Repent (The Disciples 3)

I close my eyes as the tears start to fall and his warm hands take mine.

“What happened?”

“He left me,” I croak. “He made love to me… He didn’t even speak just… oh my God.” I cover my face as the memories rush in like a tsunami. There is no part of my life without him in it. It’s like a movie montage. I see us as children. Even then, I was trying to look different. More like the popular girls, less like a biker. The bubble gum machine I still have tucked away under my bed in a plastic container. Edge, always Edge, was the one constant in my life.

He’s been my greatest joy and my most painful gift. And now…

“I’m a fraud,” I whisper, looking at him. “I am. Edge was right. I try to be whatever anybody I’m hanging out with wants me to be because…” My mind catches up, and all of a sudden, I get it. Like someone has poured hot tar on me and ripped it off, I get it.

“I’m nothing but a follower.”

Doug shakes his head. “No. You want so much to escape the very thing you want deep inside that it’s fucked with your head.”

“He said I was ashamed of him.”

“Are you?”

I’m caught in the past. So, many times he came to school with a black eye or a broken rib. Dirty fingernails and greasy hair.

“Sometimes I was,” I whisper.

Doug nods. “He knows, Dolly. And he fucking doesn’t care because he was there and felt all the stuff you’re feeling too.”

“He was. Oh God, Doug. Kids made fun of us. Our parents… well, you’ve seen them.” I wipe my tears away. But they won’t stop, much like my past, which I always try to put behind me for this very reason. “His dad was awful. He beat him.” I nod because if anyone understands beatings, it’s Doug.

“He tortured him, calling him so many horrible things. All because he loved me.” I scoot to the end of the leather seat, my hands moving in circles like I’m strumming a harp. “We loved each other. It was us against the world, and then he gave in and became everything I knew he would be, though I never believed he would do it.”

“Dolly, if this is about the Crystal thing, he was a fucking kid getting it from all sides. Jesus Christ, you have to let that go. I have never seen a man look at a woman…” He waves his hand. “Fuck that, I’ve never seen anyone, man or woman, look at each other the way you two do. So, I need to ask you this and I need you to be honest.” He lets it sit there like he’s going to say the worst thing ever but needs to prepare himself.

“What would you do if he left the Disciples for you?” His hands go boom. “Just gone. Hands in his cut. What would you do? What would he do? I mean your bestie is married to the president. Your other one is married to the historian.” He sits back and crosses his ankles.

“No more barbecues, pool parties. No more bikes. What would you do?”

I blink at him. “That… that would never happen. Club first,” I sneer.

“I think if you made him choose, it would one hundred percent be you. The man went to jail for you for fuck’s sake.”

My mind is swirling at Doug’s words. Would he?

“But Dolly, then that’s it. He’s out. Do you think he’d be happy leaving his family? And the real question is, would you?”

Silence. Nothing but my mind trying to compartmentalize what he’s saying.

“I don’t want that.” I shake my head. “Holy fuck. I’m a biker.”

Doug bursts out laughing, his pretty white teeth almost sparkling.

“Um, no. You’re Dolly, but they accept you. They love you. Same as I love you, which is why I have to do this. Because if you can’t see what you are and what you want, then we need to drive you to your apartment and never talk to them again.”

I’m breathing hard as I understand at last. “I don’t need to win, Doug.” I set down the cup of coffee I’ve been spilling all over my jeans.

“All this time, I thought I had to. But he’s the winner. He gets it and he tried to tell me for years.” I stand up then hit my head on the top of the limo. “He wins. And I’m just me. Oh my God, I need to tell him.”

I grab my phone and call him. Doug has tears in his eyes as he watches me talk some crazy shit into his voicemail. I hang up and look at him. “You know he’s probably thrown that fucking phone away.”

“Of course he has. He’s Edge.” He says this like it’s normal. “Baby Doll, this is what he’s been trying to tell you since you stabbed him.”