Atone (The Disciples 2)
“Go to sleep, Beautiful. I’ve got you.”
I reach up to his neck and snuggle in closer. “No, David I’ve got you.” Inhaling through my nose, I breathe in my favorite scent as I drift off into a deep sleep.DAVID/POETI can’t sleep. It’s all part of getting off smack. For nights on end, you never fully get a deep sleep. I’m calm now. All my demons have remained silent.
As I stare at the ceiling, my mind starts to function. I disappointed my club, which I hate. I needed to hold it together, and I can’t even pinpoint what made me break. Was it that I did what I set out to do? I found the rats and killed the piece of shit, and I was done?
Charlie stirs and snuggles closer. Her scent calms me, which is a good thing—my mind doesn’t need to go to that place. I turn my head into her neck and my whole body is nothing but a mass of sensitive nerves. Like I want to wake her and fuck her again, but she went to sleep a little while ago. I could get up and jerk off…
I move her over to get up, but she grabs for me and mumbles, “No.”
“Fuck.” I’m an ass. I’m putting myself in a place where I’m making her do everything. And that’s not fair. Charlie can’t keep me sober. She can’t make the nightmares stop, and she can’t possibly love me. It has to be infatuation, although what she finds attractive about me I don’t know. Aside from my looks, I’m a shitty boyfriend…lover. Christ, I don’t even know what we are. This time, I do untangle myself. I need to smoke.
Dragging on my jeans, I reach for my cigarettes and slip out the balcony door. The streaks of an amazing sunset are starting to color the sky. I light up, and the nicotine helps, starting from my brain down to my still achy body. A couple of kids—and by kids, I mean teenagers on skateboards—are twisting and scratching the cement with the boards and their feet. I glance back at her cheerful celery-green walls and despise that I want more. But I do. Somehow, she’s become not only my light but much more. Being with her feels like home.
Inhaling deeply, I lean my head back against the wall as I acknowledge the truth. She is my soul and I’m fucking in love with her. Unfortunately, knowing this just makes it harder. I’m in no condition for love or commitment. None. I don’t want marriage or, God forbid, kids. I love her, but much like my club, if I’m not careful, I’ll hurt us both.
The sliding glass door opens, and I exhale the smoke and hold out my hand. Her cool one touches my warm palm, and I smile as I bring her close.
“Hey.” She smiles up at me.
I reach down and kiss her nose. “Hey yourself. Did you get some sleep?”
She nods and yawns, which makes my cock harden. A small smile ghosts her lips. “Did you sleep?”
I take one more drag and reach around her to stub it out in the small ashtray. “I dozed. When you come off heroin, sleep is hard. It’s the brain still wanting it.”
She bites her lower lip. “Do you want to talk about it?”
The warm breeze takes one of her locks and blows it in front of her exquisite face. Brushing it away, I say, “You’re so fucking beautiful.”
Her golden eyes narrow. “You might be biased.”
I smile and shake my head No. My thumb rubs her lips as I bend down and taste her candy sweetness. It’s slow and I groan into her as she reaches her hands into my hair. Our tongues are slow as they taste and twist, and if this could be the moment I remember forever, I’d be happy.
Slowly I raise my head. My eyes caress her face. As she tries to tackle my pain, the tears dampening her face tell me she doesn’t know how to start.
“I killed the man who decided to blow up my child, uncle, cousin, and Debbie.”
She doesn’t look shocked and reaches up. Her soft fingers trace my lips as if she’s trying to coax all my secrets from me.
“He was like an uncle to Jason, Chuckie, and me. One of the old-timers, and he betrayed our family because he thought he knew best.” My hand tightens on her back as I bring her as close as she can come. Our lips touch as I slay her with my pain, which she doesn’t need, but I can’t seem to stop from confessing.
“It was supposed to be me that day, but I was late because I was with you.” Her eyes spill with tears as a small sob escapes her lips.
“I never blamed you. It’s not your fault that I have been in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you.”