he needs to get off the smack.

“David? Do you want something to eat while you shower?”

“Soup, babe. And, Beautiful?” I look over at him. He’s already removed his shirt. “Get a trash bag. I’ll burn them later.”

Clutching my purse to my chest, I stand in my kitchen, a shiver running through me. This is the real deal. I’m in love with a Disciple who is strung out on heroin and covered in blood.