Broken Dove (Fantasyland 4)

Circe, Finnie, Loretta, Meeta and I were in the sitting room of the dower house and Circe was explaining the procedure of getting her magic back.

Loretta was cuddling and cooing to Circe’s drowsy, close-to-a-nap baby daughter, Isis.

Meeta was cuddling (but not cooing) to Finnie’s snoozing Viktor.

I was trying to contain a very active Tunahn, Circe’s baby boy, a child Circe shared was immune to naps (and sleep on the whole most of the time).

I was listening because it was interesting.

I was also not listening because my heart was bleeding.

It had been two days since I’d f**ked up huge, Apollo came and took his anger out on me, and I had not seen or heard from him since.

This was not a surprise. It must be said, the man could hold a grudge.

But this time it was worse.

He had a right to be angry.

But the way he expressed that was not okay.

In thinking on it, it occurred to me that it had not been okay the first time he did it. Or the second. And definitely not the last.

I’d run away from Pol so I wasn’t his literal whipping post.

I didn’t need to be with a man who used me as his verbal one.

I mean, seriously.

Since Apollo was again keeping a distance, Cristiana, Meeta and Loretta were keeping an eye on me, Cristiana especially. But this time, I didn’t feel it was up to me to go to Apollo and apologize.

No way.

It wasn’t like I’d screwed up and tried to pretend it wasn’t a big deal and told him to just get over it. I’d owned up to it straight away.

Then he’d way overreacted.

In fact, I wasn’t sure there was any situation where his reaction would be appropriate.

Or, honestly, forgivable.

Since we left Brunskar I’d been feeling more and more like shit because Apollo had so much to offer and I had so little.

I sure as hell didn’t need him to point that crap out.

The good news was, Apollo allowed Élan to come have lunch with me yesterday, at her request. This was super sweet and I loved spending time with her because she was super sweet. She was also so exuberant, witnessing her natural delight at pretty much everything was the only time I could forget my growing anger.

The other good news was, Finnie and Circe came and went as they pleased. And with the men holed up talking about dragons, elves, witches and war plans, they had time to come and go as they pleased. So I was getting to know Finnie more and Circe better, which was nice, since they both were great.

The bad news was not only was Apollo entirely absent, so was Chris.

Chris had run away because of me.

This was weighing on my mind. I was worried. I was hoping Apollo was giving him what he needed. And I felt powerless because I couldn’t do anything to help.

In fact, it was me that was the reason he hurt.

Knowing I was causing pain to Christophe didn’t suck.

It killed.

That was also weighing on my mind and call me selfish, I knew he had things weighing on his mind too, but Apollo had to know it.

And still he attacked.

I’d thought on it (and thought on it) and there was no way to twist what Apollo had said into being understandable.

It just wasn’t right.

During her visit the day before, I had learned that Circe and Lahn, with Zahnin and Bain as Circe’s personal guard, had been transported here by Valentine.

I say Circe’s guard because Lahn didn’t need a guard. He was a one man guard all on his own and only a fool would attack that man. I mean, those birds didn’t even attempt to peck away at him and they were brainless creatures formed from magic but still, they knew better than to even try.

Circe told me that upon arrival in Lunwyn, Valentine had immediately sensed I was in danger and Lahn, Zahnin, Bain (with Lahn bringing Circe along because he refused to be far from her) sprang to my rescue without telling Apollo or anyone they were here.

Apparently, the ritual Circe was conducting to recoup her powers had gone a lot faster than expected. Since Valentine was already there to tell them she was moving them all to Lunwyn when it was finished, she’d just moved them all to Lunwyn.

The real Cora and Tor were with them but could not come because he had something pressing happening, seeing as he was not only a marked man with a marked wife but also a prince of two realms so shit had to get done.

They were arriving as soon as whatever royal stuff he had to do was done.

The other five hundred (yes, five hundred) members of Circe’s personal guard that Lahn insisted accompany her to the Northlands were riding their horses up from the Vale seeing as Valentine wasn’t real hip on transporting an entire army.

Depending on how good of time they made, they’d be here in three weeks to a month.

So now we were in my sitting room visiting.

And I was trying to figure out how I could sort the latest mess I’d gotten myself into.

What I was trying not to do was think about the fact that maybe I didn’t want to.

I hadn’t had any sleep since it happened. Not a wink. I was mentally exhausted (for, Lord knew, it was a veritable impossibility to become physically exhausted because with a housekeeper and two ladies maids, there was nothing for me to do).

All I could do was think on what Apollo said to me. How ugly it was. How uncalled for it was. How he had to know how it would wound me.

And last, that he’d let that sit for two days, maybe expecting me to go to him and smooth things over like Cristiana advised before.

And perhaps I should.

But I felt deep down inside that I shouldn’t.

I took a lot from Pol.

I had to draw a line with Apollo.

But the man he was, maybe he wouldn’t come to me.

See?

All this crap in my head, it was no wonder I couldn’t sleep.

Not to mention, worrying about Christophe and still feeling like an idiot because I’d done something so immensely stupid to start all this off.

I was so over it.

The problem was, I was over it, but it just wasn’t over.

I was beginning to see the wisdom of Captain Kirk loving them and leaving them as he boldly went where no man had gone before (in the case of some of his alien partners, probably in two ways).

Because it hurt to love.

Especially when you f**ked up.

Huge.

Then they f**ked up.

Arguably even more huge.

Because where did you go from there?

And yes, I loved Apollo. I fell for him the instant he’d looked at me, his eyes filled with tenderness and pain. I knew this because alone at night (and also when I was alone during the day), when I wasn’t worrying or being pissed, I ran over every moment we’d shared in my head.