When August Ends

At least I hoped that was it.

I’d done nothing all day but pace and drink coffee in between feeding the guinea pigs. As the afternoon turned into evening, I decided to call my father and fill him in on what happened.

After I told him the story of my conversation with Heather last night, he tried to convince me I’d done the right thing in telling her.

“She said she wasn’t mad, but it’s going to hit her later—or maybe that’s what’s happening now, why she’s staying away.”

“What does she have to be mad about?” he asked.

Is he serious? “Oh, I don’t know…the fact that I came here under false pretenses? The fact that I could’ve potentially done something to save her sister’s life if I’d gotten her help? She has a number of options.”

“No one knew what was going to happen, Noah. You were a married man getting explicit messages from a strange woman. You had no idea what it was. A lot of delusional people aren’t suicidal. You didn’t know her, God rest her soul. Stop blaming yourself for something that’s not your fault.”

I wanted to believe his words, especially since they echoed Heather’s, but I still struggled. I still wondered if removing myself from the situation might be best all around.

“I feel like the right thing to do now might be to go home early.”

“You’re gonna be able to walk away from her?”

“The longer I stay, the harder it’s gonna be. Leaving is inevitable. Why prolong it?”

The thought of leaving now made me sick to my stomach, but maybe it was best for both of us. The property was under contract. Heather was enrolled in college, and she’d have the money for it even if her father took half the real estate proceeds. There was nothing stopping her. I’d be leaving in a few weeks anyway. Staying would cause nothing but more confusion for both of us.

“By the same token,” Dad added, “you could look at it a different way. It’s only a few more weeks. Why rush to say goodbye? What’s the real reason you want out of there so fast?”

I knew the truth. “Because I can’t control my feelings for her anymore. I know if I stay, they’re gonna explode. I need to go home so she can leave and live her life without any complications.”

“You think that’s gonna make her feel better? To see you drive away when she’s upset and clearly cares for you?”

“She doesn’t know what’s good for her, and honestly, she’s been avoiding me today. She hasn’t wanted to see me. This is probably the best time to make a clean break.”

“I can’t force you to stick it out if you’re intent on leaving. But I don’t get the sense that’s what you want.”

It wasn’t what I wanted at all. I’d never been happier than these past couple of months. But sometimes, doing what’s better for others trumps what makes you happy. It felt like the responsible decision.

“I think I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna pack up and tell her after everything is loaded, to make it easier.”

“You sure about this?”

“It was gonna happen anyway. This will be like ripping the Band-Aid off.” I looked over at the cage on my table. Jesus. I have to figure out how to travel with guinea pigs. “The only complication is the guinea pigs.”

My father was rightfully confused. “Guinea pigs?”

“Yeah. Bonnie and Clyde. Long story. Let’s just say I’m not coming home alone.”

After we hung up, I started packing my things. I didn’t have a lot of stuff, so it only took me about a half-hour. Then I Googled “how to take a road trip with guinea pigs” and realized I’d have to stop somewhere in the morning to get two, soft-sided animal carriers.

Even with that, packing was the easy part.

The hard part was going to be telling Heather I planned to leave in the morning. Maybe after last night’s bombshell, she wouldn’t fight me on it. Maybe she’d see why this was best for both of us.

Even though I’d been cutting back on the cigars lately, I needed to calm down, so I decided to light one up on the porch. As I gazed out at the lake, I thought about how much this summer had changed me. Most of my life, I’d wanted to be any place I wasn’t. The grass was always greener. But not here. At the lake, I was content. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I was happy just…being. I’d heard about the practice of mindfulness but had never been able to implement it until recently. Here, I listened to the rain, tasted my food, and felt so many things going on inside of me, especially whenever Heather was around. Being able to enjoy the present moment was a blessing, one made easier by being somewhere that made me happy.